I've been seeking God so much over this past year and lately I can't get through my day without turning to God's word and it's bringing me so much comfort as it usually does. I see life so differently now. I literally live life day to day. That doesn't mean I don't have goals but it's still so hard to know what the future holds and I don't try to figure it out. All I know is that today I woke up and both of our children were in their rooms and my husband was beside me and that's all I truly cared about.
As Nathan's treatments progress it takes longer for his white blood counts to recover after chemo (his white counts fight infections) so we have to be extra careful now more than ever that he doesn't get sick. I've become very strict in who comes over...I actually don't allow anyone over other than grandparents to be honest with you and they have to be well.
Cancer isn't a heavy topic anymore amongst our household when no one's around. We keep an eye out to make sure Nathan's not sick or anything but we're all about having fun and truthfully I believe we may have more fun than most families on a more regular basis.
I don't have time to be stuffy anymore and neither does Sam. We run, play, and act silly with the children as often as possible and make sure it's not a sad atmosphere. It's really no reason for it to be. There's nothing we can do but keep praying and we've been doing that.
The times when I get sad and of course it still happens I do turn to my growing group of cancer mom friends and it brings a weird sense of comfort. Unfortunately I'm not alone and when no one else understands why LaToya is acting "weird" they get it.
Life will never be the same. And in a way I pray it's going to be better. I've grown as a wife and mother in so many ways. I've always had goals that centered around my family but now they're so much more profound and can't be shaken by others opinions.
I've learned through this what God has been trying to teach us all and that is, life is short but eternity with Him is our ultimate goal. We have so much to look forward to when we realize God's ultimate plan for us as Christians. We're put here on earth for however long he gives us to do the task he instructed us to do. All of our paths and stories are going to be different. In these few short months I've learned more than I ever wanted to and have been through things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I just pray God gets the glory for the everything I've shared with you in this blog.
I sometimes try to think of what our family would be doing this summer if cancer hadn't struck but I have no clue. It's totally taken over our lives so I don't know. I look at Nathan and try to think of how he'd be if he wasn't sick. I even try to remember how he was before cancer hit, but my memory fails me at times. Then I try to think of what we're going to do when his treatments are done and he's in remission and I can't think that far ahead either. What's it going to be like when I'm not going to the hospital several days every week? What's it going to be like when I can actually take him out in public places again without worrying about him getting sick? What's it going to be like when we can go to church again as a family? So many things I did every day all summer that I took for granted and crave to be able to do again. And will I get to attend his wedding one day? And meet his children? I don't know, that's up to God. But someday, no matter what happens, joy will return and this trial will pass and we all look forward to that day.
Being a mother has brought me an incredible amount of joy. I love spending each and every moment with Nathan and remember it just being him and me when he was born and then we welcomed Peyton and that just added to that joy. Despite what we've gone through as a family this year I still don't see Nathan as a burden. I'd bend over backwards for either of our children or my own husband for that matter. It's hard going back and forth to the hospital so much but Nathan is the one who is going through the treatment so my driving him and sitting there doesn't compare to what he goes through and I never forget that. I just want to see him better and watch him and Peyton growing up together and if that means I have to be at the hospital everyday to do that will then so be it.
I know a lot of people when their children are healed of cancer decide to never talk about it again and take their blog down. Some make it into their ministry and carry their stories out into the world. I truthfully don't know if there's any right or wrong thing to do. I write this blog now because it is therapeutic for me. I had another blog but shut it down because the content didn't matter to me much anymore.
I asked Sam what he wants to do when this is all done and he said "leave it behind and move on with life" and I actually agree. I'll leave this blog out here for others to read but the day Nathan's declared to be cancer free is when I'm going to 'retire' from this whole blogging thing. We'll tell Nathan all about his cancer and apraxia and let him use his story however he sees fit, but I agree with Sam when that day comes, I'm done. I don't think I want to talk about it or think about it or answer anymore questions about it. I have enough private journals around here that Nathan and Peyton will have more information about exactly what happened but unless God directs me to do otherwise (and truthfully I'm praying he doesn't) after this cancer is done so am I.
