A Privilege to Suffer for Him

For It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him.
Philippians 1:29

So I got to go to church today and it's the first time I've been back since Nathan's diagnosis. I was a little nervous about going, lately I cry so easily and I don't have that glamorous dainty cry that women on t.v. have, it's more that snot running down my face kinda thing but I planned on holding it together. But I cried as soon as I got through the door which was funny because out in the parking lot I was really good.

So much has changed since Nathan's diagnosis and in a way you begin to mourn those changes. Not being at church has been hard and I cried at seeing so many familiar faces. Seriously I haven't seen my church family since last year before all of this and oh my goodness it felt good to see them today and to know that so many prayers are going up for Nathan. And they even prayed for Nathan today at church, to know that so many people in one room were in agreement in prayer concerning my child...I can't even put into words what that feels like.

Well today is Palm Sunday and Pastor Maiden preached about suffering. He started preaching at John 12 where Jesus is making that triumphal entry and he preached about suffering because as you know our Lord died a horrific death for us. It was definitely a sermon I needed to hear.

I accepted Christ as Lord when I was 23. I went to church my entire life but it wasn't until age 23 when I finally acknowledged Jesus as Lord and asked Him to come live in my heart and so began the walk. I was in the process of losing my job due to cutbacks at the time I got saved and during that month off I listened to Moody radio and started seeking God for the first time in my life and I learned early on that accepting Christ didn't mean I'm was going to sail through life on this cloud, though I guess even though I learned that I still secretly hoped this was the case.

As our Pastor was preaching I leaned over to my friend and whispered I still don't want to suffer I want to sail through this walk and get a million dollars and a brand new S-Class on top of that. But reality is even if I were to get that stuff, there's still going to be suffering in this Christian walk and I'm so thankful for my Pastor and for the many ministries on Moody radio that tell the truth. We need to know that. So many people are quick to leave Christ when something goes astray instead of clinging to him with all of their might. We as a people have our own ideologies of what this life should entail and suffering is not a part of it. But Christ said that in this world there will be suffering. There's no way around it. And all of our suffering is different. Mine came in the form of a child with cancer and truthfully if God gives me a lot more years on this earth, this isn't going to be the last bit of suffering I feel.

The greatest thing I love about being a Christian is that I have so much hope. I get weary all the time right now but the hope still remains. I was listening to Focus on the Family this past week and Ann Graham Lotz was on preaching about Heaven and I just sat in awe listening. It's more beautiful than I could ever fathom. She preached from John 14 and in there God said that in His house are many rooms and when Thomas asked how do we get to this place He told us, that He is the Way the Truth and the Life. It's through Him that we'll get there.

Truthfully when I first started writing this blog I was only going to talk about my good days but then decided to include the bad. Some days truly stink and at times I'm angry and just a lot of stuff and I wonder a lot why Nathan had to be the one. But I have to tell anyone it's a privilege to know God. Things aren't easy but I love having a Savior like Christ, who understands suffering himself. A God who cares about all the little things I share with Him. I don't know if you realize it or not but in this situation even though Sam and I lean on each other for support it's not like one is going through more than the other. In other words it's not a situation where I broke my foot and I'm leaning on Sam to comfort me. Nathan is equally our child and though we rely on each other heavily there's times when neither of us have strength to offer the other one. I'm telling you now if I'd entered into a situation like this without my Lord I don't think I could make it.

Now I think the hardest part of being a parent is watching your child suffer, whether that be cancer, or bullying, etc. I may have said this before but now I truly understand why parents have refused to allow their children to continue getting cancer treatments. I've seen the stories on the news of parents on the run to avoid allowing any more chemo or radiation. I'm not saying it's right but I do fully understand now. Radiation is BRUTAL and hard to watch. Nathan has 4 more days and we're praying so hard he makes it through and then still he has almost a year left of chemo treatments and other therapies. Yeah I want to take him and run to. I want to tell the doctors enough, his body has already taken enough. It's hard accepting that to get better he has to get worse. It's just hard but even listening to our Pastor today I realized that Nathan isn't going to be exempt from suffering in this world. I obviously can't protect him from this. And I guess I needed to realize today that this suffering is going to include him as well. I wish I could take this away from him, I really do. But I do realize that God's will at some point is going to be made perfect, whether Nathan survives this or not God's will is going to be made perfect. He hadn't lost control when He died on the cross. Many probably felt He did, Satan probably thought He won but if you look back Jesus had been saying all along what he was going to do on that third day. He rose, he was in control and He still is even to this day.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for today. Thank you for the sermon reminding me what a privilege it is to suffer for you. I may not always agree with that and surely I don't always see it that way especially when going through difficult situations but to know that you are in control of this situation still brings comfort. I don't know what I would do without you. Being able to come to you with every little thing has been getting me through this. Thank you for my church and for the prayers going up for Nathan. You said where two or more are gathered in your name you are in the midst. I know you're hearing us Lord. I know you are. Thank you for hope even in the midst of struggle. Thank you so much for the being able to serve you.

In Jesus Name
Amen.