Seriously this last week has been very stressful so much going on and I've just been feeling very bogged down. I've kind of withdrawn, I'm not much for talking on the phone, don't really feel like smiling or laughing, haven't felt like praying either, just going through motions the last few days.
Nathan is really feeling the side effects from his radiation and his chemo didn't go so well last week, he literally started crying hysterically after he was admitted to the floor, he just wouldn't cooperate and didn't want to be there. Then he had to stay later at the hospital the next day because they wouldn't release him unless he ate or drank something. The weekend was full of crying from him and the stress just really got to me for some reason and I really needed to 'escape.' My husband was gracious enough to let me handle the shopping which gave me time to get out of the house and then he took both children to Warren to drop of Peyton at my parents which let me be in the house alone. Very thoughtful of him considering we're both going through this.
On Saturday Nathan was chasing Peyton and tripped and went head first into the wall hitting his forehead. Not only was it scary but we had to call the doctor to report it and check his platelets etc. A simple fall (although that one wasn't simple) can be a huge deal now. Thankfully he was ok but then we started noticing his cry was weak throughout the night and by Sunday evening he had no voice so we called the doctor and was told to bring him into the ER. They at first suspected it was laryngitis and since he didn't have a fever or show any signs of breathing problems he was able to go home. But you know how the ER goes - we were there until almost midnight, we didn't get him in bed until around 1 am and had to be back up at 6:45 am. I literally had to take him out of the house kicking and screaming, he was exhausted and still sick. And with a throat problem he can't be sedated because of the threat of asphyxia and since he can't be sedated he can't get radiation. So the Ear Nose Throat doctor had to look down his throat, by sticking a probe down his nose (yes that's as uncomfortable as it sounds). And Nathan wasn't happy about that. Come to find out his vocal cord is swollen which is causing the loss of his voice so he has to go to OR tomorrow so they can get a better look.
Since Nathan is immunocompromised I have to be extremely strict about who comes around and even taking him to the ER is a challenge because we have to find a hallway to walk in to keep him away from the crowd. When he went downstairs to see the ENT the receptionist was understanding and let us wait in an empty exam room. I have to be strict with parents who allow their children to approach him. I don't think I was a mean person before, but this situation has a brought a lot out of me.
I still have a certain amount of peace but I still feel a huge weight at times. I think that's why I avoid the phone so much and conversation at those times. I may not necessarily feel like talking, or have anything to say, I go through it at the hospital so much I just don't feel like discussing it at home and I just withdraw, give me time and I'll be back again but these withdrawals are needed for me at times.
On Friday though my Great Aunt Ann (my grandmothers baby sister) who lives in Alabama called and we played phone tag until Saturday night. She wanted to check and see how I was doing and she said to me, "many people can sympathize with you but honey I empathize." Aunt Ann lost her son Paul to cancer. I was really young at the time (maybe 12 or so) and I hadn't remembered that. As soon as she said those words she stopped me in my tracks and had my undivided attention. Everything she said to me had great meaning. She asked all of the right questions and she said to me, "If God puts it on you He'll give you the grace to bear it." I asked her how she coped when she was going through and she told me how hard it was and she'd lost a lot of weight but she said "Sweetie, joy will come, God has to put us through these kinds of things so we'll grow, but even the worst situations have an end to them and then joy will come." She couldn't see me crying and honestly I held it together pretty good but to hear her tell me that she know it's hard now but joy will come touched me and I know she told me from experience. Paul was in his forties when he died and she said her main concern was his salvation and he was saved and that brings her great peace.
Dear Lord,
Honestly I'm struggling to pray right now. For these last few days I've struggled day and night. I'm pretty angry and I don't know who to direct my anger at. I'm mad at the situation and I'm so mad I can't change it. I feel frustrated beyond belief. I see life continuing around me, people enjoying this new year and I hate it with a passion. 2010 will go down in history as being horrible to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything, I just want to move on and have Nathan's cancer be a distant memory. I can't continue to smile right now, I just don't feel like it and comfort isn't really coming this week. When will this end and how will it end? Not knowing that tends to bother me. I trust you Lord I really do but I'm still weary. The road continues to get bumpier and we're just hitting tons of bumps right now. And to be honest I still don't think it's fair that my three year old son has this. Lord we had so many plans for a wonderful year, Disney World in March, traveling this summer. Why in the world did you do this? I just don't understand. Why do you want us to have such horrible memories? Did we really have to go through this? Why? What is your purpose in this? Why does Nathan have to go through this and why put our entire family through something like this? I wish I could see what you see Father, I really do. Until then I'm going to try to hold on to You but I'll admit it's hard, times are rough and during these times it's just hard. I don't want to turn my back on you, even in these times I know you haven't lost control, I just really wish I could figure out what you're doing.
In Jesus Name
Amen
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