15People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. 16But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 17I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
Luke 18:15-17
Luke 18:15-17
Nathan is nearing the end of his radiation treatment and it's hard to watch. Truthfully radiation is pretty brutal. It starts out ok, but as it progresses it gets pretty harsh. The radiation beam is only on Nathan for about 10 minutes each day and in the beginning it was pretty non eventful, but as time progresses the side effects really kick in and it's hard to watch especially being a parent. I was told in the beginning by the radiation doctors that over time they're going to make Nathan very cranky unfortunately and they weren't kidding.
Nathan has pretty much lost his voice as well because of where the beam is hitting. We have to listen to him carefully to make sure he's breathing ok at all times. I keep the baby monitor in his room turned all the way up. If he snores too much then we have to report it. If we have an inkling that he's having any amount of trouble breathing then we have to take him in to emergency. Every cancer situation is different, because of where Nathan's cancer is located in his head these are the concerns we have to watch for. Also if Nathan seems to be coughing too much, the doctors need to know. If he's coughing while eating is especially important because it can symbolize food is constantly going down the wrong pipe which could be a problem. He's on pain medication pretty much around the clock. The entire left side of Nathan's face has gotten unnaturally dark where the radiation beam is hitting and I'm told by the radiation doctor's it's going to take months to heal, it looks odd so I know people are going to stare soon or comment and I haven't figured out how I'm going to defend him yet, I definitely am, I just want to come up with a game plan on what I'm going to say. Do I feel like explaining to every body who asks that my son has cancer? I don't know yet, I'll cross that bridge when it arises. We're so close to being done with radiation. Just 4 more days I keep telling him, just four more days.
But guess what after all I wrote I am blown away by Nathan. Today when he entered the radiation room he went around and hugged everyone in the room! The doctors and nurses and therapists. He entered in with his little arms wide open and hugged everyone. He literally shocked me. I often tell people that Nathan amazes me. His attitude is much better then even mine would've been if I was going through a situation like this. To have all of this done to you and still want to hug the people who are doing it. It's like he understands he has to get worse before he can get better. And I really wish I could take credit for him doing so well with his treatment but I can't, it's all him.
I was talking with one of his nurses who used to work with adult cancer patients and I told her it must be so hard working with children now and she told me believe it or not, children don't complain like adults do and she enjoys the children better. And you know what? She's right! You can go to the childrens' cancer waiting room and you'll see he children playing and laughing usually. Seriously it's a HUGE difference. They really can't grasp the magnitude of cancer and so for them it's business as usual. For adults it's usually one complaint after another. Though all aren't like that (I met a beautiful cancer patient named Mrs. O who I'll blog about later. This woman knows Christ and everytime I see her she has a smile and something positive to say and there are others like her out there).
Oh and I can't forget Peyton. Nathan's cancer hit so fast and Peyton went from never really being baby sat to practically living with my parents. It happened so fast with no real introductory period. And she adjusted immediately! I used to tell people that Nathan was my child who'd go with anyone but Peyton wouldn't and boy was I wrong. She's amazing. My parents bought her a crib so she could sleep in her own room while there and she transitioned into it with no problems. She literally slept all the night the first night in it. She naps in there and everything with no problems. I always thought Peyton would need an adjustment period the first time she was away from us (my parents live an hour away by the way) but I was so wrong. This little girl is amazing, she blows me away as well, she's adjusted to this new life with ease and I'm so proud of her.
And now reading the above verse in Luke I'm starting to understand why Christ encourages us to have a child like faith. My children have faith in us right now. When the doctors have to perform procedures on Nathan he's usually in my lap or in Sam's and he snuggles in tight. Nathan had to have a probe go down his nose into his throat, a very uncomfortable procedure and I remember talking to him the entire time just telling him over and over that I'm there and it's ok. Since Nathan's been sick he's been really into holding our hands. During the week while I'm working around the house I'm usually doing everything with one hand because he likes to hold the other (no I don't get much done). And when we're not holding hands we're cuddling on the couch, lately he just likes to be really close to us. When Nathan gets out of bed at night he comes looking for one of us. When Peyton wakes up at night and cry out she usually calms down just by seeing me or Sam's face. When she falls, she looks in our direction waiting for one of us to pick her up. When she's hungry she comes to us trusting that we'll feed her. When they're both in the car riding they trust they're going to get where they're going. Right now they look to us for everything as long as one of us are near they don't have to worry and I believe they know that.
You know what? What if we approached God like that? What if we seek him when we're afraid and totally trust Him when He says it's going to be ok? What if we reached out to touch Him, just wanting to be close to him? What if when we fell we looked toward Him to pick us back up? What if we truly trusted Him to take care of us? What if we were to truly cast all of our cares upon Him? What would that faith look like? Like a child's I'd suppose.
Dear Lord,
I've been guilty of not trusting you. Even in this situation I still struggle, but I'm learning you want me to trust you with everything I have. Lord besides Sam my children are of the utmost importance to me. I love them so much and I want to protect them, but in this situation my hands are tied. I cannot remove Nathan's cancer. I haven't even been to medical school, there isn't much I can contribute to this. I know I dedicated Nathan to you in church but Lord I'm realizing now that I went through the motions that day. I don't think I really did it. Lord you've stripped all control from me and I'm realizing I never had it in the first place. Now Lord I'm rededicating Nathan and Peyton to you. This time I'm doing it for real. Lord my hands are tied. I can't do this without You. I have to send Peyton to stay with my parents an hour away and Lord she's in good hands there I know but I miss her so much when she's gone she brings me so much joy. Lord I can't save Nathan. Sam and I can take him to the hospital everyday Lord but we can't save his life. Lord they're yours, they always were and you knew that all along but it just took this for me to realize it. Lord you've humbled me, I don't know what else to say. I beg you to take this cancer from him. Lord please allow my children to outlive me, to grow old. Lord I beg you to heal Nathan, to remove this disease and never let it come back. I pray that you protect Peyton. Lord blanket her with your protection, protect her when she's riding in the car, Lord protect her from fires from anyone who'd want to break in. Lord I could go on and on, just please bring that little girl back home safely. Lord comfort Nathan, I keep telling him it's going to be alright but truthfully I don't know how this is going to end. Lord hold my hand. I feel helpless all I can do right now is call on you and I really need you right now, my family needs you. Lord I want to feel like a child again. I remember when my Dad said he was going to do something, I knew he'd do it. I want to feel that way about you. You said you'd never leave me or forsake me. You said you'd give me peace. You said you'd walk with me through valley in the shadow of death. You said I shouldn't worry. You said you'd put a hedge around me. Lord you love my son more than me. You created him, you knew him before I did and you knew this was going to happen and if you wanted me to realize he's really yours then Lord I get that now. You know everything and you know how I feel right now. I just really need you to hold my hand.
In Jesus Name
Amen
Nathan has pretty much lost his voice as well because of where the beam is hitting. We have to listen to him carefully to make sure he's breathing ok at all times. I keep the baby monitor in his room turned all the way up. If he snores too much then we have to report it. If we have an inkling that he's having any amount of trouble breathing then we have to take him in to emergency. Every cancer situation is different, because of where Nathan's cancer is located in his head these are the concerns we have to watch for. Also if Nathan seems to be coughing too much, the doctors need to know. If he's coughing while eating is especially important because it can symbolize food is constantly going down the wrong pipe which could be a problem. He's on pain medication pretty much around the clock. The entire left side of Nathan's face has gotten unnaturally dark where the radiation beam is hitting and I'm told by the radiation doctor's it's going to take months to heal, it looks odd so I know people are going to stare soon or comment and I haven't figured out how I'm going to defend him yet, I definitely am, I just want to come up with a game plan on what I'm going to say. Do I feel like explaining to every body who asks that my son has cancer? I don't know yet, I'll cross that bridge when it arises. We're so close to being done with radiation. Just 4 more days I keep telling him, just four more days.
But guess what after all I wrote I am blown away by Nathan. Today when he entered the radiation room he went around and hugged everyone in the room! The doctors and nurses and therapists. He entered in with his little arms wide open and hugged everyone. He literally shocked me. I often tell people that Nathan amazes me. His attitude is much better then even mine would've been if I was going through a situation like this. To have all of this done to you and still want to hug the people who are doing it. It's like he understands he has to get worse before he can get better. And I really wish I could take credit for him doing so well with his treatment but I can't, it's all him.
I was talking with one of his nurses who used to work with adult cancer patients and I told her it must be so hard working with children now and she told me believe it or not, children don't complain like adults do and she enjoys the children better. And you know what? She's right! You can go to the childrens' cancer waiting room and you'll see he children playing and laughing usually. Seriously it's a HUGE difference. They really can't grasp the magnitude of cancer and so for them it's business as usual. For adults it's usually one complaint after another. Though all aren't like that (I met a beautiful cancer patient named Mrs. O who I'll blog about later. This woman knows Christ and everytime I see her she has a smile and something positive to say and there are others like her out there).
Oh and I can't forget Peyton. Nathan's cancer hit so fast and Peyton went from never really being baby sat to practically living with my parents. It happened so fast with no real introductory period. And she adjusted immediately! I used to tell people that Nathan was my child who'd go with anyone but Peyton wouldn't and boy was I wrong. She's amazing. My parents bought her a crib so she could sleep in her own room while there and she transitioned into it with no problems. She literally slept all the night the first night in it. She naps in there and everything with no problems. I always thought Peyton would need an adjustment period the first time she was away from us (my parents live an hour away by the way) but I was so wrong. This little girl is amazing, she blows me away as well, she's adjusted to this new life with ease and I'm so proud of her.
And now reading the above verse in Luke I'm starting to understand why Christ encourages us to have a child like faith. My children have faith in us right now. When the doctors have to perform procedures on Nathan he's usually in my lap or in Sam's and he snuggles in tight. Nathan had to have a probe go down his nose into his throat, a very uncomfortable procedure and I remember talking to him the entire time just telling him over and over that I'm there and it's ok. Since Nathan's been sick he's been really into holding our hands. During the week while I'm working around the house I'm usually doing everything with one hand because he likes to hold the other (no I don't get much done). And when we're not holding hands we're cuddling on the couch, lately he just likes to be really close to us. When Nathan gets out of bed at night he comes looking for one of us. When Peyton wakes up at night and cry out she usually calms down just by seeing me or Sam's face. When she falls, she looks in our direction waiting for one of us to pick her up. When she's hungry she comes to us trusting that we'll feed her. When they're both in the car riding they trust they're going to get where they're going. Right now they look to us for everything as long as one of us are near they don't have to worry and I believe they know that.
You know what? What if we approached God like that? What if we seek him when we're afraid and totally trust Him when He says it's going to be ok? What if we reached out to touch Him, just wanting to be close to him? What if when we fell we looked toward Him to pick us back up? What if we truly trusted Him to take care of us? What if we were to truly cast all of our cares upon Him? What would that faith look like? Like a child's I'd suppose.
Dear Lord,
I've been guilty of not trusting you. Even in this situation I still struggle, but I'm learning you want me to trust you with everything I have. Lord besides Sam my children are of the utmost importance to me. I love them so much and I want to protect them, but in this situation my hands are tied. I cannot remove Nathan's cancer. I haven't even been to medical school, there isn't much I can contribute to this. I know I dedicated Nathan to you in church but Lord I'm realizing now that I went through the motions that day. I don't think I really did it. Lord you've stripped all control from me and I'm realizing I never had it in the first place. Now Lord I'm rededicating Nathan and Peyton to you. This time I'm doing it for real. Lord my hands are tied. I can't do this without You. I have to send Peyton to stay with my parents an hour away and Lord she's in good hands there I know but I miss her so much when she's gone she brings me so much joy. Lord I can't save Nathan. Sam and I can take him to the hospital everyday Lord but we can't save his life. Lord they're yours, they always were and you knew that all along but it just took this for me to realize it. Lord you've humbled me, I don't know what else to say. I beg you to take this cancer from him. Lord please allow my children to outlive me, to grow old. Lord I beg you to heal Nathan, to remove this disease and never let it come back. I pray that you protect Peyton. Lord blanket her with your protection, protect her when she's riding in the car, Lord protect her from fires from anyone who'd want to break in. Lord I could go on and on, just please bring that little girl back home safely. Lord comfort Nathan, I keep telling him it's going to be alright but truthfully I don't know how this is going to end. Lord hold my hand. I feel helpless all I can do right now is call on you and I really need you right now, my family needs you. Lord I want to feel like a child again. I remember when my Dad said he was going to do something, I knew he'd do it. I want to feel that way about you. You said you'd never leave me or forsake me. You said you'd give me peace. You said you'd walk with me through valley in the shadow of death. You said I shouldn't worry. You said you'd put a hedge around me. Lord you love my son more than me. You created him, you knew him before I did and you knew this was going to happen and if you wanted me to realize he's really yours then Lord I get that now. You know everything and you know how I feel right now. I just really need you to hold my hand.
In Jesus Name
Amen
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