I don't want to forget

They forgot what he had done,
the wonders he had shown them
Psalm 78:11

Yesterday I was going through some old pictures on my phone and came across a picture of Nathan that I took in January. I mentioned before that before the cancer diagnosis Nathan went downhill very fast and in this picture he was laying on the couch pretty sick, at the time I took the pic because I'd never seen him lay down on his own before. The moment I saw the picture it brought back a flood of memories. I know January wasn't that long ago but I put a lot of time and effort into trying to forget what it was like when Nathan got that sick. The picture brought back intense sadness. Ironically yesterday I also was looking for something in one of my hospital notebooks given to us for Nathan and came across a picture of his MRI that showed the size of his tumor and that was a double whammy, too much for one day.

The beginning of this cancer journey was by far the hardest part, now Sam and I have had time to settle into this new life but we took a moment today and remembered the beginning after I told him about the picture and MRI incident from yesterday. It pains me to look at those pictures and some of you are wondering why don't I delete them and I almost deleted the pictures from my phone but something wouldn't let me do it. As painful as these memories are I don't want to completely erase them. I don't want visit them often but at the same token I don't want to forget what God has done for our family.

I'm humbled when I take time to think about Nathan's situation and at times I again have to throw my hands back up and ask the Lord for renewed strength. Everything had been going so smooth and now Nathan is going through radiation. The beam is hitting him right around his throat area and it's making him very irritable. He's got a few sores in his mouth and doesn't want to eat because his throat hurts and also his skin is red and irritated and though I have stuff to put on it he doesn't like it touched. And the doctor said it's only going to get worse as time goes on. It's also very common for cancer patients to regress (and he has) so Nathan has to see a Developmental Specialist as well as a child Psychologist. Nathan went from taking his medicine like a champ to not wanting to do it anymore. He whines all day long and truthfully my heart breaks for him. Last week I was so happy he wasn't on pain medication and now he's taking several.

Discipline is hard because I sympathize so much with what he's going through. I get tired of giving him medicine so truthfully I don't blame him for not wanting to take it and he's gone from a life full of activities and play groups to only going to the hospital. Today he thought we were going to Gymboree because we were on that side of town and it broke my heart to tell him no. I called Sam saying he doesn't get to have fun anymore. I can't take him anywhere there are crowds because of the infection risk, no church, no playgroups, no trips to the library, he can't have visitors, especially children...just the hospital and home.

And for us the winter just flew by, I never felt that way before about the winter but this year I feel like it went by so quick and I'm honestly not looking forward to spring or summer. Nathan loves going to the playgrounds, we went to several last year, at least three times a week and that's out. I just told Sam I really want to fix up our yard like a playground, buy a really nice swing set, fence the yard, add a water table, I just want to make it as fun as possible. Sadly since Nathan can't go neither can Peyton unless Sam or I can get away to take her which is going to be hard to do between Sam working and all the hospital visits.

This is a lot to go through and honestly I'm looking forward to when all of this is the past, when we can look back on it and as painful as it'll be then I still don't want to forget. I want to look back and just be able to say "Thank you Lord" and I'll just want to thank Him over and over and to do that I'll need a reminder every now and then. I tear up just thinking about it. When this is over I'll just want to thank Him. Already I thank Him for the peace He's given us. The peace that passes all understanding, I just thank Him for giving that to us. God is so real, I see that more now that I ever have. He's shown me that He's in charge and always has been. He's shown me that I have to trust Him with everything including my children. I love Him so much. I don't know how people who don't believe in Christ make it, I truly don't. If it wasn't for Him I don't know where I'd be. Not being able to help your child's pain go away is very hard, I can't cuddle or rock him enough. I can rub his back or his face but I can't go inside his mouth and rub the sores in there. I really wish I could, I can't tell you how much I would love to take this from him and that alone can be very frustrating. Nathan screams and cries like you wouldn't believe and I get so frustrated I just have to leave the room and all I can say at those times are "Lord please help." At times I have no clue what he wants. Does his head hurt? Is it his mouth? Is he eating enough? What can I fix him? How can I make him comfortable? What exactly is he feeling? Not having an answer to these questions is really frustrating. But I know this has an end to it and soon this will all be a memory.

Oh my goodness what a day that will be,
When Nathan is Cancer Free!
And then on that day
There's one thing I'll say
Lord I'm so glad this is done
Thank you for saving our son
and we've gotten past this, still yet
I don't want to forget