I'm really trying to sleep

It's just one of those nights when sleep won't come. I was just sitting and praying and I got up to try to go to sleep but I don't feel very restful right now. We've gotten such good news about Nathan lately and I'm so thankful, but at the same time I still have a lot of fear. As long as the cancer is inside I still feel uneasy. Things are going so well, yet there's always reminders that it's there.

Nathan woke up yesterday with a ton of drainage from his ear on the the side where the cancer is. Also I think you'll remember that, though his tumor isn't in his eye, it still impacted it. Still to this day he doesn't produce tears out of his left eye and we don't know if he ever will again. I pray he will, for the longest he couldn't even move it because the tumor rested on the optic nerve, but now he can move it. I just pray he can produce tears in it again someday. He still has swelling on the side of his face and eye where the tumor is and the hair he has left just kind of sticks up everywhere fussy-like (it looks kind of cute actually). Still no surgeon will touch this mass because of all it's connected too so we're praying that the chemo and radiation works to kill it and so far he's responding to his treatments beautifully.

You're probably wondering where all of this came from especially with so much good news in the past few weeks. I guess lately I've been looking into schooling options for Nathan and Peyt and Sam and I are always looking for our next move and we just bought another vehicle and all of these things are good right? I think they are, but at the same toke as we're doing all of this I can't help but beg God to allow Nathan to be a part of our future. I know life isn't guaranteed to anyone, anymore than it is to Nathan. But the thought of possibly walking by an empty room or looking at an empty chair in the car overwhelms me at times. And when people see Nathan they're quick too tell me how "good" he looks and I know he looks good to them because when you think of cancer he may not meet your expectations, especially since he hasn't been completely bald yet. He'll always be beautiful to me, however, right now he looks sick to me. As beautiful as he is, I want his metaport out, I want his hair to all grow back. I don't want to keep pumping him full of medicines. I want to see tears pouring out of both of his eyes when he cries. And he loves to cuddle all of the time now and as a mom I appreciate that but I would appreciate it so much more if he wasn't doing it because he was overly tired or sick from chemo or scared.

Dear Lord

I really hate days like today. I'm so sorry for being so negative and Lord I really am grateful. Forgive me for my rants because I'm so very thankful for all that you've done thus far. I just wish I could move on Lord. I just wish cancer wasn't always on my mind. I try to push it out but it's never far from my thoughts. I can't escape the fact that Nathan has it. Lord what he's been through is heartbreaking and I hurt whenever he hurts, I just wish the pain he's going through would stop. I just want him to wake up and be ok. I really want him to be cancer free. Just recently I heard stories of two people who were on their deathbed, one lady literally planned her own funeral because the doctors told her there was nothing more they could do, another guy was given a 0% survival rate as he battled cancer for the second time, yet you healed them! I know you're a healing God, I know you can do this. Please Lord do this for Nathan, please Lord do this for my son. Let him be a success story. Tell me what you want me to do Lord and I'll do it. I'll proclaim your name, I'll tell anyone about you. I'll raise my children to love you. If you send me somewhere I'll go. My life is yours I lay it all down, just please spare my child. Thank you so much for the good news thus far. I just want to continue to hear good news. Just tell me where you want me to go and I'll go for you, just please heal him, that's all I ask, you can take what you want from me just spare him.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Good News!!!!!!

Today we got the results from Nathan's PET Scan that i'd mentioned earlier. It has MARKEDLY decreased in both size and intensity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They measure intensity in something called SUV (don't ask lol) and it's gone from 6.4 to 2.2!!!!!!!! The goal is zero!!!! It's such great news!!!!!

To try to describe intensity is hard but I'm going to attempt! When they do this PET Scan the active cells light up on the screen, the more light indicates more active cancer cells. Picture looking at two pictures of balls and one ball is black the other gray. The black ball would indicate more active cancer cells while the gray ball shows less active cells. Nathan's is more gray!!!!!!

All we care about is the treatment is working!!!!!! And it has not spread to any other part of his body!!!!!!!

Dear Lord,

Thank you!!!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!!! I'm speechless, I really don't know what to say, Lord I'm so gratefulfor what you're doing for Nathan. Thank you so much.

In Jesus Name
Amen
Thank you so much, Lord, thank you, I just can't stop thanking you!!!!!!!




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Amazing

This story touched me so much that I just wanted to share it with you if you haven't already seen it. The twins are conjoined but what amazed me so much is the parents reaction to an extremely difficult situation. I seek stories like this. It doesn't matter to me that the situations are obviously different, some worse than mine some better I guess if you want to compare but people like this inspire me in my situation and I'm sure they'll inspire you as well.

God Bless

Part 1



Part 2

Reflections

[Name], do you take [Name] to be your wedded [husband/wife] to live together in marriage. Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep [him/her] For better orworse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to [him/her] so long as you both shall live...

I'm going to totally switch gears just for today and tomorrow I'll be back on topic with Nathan's cancer.

Sam and I spent a great deal talking over the last week, leading up to our anniversary today. For some reason we've been interested in looking at what wedding vows say. When we first went on our date in 1995, we never guessed we'd be married 7 years later. We were 15 and 16 at the time and went on one date (December 9, 1995) but broke up soon after (lol there's still disputes over who initiated that breakup), only to reunite 4 years later and get married 3 years after that. When we look at those old high school pictures one thing we always say is "who would've thought?" Who would've thought that young man would one day become my husband? I looked at those pics so many times over the years, when I was 16, 17, 18, 19 and didn't know I was looking at the man God had chosen for me.

Now we look at them saying not only who would've thought we'd get married but who would've thought we'd be parents of a child with cancer. I was recently talking to a close family member who just started dating and hasn't reached the engagement or marriage stage yet and I told him really look at the person you're going to be spending life with, because you have no clue what that life is going to bring you. A friend of Sam's from the Philippines asked him why do so many American marriages fall apart. Last I knew our divorce rate was 50% for first time marriages, thankfully Sam and I didn't have an answer for him but he was really curious as to why we as Americans don't take vows seriously. My only answer I guess is when we say those vows we really don't know what they mean at the time of us saying them. And that's what Sam and I have been on this past week.

When we said "Sickness and in Health" we meant each other, and we still mean that because we have no clue what the future holds, but we never at the time thought that could mean a child. When you tell people about a sick child some ask how Sam and I are doing, and that's a valid question because a situation like this can put a strain on everything. Truthfully we're doing fine but I've witnessed families that are not because it's so hard.

I thankfully grew up with many fine examples of marriage, both sets of grandparents were happily married, and so are my parents. I grew up not being able to relate to divorce, it was like a foreign language, sure it was all around me but not close enough to have an impact on me because all of my close examples had happy marriages, so I grew up with the belief of marriage is for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for sickness and in health, in fat or skinny (lol I had to add that), till DEATH do us part. I'm not going to get into the abuse aspect and when you should leave etc, etc, that's not what this is particular post is about.

I'm really happy to celebrate 8 years with Sam today and I pray for many many more with him. I guess I wanted to shift gears and write this post about marriage today, not to sound conceited or anything but I think marriage should be lifted up as much as possible. I see so many shows about how and why men and women can't get along, and how do you find a good man or woman and I never see anything positive about marriage. I know marriage is hard and we all can give examples of friends and family members who are married and not making it. Sadly when I talk to some people about marriages they always see the negative and not the positive. It's very hard to make anything worthwhile in life work, if you want to be a entreprenuer then it's going to take HARD work, if you want to be the BEST in your field it's going to take HARD work, if you want your children to succeed in life it's going to take HARD work. If you want a marriage that's going to stand the test of time it's going to take HARD work.

So if you're engaged, read over the marriage vows with your soon to be husband or wife, I'm kind of against changing the traditional vows because in my opinion they're the most realistic, in marriage you're going to encounter some, if not all of what the vows speak to at some point or another. If you're married take the time to read over the marriage vows again and recommit yourselves to your spouse.

Dear Lord,

I just thank you today for Sam and for 8 years with him, and although this storm we're in really stinks I'm just so grateful you chose him to be the one to go through this with. I pray that you continue to strenghthen our marriage. I pray that we can both resist temptation in whatever form it may come. Even though the road is rough right now I pray that we continue to remember to look to you first, each other second, children third. I thank you for the children you've blessed us with, I wouldn't trade Nathan or Peyton for anything, thank you so much for them and I pray that our marriage will continue to stand the test of time, that one day we'll be in the paper celebrating 50 years :-)

In Jesus Name

Amern

Date Night

Ok remember yesterday I wrote how nervous I was about leaving Nathan for the first time and blah, blah, blah? lol well that nervousness wore off early today and was replaced by excitement!!! I couldn't wait for my in laws to arrive so Sam and I could go out. We had such a wonderful time! It just felt sooooooo good to have a break! And Nathan and Peyt had a wonderful time with grandma and granddaddy as usual.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for today! Thank you for 8 wonderful years of marriage! Thank you that Nathan and Peyton had such a wonderful time, it's so nice for Sam and I to have time alone but also for Nathan to have a great time with family! I pray for safe travel for my in laws who are still on the road as I type.

In Jesus Name
Amen


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Mouth Sores

So Nathan woke up this morning with mouth sores. I've been really uptight because the last time he had mouth sores he ended up spending 5 days in the hospital with a fever. Plus bad mouth sores delay treatments. And the worst part is they're really painful and I hate seeing him in pain.

We started him on antibiotics to hopefully knock the sores out and he has pain medication to cope. I've been a more strict about handwashing and no visitors except (healthy) grandparents.

Sam and I are celebrating 8 years of marriage on June 15th and will be going to dinner tomorrow. I'm very nervous because Nathan hasn't been baby sat since he was diagnosed. Sam and I haven't had a date since he was diagnosed, so it's much needed, I'm just praying I can relax and enjoy our time out. Nathan and Peyt will be with here with their grandparents for a few hours.

Next week will be hectic Nathan has two huge appointments, Sam, Peyton and I all have doctors appointments and between all of that I have to drive Peyt to my parents, for Nathan's hospital stay so we'll be running.


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Quick Update

This is going to be extremely messy cause I'm typing quickly.

Nathan has to get a PET Scan on the 16th. We found out that although a portion of the tumor hasn't shrunk some of the cells have died. This PET Scan will determine how much of the tumor is dead.

Still no surgeon will touch it and the doctors said that the tumor will probably never shrink completely (we thought it would). But rather it stands a better chance of dying. If the cells all die then that's good, the tumor will then be like a huge scar but it won't be active cancer anymore. So hearing that there are dead cells in the big part is good news.

Right now Nathan's dealing with so many side effects. He doesn't produce tears anymore in his left eye and probably never will again and he still has a lot of swelling in his face. His new thing is nightmares, he has them every night, so none of us have been getting much sleep which is why I'm so behind on the posting. He goes through phases where he handles his treatments well and times when he gets fed up and lately he's been fed up and I really don't blame him. He panics every time he sees a needle now, when he used to take it with stride. For those of you that don't know, most of the time he gets a needle put into his metaport he doesn't flinch because it's numb but he goes crazy just seeing needles now a days.

As for the rest of us, we're still just taking everything one day at a time. These last two weeks have been pretty low for me, I just want Nathan healed so bad and having to keep him so isolated and stay so isolated as a family really gets you down after awhile, especially for our family because in the past we were always on the go. A high point was last week when we got to go to the zoo, they had a special night just for children with chronic illnesses and their families. I'm trying to stay positive but I have so many people that ask "can I bring so and so over to play?" And I have to say no. It's very rare that Nathan is allowed to be around people such as on memorial day and we literally jump at those chances when they arrive but they're very far and few in between and even when we have them Sam and I always have to look out for infection because we know just how serious a little infection can be and every time he's exposed there's a risk. Those days are so special but bittersweet because we're reminded of how much Nathan is missing and how much we're missing as a family.

Despite everything I wrote above, he's been pretty active - still playing a lot, especially with Peyton. I just wish I knew what his dreams were about. I'm praying hard over this upcoming test, I just want to hear that a TON of cells are now dead. I'm not sure when we'll get the results from the test but will let you all know in due time.

Peyton and Sam are doing great!

God Bless

How Families Give Back

I'll be posting again soon but wanted to share this nice article that really touched me!

God Bless

Special Preschool Gives Kids With Cancer a Sense of Normality