My Blessing

Through all of this you've been my blessing

There's a song called "If I could"

that talks about what a mother would do for her child "if only she could"

and that song speaks volumes when it comes to you and your sister.

I would take this from you if I could but God didn't leave that up to me.

I never knew I could love this much

and I never knew I could learn so much from a three year old.

Through this journey you've taught me what it really means to be strong.

In your three years you've put up with more than I've dealt with in my thirty-one.

I've learned how to take things as they come and roll with the punches from you.

I've learned how to laugh through pain,

I've learned how to keep going even when I don't feel like it.

And I've learned this all from watching you.

I've learned what it means to get back up after being knocked down.

So many people have tried to teach these lessons yet I've learned it best by watching you.

I admire you so much.

And I'm so proud of the little boy that you are.

You are the sweetest, brightest boy I know.

God gave me a son that is so perfect for me.

It saddens me to know that I don't think I would've been as strong as you if placed in the same situation.

I don't think I would have handled such an illness with the grace that you've shown.

Watching you have blessed me.

You refuse to be down and even now you've beaten all odds.

Your father and I just heard another man talk who had radiation aimed at his head and throat as you did and he described it as feeling like "fire."

He said he could not eat or drink anything no matter what it was.

The doctors showed me your X-Rays and your throat was full of blood,

yet you were still standing and though it pained you to do so you chose to eat even when it hurt.

You went from having a huge lump, to having an eye that literally would not move and a face that was half paralyzed.

You went through radiation that burned the entire left side of your face

and though I noticed when people gawked at the sight,

it didn't seem to phase you

Your throat was so swollen the doctors didn't think you'd be able to finish your radiation...yet you did it.

You were able to walk when the doctors said your pain was so great you needed morphine. You've been though more than any child should have to go through and yet you're still standing...still standing.

You amaze me, you really do.

I'm so very very thankful to have you for a son.

You're my blessing.

Risk Benefit

Lately we've been having visitors popping over and I love getting company but some come from pretty far away (like over an hour...). The problem is...Nathan still can't really be around people. Sam and I LOVE having people over and so does Nathan, we really do but right now is really not a good time for it.

I'll explain a few things that I may not have explained before in this blog, I can't remember but I'm going to address them really strongly here. I'm going to tell you point blank as Nathan's doctor told us: "If Nathan gets a cold it could kill him." This is no joke or exaggeration. Something as minute as a cold can literally kill him.

Nathan's nurse describes it as a risk/benefit. Meaning it's a benefit to see people and to let Nathan be around those who love him but every single time ANYONE outside of his immediate family (me, Sam, and Peyton) is around him it's also a huge risk to his health.

With flu season just around the corner I really want to address this now because when that time comes we won't be permitting anyone in except his grandparents when they are well. Sam and I will be spending the upcoming holidays here alone with the children. Please don't feel sorry for us because we don't feel sorry for ourselves. God willing we'll be with family again for these holidays next year and in the years to come but to us it's a small sacrifice to keep Nathan safe and in our opinion it's not worth the risk especially knowing that the situation is temporary. Even when Nathan stops getting chemo and is considered to be in remission it's still going to take a little while for his body to recover so please don't make plans of visiting anytime soon after that.

As Nathan's treatment progresses his blood counts will continue to get knocked down and take longer to recover and that is happening to him now. When his blood counts are low it lowers his ability to fight off infections. When you or I get a fever, what do we do? We take Tylenol or some other antibiotic right? If Nathan gets a fever he CANNOT be treated at home he needs to be taken to the emergency room and it's VERY hard for his body to fight it off.

For those of you who've seen him lately, you've complimented how great he looks and he really does. I'm so thankful and happy for how happy he's been and how he's been playing and running and jumping etc. I'm agreeing with you now that he is doing very well for a little guy with such a rare form of cancer and I want that to continue. Nathan's nurse stresses over and over not to let how he looks deceive us and I don't want it to deceive you either. We're on the right path, things are going great but any infection can mean a major setback for him and if he gets sick the illness comes on QUICK. The last time Nathan had to be hospitalized with an infection he was outside playing and acting fine all day then around 7:00 pm he asked to lay down and within a half hour he had a fever and after that we were on the phone with the doctor and en route to the ER and admittance. It can come on that fast.

Please please please start calling before you come over. There are times (though they are very rare now) that he can have company and we will welcome you (as long as you're well) during those times. I just have to put this out here because as awkward as it is for you to receive the news that you can't come in it's also very awkward for us to have to tell you, especially if you drove a distance but you will leave us no choice, we cannot take the risk anymore.

Please try to understand we are not trying to be mean and we're not blowing anything out of proportion. This is still a SERIOUS situation and we're nearing the end of Nathan's treatment. Prayerfully if everything continues to go well he'll be done with his treatment around the beginning of December! The end is near and we're praying hard to hear cancer free and we just really don't want any infections if we can avoid it because he's so close.

There are rare times when Sam or myself will receive company but when we do this the other takes Nathan away so he's not around the person visiting, they'll go outside or Nathan will stay upstairs. But again we need you to call ahead (NOT when you're en route either) and let us know you want to come over so we can tell you if it's a good time or not.

Soon this will all be over and we'll be able to have visitors over and we'll welcome you with open arms believe me. I know everyone reading this blog have been praying and I can't tell you how much we appreciate it and I do know that everyone visits with only the best intentions and you all love Nathan very very much and we appreciate everything you do and have done for us so please join with as again and help Nathan by calling before you come.

God Bless

LaToya

***IMPORTANT***

I know I haven't posted much in awhile and I will soon I promise but right now I've been in contact with my friend who's baby has Lukemia and he's just been moved to the ICU because of pneuomonia and respitory distress. He's only 6 months old (diagnosed at 2 months). Please keep their family lifted up in prayer. He has an identical twin brother as well (who isn't sick) but he's only 6 months so I know this is a lot of stress. He's a wonderful sweet little guy. Please, please, please pray!!!!!! I'm going to stop and see him tomorrow and will keep everyone posted but for now please stop what you're doing and send up a prayer for this little boy.

Quick updates

Really quick updates.

I didn't realize I'd forgotten to update on Nathan's nurse and my cousin.

Nathan's nurses brother is in rehab, doing much better!!!! Thank you for your prayers!

And my little cuz is home and expected to make a full recovery!!!

Nathan's next set of scans will be August 27th so please keep him in your prayers!

God Bless


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As a side note

I just thought I'd add this sense I've spent a lot of time venting lately. Truthfully I don't vent around the house or even talk the way I write on here.

Nathan is going through so much that I try not to let this stuff out during the day. Everyone needs an outlet and this is mine as raw as it is.

When people call or when I call people I usually only discuss cancer when it's brought up. I don't mind discussing it but I usually won't have this kind of rant on the phone (anymore) nor will I have them in front of my children. I just reserve those for here.

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Interesting article

Ok so I stole this post from another blog I just stumbled up on. It's very interesting, although the author wrote it about herself dealing with breast cancer, as a mother of a child with cancer I can relate to a TON of stuff on this list and I'm sure my friends at the hospital would agree with it.

The last few weeks have been pretty hard and burn out stage has arrived. I've been running like crazy. Nathan's blood counts have been low so he can't go out in public and truthfully it'll probably be like this until the end of his treatment.

I can't just take Nathan to the store anymore so I have to find time to do the grocery shopping when Sam's not working so I can leave him, lately Sam has been trying to get that out of the way early Sunday morning and on top of that I have to find time to cook. The house pretty much stays trashed with a pile of clean clothes in the living room because I don't really have time (or the energy for that matter) to fold them.

With Apraxia the therapy is pretty intense, I can't explain how hard it really is to correct this. Nathan is doing so well though but the road is going to be pretty long.

The Oncologist wants him to go to physical therapy and truthfully I'm trying to figure out how I can squeeze that into an already busy schedule.

Tomorrow I have to drive an hour both ways and then get back in time to run Nathan to his appointment, only to wake up and go to the hospital again on Thursday.

I've gotten invited to several things in these upcoming weeks and believe me I'd like to come but truthfully I'm exhausted, Nathan has been waking at night so we're not getting sleep and with all the running Sam and I do (almost everyday we have to be somewhere now) I'm just truly exhausted so I have to say no to everything right now outside of any activity I can find that Nathan can go to.

Dear Lord,

I'm thinking of Psalm 23 where King David says; "He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,
³ he restores my soul"
Lord I need to find those green pastures and still waters and I really need my soul restored.
The day tomorrow is going to be long again and truthfully I want to just cancel everything I have to do but unfortunately everything I have to do HAS to be done.
Lord I just ask for strength. I'm sitting here trying to finish something Nathan needs for tomorrow but don't even feel like doing it. I just need strength. Help me to stay awake and alert on the road tomorrow. Give me energy only you can give.
Please comfort Nathan, heal his little body and help him with his speech. Please continue to give me creative ideas as to how I can help him more and thank you so much for his wonderful therapist. He still gets really frustrated at times, please give Sam and me wisdom so we can help ease that frustration.
Please put a hedge around Peyton. Thank you so much for her and for that fact she's in such good health right now. I thank you for her wonderful little personality as well as Nathan's.
Lord please give Sam strength as he has a ton on his plate as well at work and at home.
In Jesus Name
Amen