A little bit of humor part 1

So some funny stuff has happened on this cancer journey that I should share:

First when Nathan was first hospitalized and we were still dealing with the shock factor a really sweet young nurse came into our room and asked if there was anything she could do and she was asked if she could get a prayer through (not by me or Sam mind you). She then squeaked out "do you want me to pray for you?" So she did and the prayer went something like this:

"God? (Seriously she said it with a question mark) Please help this family and Nathan.."

That was it. No amen or anything and we were all holding hands and at the end she just kind of gave them a little shake signifying she was done. I'm still wondering who she prayed to, she's become one of our favorite nurses and before this is all over I'm going to have to ask her lol.

Now I just bought some new shoes around Christmas time. They're pretty cute if I do say so myself. Since having children I've gone from wearing heels all the time to flat comfortable shoes but I decided around Christmas time that I'm gonna get my groove back and decided to purchase some heels. Then Nathan gets sick and I'm wearing these heels all the time, I have more comfortable shoes but the heels are cute. I have to do a ton of walking now and for some reason I always catch a "dry spot" when walking. It happens almost everyday. And I don't know what's more stank, actually falling or almost falling and having to do that little jog to catch myself. I haven't went down to the ground yet but I know it's coming. It only happens at the hospital, I can wear those shoes anywhere else but at the hospital it just keeps happening. I'm so glad Nathan is too young to realize he should be embarrassed.

And I just gotta talk about the people I've come in contact with. From the janitors to the secretaries, all the way up to the doctors the people are soooo nice. Now the cafeteria workers and the people in the parking garage are a different story. I don't want to say that they're all mean because there are a few nice ones that I speak to every morning. But as a whole they're pretty rude. I have to call down to order food for Nathan when he stays in the hospital and I've been cursed with a voice that sound like a child's on the phone. My voice comes in handy when telemarketers would call and ask for my parents. I would just say they're not here. I mean I'm not lying right? They didn't ask if my parents lived there, they just asked to speak to them. But when I'm trying to conduct business of any sort then my voice is a curse. And calling down to order food especially since Nathan is in Rainbow Babies Hospital is hard because I always have to explain that I'm the mom calling to order and not the kid calling because they don't want three year olds calling down there. It's truly a pain and I've gotten told off a few times and you can tell after awhile they don't believe me but take my order anyway. And I can't get smart back. I wish I could say it was my Christianity holding me back from telling them off but truthfully I don't believe in arguing with people fixing my food. I just think that's pure stupidity. And even when it comes to Nathan's room we pray really hard. Plus I've seen the people in the cafeteria and sized them up and I'm not sure if I could take them in a fight so I just keep my mouth shut (I've witnessed them tell off doctors too so no one is exempt).

I think I told you before that Nathan takes a ton of medications and most are really hard to pronounce. But anyway whenever we meet with a new department we have to tell all of the medicines that Nathan is taking and one day Sam was off work and there with us and he answered the medication question. Now let me back up, pronouncing these medications is like listening to someone get up in front of church and try to pronounce some of the words in scripture. Seriously am I the only one in the congregation that gets tickled with someone is asked to read a verse and for whatever reason stumbles over pronunciation. I don't know why but I've always found that kind of humorous, if I was asked to read scripture in church, I honestly would pick a verse with words I could pronounce, because combine nervousness with hard words...just doesn't make for a good presentation and I don't want the people trying so hard to hold in their laughter that they miss my verse. So to avoid stumbling over my words I've typed up a sheet of medications to just hand people to look at themselves. But Sam decided to raddle them off before I could stop him but I was blown away by him. He pronounced them like a pro. I'd never heard him say the names at home and I was secretly nervous for him when he started in on the list but when he finished I thought it was kinda sexy that he knew all that. For some reason it was humorous at that moment.

Then you know I've had days of intense frustration with this cancer thing and I remember driving one day and someone cut me off. Now I was in the car alone and I purposely don't have anything spiritual on my car, no bumper stickers with "Jesus love me" or anything like that and this person really angered me and I really considered hitting the horn or doing some sort of unChristiany jester but then it dawned on me that I don't know what kind of cars a lot of people from church drive...lol that person was saved by that. I'd hate to be laying on the horn and pull up next to my Pastor and his wife, wow I don't know what I'd say. (lol although I know what kind of car they drive).

On one more thing I have to share. Nathan has to get a shot in his leg for 8 days every month and it's administered at home by me and Sam. We have syringes and we draw the medicine out of vials and inject it in his leg. Anyway we had to go to training for this one day. A volunteer came to the room to be with Nathan and Sam and I went down to the class. It was just the two of us and a nurse with a great sense of humor who taught us. She let us practice on this little thing that was supposed to be like skin, we had to learn to clean it properly and hold it correctly to inject the shot. Then when we were done and about to leave she said there's one more part to the training. She wanted us to fill the needles with salt water and take a turn injecting each other so we could A, practice on a human, and B see what the needle feels like so we'll know what Nathan feels. I don't know why this struck Sam and I as the coolest thing, we were probably overly excited to do this! There's no domestic violence in our home so I can't think of any other time I get to stick him with a needle. Thankfully we hadn't had an argument before that training!

There's a ton more humor where that came from that I'll share later! God Bless :-)

Discipline

I wish someone would write a book on disciplining a child with cancer. I'm serious, it's a whole new realm. I mentioned before that it's very normal for a child with cancer to regress. They regress with potty training and in development and Nathan's no exception unfortunately. I hear horror stories a lot from the nurses and child life specialist about how children act post cancer. The problem is these children are catered to for a long time (that time length depends on their treatment). They're given gifts a lot and special privileges and very often become the center of attention. It's very common for a child in Nathan's situation to visit a child psychologist and developmental specialist and I'm told that usually when treatments are done they catch back up to their peers with time, but then there's the spoiled factor you have to deal with. You now have a cancer free tyrant on your hands.

Sadly I'm noticing some of these traits in Nathan already. I'm having a hard time telling the difference between Nathan being in pain or just acting up. Besides that Nathan is taking a ton of very heavy medications every day, some which have side effects that alter his moods drastically. So where does discipline fit into this equation? I have already had two times where he was acting out and it would've been really easy for me to assume it was bad behavior but then a test is done and something is discovered that is extremely painful and it was pain and the acting out may have been his way of alerting us. Right before Nathan was diagnosed his behavior changed drastically and honestly his constant 'bad' behavior coupled with physical changes in his face is what really lead to us questioning something being seriously wrong with him. A lot of the stress now comes in just dealing with his ever changing personality and trying to figure out what needs discipline and what needs a call to his doctor.

There's times where I can tell direct disobedience but because of the possibility of low blood platelets Nathan can't be whooped and truthfully time outs have never worked for him. So now what? I'm trying to get more creative but there's times I think to myself "If I could just pop him one good time I could get this situation under control."

Again I don't allow direct disobedience. The other day Nathan begged for some noodles to eat. After eating a noodle he decided he didn't want it and wanted something else, when he didn't get his way quick enough he flipped the entire plate onto the floor...truthfully he needed popped. So anyway I have a plate of noodles on the floor and he's begging for something else to eat...In a healthy normal situation after he got popped he wouldn't have gotten anything else, as a punishment he would've skipped that meal altogether. Problem now is I have a child who's getting chemo which alters the way food taste, most chemo patients say the food taste metallic-couple that with sores in your mouth and in Nathan's case an extremely sore throat along with the fact that he's three and as you know most three year olds are extremely picky eaters anyhow. Nathan needs as many calories as possible and needs to be able to eat whenever he want. Refusing food for him right now is a very bad thing for his health. During his treatment he's going to experience calorie losses so it's important for him to eat a ton whenever he can. So now what do I do in this situation?

I'm being patient with him and Sam is too. The doctors all say he's one of their best patients and for the most part he does really good when he's at the hospital. He has had a few days when he was very uncooperative but at the hospital they're quick to jump on board offering him toys to calm him etc. The other day he was allowed to get a toy from the toy box they have and he threw a fit when he couldn't find a car in it. Well I closed it and remained calm (no really I did) and said "Well Nathan you get nothing." That started a firestorm of protests from him that a good pop would've quieted, but I gotta watch that platelet thing so I didn't. Meanwhile one of the nurses went off on a mission and found him a hotwheels car. Another time he saw a toy grocery cart in the hospital that he wanted to play with (they have a ton of toys for the kids). He wanted it immediately but it had to be cleaned because another child had it. Well having to wait until it was cleaned started another huge firestorm that again a pop would've been needed but of course I didn't. And I didn't allow him to have the cart either.

The cancer is still relatively new and I'm sure as time goes along we'll get some sort of system down. It's just a concern because he has huge blowouts so often and now has a little sister who doesn't understand cancer and wants to emulate him. Thankfully I know a lot of parents who also have issues with physical aggression and we don't have that problem with Nathan at all, it's just more so whining and crying the majority of the day (no exaggeration). Sam and I want to help him but it's hard to help a screaming child especially if you're not sure when he's in legitimate pain.

We're staying patient, he's been through so much already that we as his parents can't understand but I do know that discipline is extremely important regardless. It's important to us and it's important to our Savior and we know that Nathan is a very sick little boy who's not verbal right now so we're being patient.

Dear Lord,

Tonight I just come to you praying for discernment. I truly don't want to be in the wrong with disciplining Nathan especially right now. I know that no matter what Sam and I do we're going to make mistakes but I just really don't want to punish when there's legitimate pain. The problem is Lord at times I'm having trouble telling the difference. Sometimes it's very obvious and at other times it's not so obvious. It's just another area that I have to seek you. I know he can't get away with not being disciplined but I need creative ideas on how to do it and when to apply it and in what situation.

In Jesus Name
Amen

A Privilege to Suffer for Him

For It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him.
Philippians 1:29

So I got to go to church today and it's the first time I've been back since Nathan's diagnosis. I was a little nervous about going, lately I cry so easily and I don't have that glamorous dainty cry that women on t.v. have, it's more that snot running down my face kinda thing but I planned on holding it together. But I cried as soon as I got through the door which was funny because out in the parking lot I was really good.

So much has changed since Nathan's diagnosis and in a way you begin to mourn those changes. Not being at church has been hard and I cried at seeing so many familiar faces. Seriously I haven't seen my church family since last year before all of this and oh my goodness it felt good to see them today and to know that so many prayers are going up for Nathan. And they even prayed for Nathan today at church, to know that so many people in one room were in agreement in prayer concerning my child...I can't even put into words what that feels like.

Well today is Palm Sunday and Pastor Maiden preached about suffering. He started preaching at John 12 where Jesus is making that triumphal entry and he preached about suffering because as you know our Lord died a horrific death for us. It was definitely a sermon I needed to hear.

I accepted Christ as Lord when I was 23. I went to church my entire life but it wasn't until age 23 when I finally acknowledged Jesus as Lord and asked Him to come live in my heart and so began the walk. I was in the process of losing my job due to cutbacks at the time I got saved and during that month off I listened to Moody radio and started seeking God for the first time in my life and I learned early on that accepting Christ didn't mean I'm was going to sail through life on this cloud, though I guess even though I learned that I still secretly hoped this was the case.

As our Pastor was preaching I leaned over to my friend and whispered I still don't want to suffer I want to sail through this walk and get a million dollars and a brand new S-Class on top of that. But reality is even if I were to get that stuff, there's still going to be suffering in this Christian walk and I'm so thankful for my Pastor and for the many ministries on Moody radio that tell the truth. We need to know that. So many people are quick to leave Christ when something goes astray instead of clinging to him with all of their might. We as a people have our own ideologies of what this life should entail and suffering is not a part of it. But Christ said that in this world there will be suffering. There's no way around it. And all of our suffering is different. Mine came in the form of a child with cancer and truthfully if God gives me a lot more years on this earth, this isn't going to be the last bit of suffering I feel.

The greatest thing I love about being a Christian is that I have so much hope. I get weary all the time right now but the hope still remains. I was listening to Focus on the Family this past week and Ann Graham Lotz was on preaching about Heaven and I just sat in awe listening. It's more beautiful than I could ever fathom. She preached from John 14 and in there God said that in His house are many rooms and when Thomas asked how do we get to this place He told us, that He is the Way the Truth and the Life. It's through Him that we'll get there.

Truthfully when I first started writing this blog I was only going to talk about my good days but then decided to include the bad. Some days truly stink and at times I'm angry and just a lot of stuff and I wonder a lot why Nathan had to be the one. But I have to tell anyone it's a privilege to know God. Things aren't easy but I love having a Savior like Christ, who understands suffering himself. A God who cares about all the little things I share with Him. I don't know if you realize it or not but in this situation even though Sam and I lean on each other for support it's not like one is going through more than the other. In other words it's not a situation where I broke my foot and I'm leaning on Sam to comfort me. Nathan is equally our child and though we rely on each other heavily there's times when neither of us have strength to offer the other one. I'm telling you now if I'd entered into a situation like this without my Lord I don't think I could make it.

Now I think the hardest part of being a parent is watching your child suffer, whether that be cancer, or bullying, etc. I may have said this before but now I truly understand why parents have refused to allow their children to continue getting cancer treatments. I've seen the stories on the news of parents on the run to avoid allowing any more chemo or radiation. I'm not saying it's right but I do fully understand now. Radiation is BRUTAL and hard to watch. Nathan has 4 more days and we're praying so hard he makes it through and then still he has almost a year left of chemo treatments and other therapies. Yeah I want to take him and run to. I want to tell the doctors enough, his body has already taken enough. It's hard accepting that to get better he has to get worse. It's just hard but even listening to our Pastor today I realized that Nathan isn't going to be exempt from suffering in this world. I obviously can't protect him from this. And I guess I needed to realize today that this suffering is going to include him as well. I wish I could take this away from him, I really do. But I do realize that God's will at some point is going to be made perfect, whether Nathan survives this or not God's will is going to be made perfect. He hadn't lost control when He died on the cross. Many probably felt He did, Satan probably thought He won but if you look back Jesus had been saying all along what he was going to do on that third day. He rose, he was in control and He still is even to this day.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for today. Thank you for the sermon reminding me what a privilege it is to suffer for you. I may not always agree with that and surely I don't always see it that way especially when going through difficult situations but to know that you are in control of this situation still brings comfort. I don't know what I would do without you. Being able to come to you with every little thing has been getting me through this. Thank you for my church and for the prayers going up for Nathan. You said where two or more are gathered in your name you are in the midst. I know you're hearing us Lord. I know you are. Thank you for hope even in the midst of struggle. Thank you so much for the being able to serve you.

In Jesus Name
Amen.

Hold my hand

¹⁵People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. ¹⁶But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁷I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
Luke 18:15-17

Nathan is nearing the end of his radiation treatment and it's hard to watch. Truthfully radiation is pretty brutal. It starts out ok, but as it progresses it gets pretty harsh. The radiation beam is only on Nathan for about 10 minutes each day and in the beginning it was pretty non eventful, but as time progresses the side effects really kick in and it's hard to watch especially being a parent. I was told in the beginning by the radiation doctors that over time they're going to make Nathan very cranky unfortunately and they weren't kidding.

Nathan has pretty much lost his voice as well because of where the beam is hitting. We have to listen to him carefully to make sure he's breathing ok at all times. I keep the baby monitor in his room turned all the way up. If he snores too much then we have to report it. If we have an inkling that he's having any amount of trouble breathing then we have to take him in to emergency. Every cancer situation is different, because of where Nathan's cancer is located in his head these are the concerns we have to watch for. Also if Nathan seems to be coughing too much, the doctors need to know. If he's coughing while eating is especially important because it can symbolize food is constantly going down the wrong pipe which could be a problem. He's on pain medication pretty much around the clock. The entire left side of Nathan's face has gotten unnaturally dark where the radiation beam is hitting and I'm told by the radiation doctor's it's going to take months to heal, it looks odd so I know people are going to stare soon or comment and I haven't figured out how I'm going to defend him yet, I definitely am, I just want to come up with a game plan on what I'm going to say. Do I feel like explaining to every body who asks that my son has cancer? I don't know yet, I'll cross that bridge when it arises. We're so close to being done with radiation. Just 4 more days I keep telling him, just four more days.

But guess what after all I wrote I am blown away by Nathan. Today when he entered the radiation room he went around and hugged everyone in the room! The doctors and nurses and therapists. He entered in with his little arms wide open and hugged everyone. He literally shocked me. I often tell people that Nathan amazes me. His attitude is much better then even mine would've been if I was going through a situation like this. To have all of this done to you and still want to hug the people who are doing it. It's like he understands he has to get worse before he can get better. And I really wish I could take credit for him doing so well with his treatment but I can't, it's all him.

I was talking with one of his nurses who used to work with adult cancer patients and I told her it must be so hard working with children now and she told me believe it or not, children don't complain like adults do and she enjoys the children better. And you know what? She's right! You can go to the childrens' cancer waiting room and you'll see he children playing and laughing usually. Seriously it's a HUGE difference. They really can't grasp the magnitude of cancer and so for them it's business as usual. For adults it's usually one complaint after another. Though all aren't like that (I met a beautiful cancer patient named Mrs. O who I'll blog about later. This woman knows Christ and everytime I see her she has a smile and something positive to say and there are others like her out there).

Oh and I can't forget Peyton. Nathan's cancer hit so fast and Peyton went from never really being baby sat to practically living with my parents. It happened so fast with no real introductory period. And she adjusted immediately! I used to tell people that Nathan was my child who'd go with anyone but Peyton wouldn't and boy was I wrong. She's amazing. My parents bought her a crib so she could sleep in her own room while there and she transitioned into it with no problems. She literally slept all the night the first night in it. She naps in there and everything with no problems. I always thought Peyton would need an adjustment period the first time she was away from us (my parents live an hour away by the way) but I was so wrong. This little girl is amazing, she blows me away as well, she's adjusted to this new life with ease and I'm so proud of her.

And now reading the above verse in Luke I'm starting to understand why Christ encourages us to have a child like faith. My children have faith in us right now. When the doctors have to perform procedures on Nathan he's usually in my lap or in Sam's and he snuggles in tight. Nathan had to have a probe go down his nose into his throat, a very uncomfortable procedure and I remember talking to him the entire time just telling him over and over that I'm there and it's ok. Since Nathan's been sick he's been really into holding our hands. During the week while I'm working around the house I'm usually doing everything with one hand because he likes to hold the other (no I don't get much done). And when we're not holding hands we're cuddling on the couch, lately he just likes to be really close to us. When Nathan gets out of bed at night he comes looking for one of us. When Peyton wakes up at night and cry out she usually calms down just by seeing me or Sam's face. When she falls, she looks in our direction waiting for one of us to pick her up. When she's hungry she comes to us trusting that we'll feed her. When they're both in the car riding they trust they're going to get where they're going. Right now they look to us for everything as long as one of us are near they don't have to worry and I believe they know that.

You know what? What if we approached God like that? What if we seek him when we're afraid and totally trust Him when He says it's going to be ok? What if we reached out to touch Him, just wanting to be close to him? What if when we fell we looked toward Him to pick us back up? What if we truly trusted Him to take care of us? What if we were to truly cast all of our cares upon Him? What would that faith look like? Like a child's I'd suppose.

Dear Lord,

I've been guilty of not trusting you. Even in this situation I still struggle, but I'm learning you want me to trust you with everything I have. Lord besides Sam my children are of the utmost importance to me. I love them so much and I want to protect them, but in this situation my hands are tied. I cannot remove Nathan's cancer. I haven't even been to medical school, there isn't much I can contribute to this. I know I dedicated Nathan to you in church but Lord I'm realizing now that I went through the motions that day. I don't think I really did it. Lord you've stripped all control from me and I'm realizing I never had it in the first place. Now Lord I'm rededicating Nathan and Peyton to you. This time I'm doing it for real. Lord my hands are tied. I can't do this without You. I have to send Peyton to stay with my parents an hour away and Lord she's in good hands there I know but I miss her so much when she's gone she brings me so much joy. Lord I can't save Nathan. Sam and I can take him to the hospital everyday Lord but we can't save his life. Lord they're yours, they always were and you knew that all along but it just took this for me to realize it. Lord you've humbled me, I don't know what else to say. I beg you to take this cancer from him. Lord please allow my children to outlive me, to grow old. Lord I beg you to heal Nathan, to remove this disease and never let it come back. I pray that you protect Peyton. Lord blanket her with your protection, protect her when she's riding in the car, Lord protect her from fires from anyone who'd want to break in. Lord I could go on and on, just please bring that little girl back home safely. Lord comfort Nathan, I keep telling him it's going to be alright but truthfully I don't know how this is going to end. Lord hold my hand. I feel helpless all I can do right now is call on you and I really need you right now, my family needs you. Lord I want to feel like a child again. I remember when my Dad said he was going to do something, I knew he'd do it. I want to feel that way about you. You said you'd never leave me or forsake me. You said you'd give me peace. You said you'd walk with me through valley in the shadow of death. You said I shouldn't worry. You said you'd put a hedge around me. Lord you love my son more than me. You created him, you knew him before I did and you knew this was going to happen and if you wanted me to realize he's really yours then Lord I get that now. You know everything and you know how I feel right now. I just really need you to hold my hand.

In Jesus Name
Amen

We're going to the park

I decided that Nathan was going to have fun today. I called his Nurse Practitioner and Sam letting them know I wanted to take him to a park. All of us were in agreement as long as the park wasn't too crowded.

It was a beautiful day here in Cleveland. It was only 49 degrees but extremely sunny. I told Nathan before we left the house that we were going outside to a park, "Outside?" he said with a HUGE grin, "Yes outside." He then started smiling and hopping around and took all of his medicine like a champ! Then off we went.

We went to Preston's Hope, a pretty big park here in Cleveland and thankfully there wasn't more than 5 families when we arrived, enough to feel safe but not too many to have to worry about being to close. Nathan took off jogging and grinning ear to ear. I saw a little bit of my son that I remembered before the cancer. I was so excited to see him smiling and happy! He just walked around touching everything looking around like "Am I really here?" He then ran and gave me the biggest hug for some reason but it filled me with so much joy.

At one time about 5 kids and him were in one area playing and Nathan was SO happy to be around children but it was very short lived because I noticed quickly one kept sniffing, so off we went to be alone again. All in all he had a wonderful day, crying only when I said it was time to go home.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for days like today. Thank you for the joy Nathan showed at the park today. Lord thank you so much for this little guy. Thank you for his smiles. They're very far and few in between now a days but today he grinned ear to ear. Finally Lord something fun, away from the hospital. Lord thank you so much for allowing us to sneak in a day like today. Lord please remove this cancer from him. Lord take it away completely, please, if you never hear another request from me please hear and answer this one.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Another Week Starts

Dear Lord

Another week is starting Lord and I have no clue what it's going to bring, I just pray for your protection. Lord forgive me for not calling on you last week. For being anxious and doubting you. Forgive me for not wanting to talk to you. Forgive me for my horrible mood swings and for being impatient. Lord please put a hedge around my family, protect Sam Lord, protect him as he's getting in the car, protect him as he's driving to and from work and protect him while in the office, Lord help him to to have a safe day in the office and guard his heart. Give him peace as he's going through having to balance work, family and Nathan's illness. Continue to hold him up Father.

Lord I pray that you protect Nathan tomorrow, I pray for the medical team that will be working on him, I pray that they've all gotten the proper rest. I pray for the dose of medicine that will be given to put him to sleep, I pray that you wake him back up safely. I pray over this tumor Lord, please remove it and block it or anything of it's kind from ever coming back. I pray comfort for Nathan Lord, I know it's rough on him but Lord comfort him, hold his hand when I'm not there to do it Lord. I pray that you ease the physical pain that he's in. Lord he has nine more days of radiation left, get him through it please. I pray for safe travel to and from the hospital. Please Lord protect us from anything that will stop us from getting there on time. We get in the garage so early there's hardly anyone there, please get us in the building safely.

I pray over Peyton Lord. I pray that you protect her this week. Lord cover my parents house, protect it from anyone wanting to break in, protect it from fires, carbon dioxide, Lord cover her. I pray that you keep her at peace. Put a shield around my parents vehicle, watch over them as they go into stores and restuarants. Lord please allow her to come home safely on Thursday. I pray from her development. I pray that she continues to learn new words. Lord I love her personality so much.

Lord I also pray for strength. Lord allow me to stay focused. Lord remind me constantly of who you are. Hold my hand this week Lord. I pray for peace, I ask for wisdom and guidance. Please give me understanding when talking to Nathan's team of doctor's this week, I pray that you bring the right questions to mind.

Lord I thank you. I thank you so much for carrying us this far. Thank you so much for remaining constant, for loving us even though we don't deserve it. I thank you for keeping our family together even in the midst of a difficult time. I thank you again for our medical team that seems to grow every week. I thank you that we're here in Cleveland, so close to UH and the Cleveland Clinic. I thank you that so far Nathan is responding to treatment. Lord I thank you for our friends and family Lord, thank you for our support circle.

And Lord last of all I pray for Holly, Benjamin, Zach, and Austin. Just four families I met who are in the same boat dealing with childhood cancer. Lord my hearts go out to them. I know their hurt. I know how deep it goes. I know what they're feeling. Lord child hood cancer stinks, it really does. Lord put a hedge around these families. If you wanted to you could heal them all instantly Lord. Please father show up. I thank you that Benjamin and Zach are now cancer free. Lord please let it stay that way. Allow these children to grow old. I know you're here, I know you still hear us. Lord show up for us and families like us. You are Alpha and Omega, the great I AM. Lord hear us please and show up. Rescue all of our children from this horrible disease. Until then we will trust you. We will wait, we will serve you and we will trust you.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Encouragement

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing

1 Thessalonians 5:11

I am so thankful for a friend who encouraged me with scripture this past Thursday. The weeks have really gotten hard and truthfully I really haven't felt like praying or even reading. I just feel a huge heavy weight that keeps getting heavier and heavier. Nathan is on pain medication around the clock and he's possibly going to need another blood transfusion next week. Last week was beyond hard. There are areas in his throat that are swollen which is one of the side effects from the radiation. Unfortunately the radiation has to hit there because of where the cancer is, so they put him on a steroid to ease the pain he's been feeling. But then the steroids have their own side effects (one being intense mood swings). Everyday this week has been hard for him and as a parent it's just hard to watch. I miss our daughter during the week and I was just sick of the changes taking place. I just really long to have our old life back and all of this just keeps mounting up and I was so frustrated when I talked to my friend. And she told me to try to read some scripture if I can, even if it's one verse. I said I'd try but I didn't know when it'd happen but I said I'd try. It wasn't that I didn't believe she was right, I do know the power in God's word but seriously I just felt worn out and kind of mad at God. He was so close to me in the beginning but where is He now? She then called me back about a half hour later with a chapter she just read in Psalm and she wanted to encourage me to read it. I actually couldn't wait to see what she'd found so that night I read it and it was dead on for me!!!!!! Psalm 77 said everything I've been saying to myself and then at the end it reminds me of the God I serve! Thank you so much Alisha for that chapter! Seriously reading that rejuvenated me in a way I didn't think was possible right now, I actually went into the hospital with Nathan the next day feeling stronger after reading it. Especially verse 19, I really feel like I can't see Him at times but that chapter gave me a swift kick reminding me who God is once again and that He's still here. I thank you a million times for calling me back with it! I now read it before I go to bed and as soon as I wake up. It's encouraged me in an unbelievable way.

Also I watched 'Fireproof' on Friday and there's a song that says a lot of what I've been feeling and I want to share it with you along with Psalm 77 below that. God Bless

Psalm 77

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

What are you doing

Seriously this last week has been very stressful so much going on and I've just been feeling very bogged down. I've kind of withdrawn, I'm not much for talking on the phone, don't really feel like smiling or laughing, haven't felt like praying either, just going through motions the last few days.

Nathan is really feeling the side effects from his radiation and his chemo didn't go so well last week, he literally started crying hysterically after he was admitted to the floor, he just wouldn't cooperate and didn't want to be there. Then he had to stay later at the hospital the next day because they wouldn't release him unless he ate or drank something. The weekend was full of crying from him and the stress just really got to me for some reason and I really needed to 'escape.' My husband was gracious enough to let me handle the shopping which gave me time to get out of the house and then he took both children to Warren to drop of Peyton at my parents which let me be in the house alone. Very thoughtful of him considering we're both going through this.

On Saturday Nathan was chasing Peyton and tripped and went head first into the wall hitting his forehead. Not only was it scary but we had to call the doctor to report it and check his platelets etc. A simple fall (although that one wasn't simple) can be a huge deal now. Thankfully he was ok but then we started noticing his cry was weak throughout the night and by Sunday evening he had no voice so we called the doctor and was told to bring him into the ER. They at first suspected it was laryngitis and since he didn't have a fever or show any signs of breathing problems he was able to go home. But you know how the ER goes - we were there until almost midnight, we didn't get him in bed until around 1 am and had to be back up at 6:45 am. I literally had to take him out of the house kicking and screaming, he was exhausted and still sick. And with a throat problem he can't be sedated because of the threat of asphyxia and since he can't be sedated he can't get radiation. So the Ear Nose Throat doctor had to look down his throat, by sticking a probe down his nose (yes that's as uncomfortable as it sounds). And Nathan wasn't happy about that. Come to find out his vocal cord is swollen which is causing the loss of his voice so he has to go to OR tomorrow so they can get a better look.

Since Nathan is immunocompromised I have to be extremely strict about who comes around and even taking him to the ER is a challenge because we have to find a hallway to walk in to keep him away from the crowd. When he went downstairs to see the ENT the receptionist was understanding and let us wait in an empty exam room. I have to be strict with parents who allow their children to approach him. I don't think I was a mean person before, but this situation has a brought a lot out of me.

I still have a certain amount of peace but I still feel a huge weight at times. I think that's why I avoid the phone so much and conversation at those times. I may not necessarily feel like talking, or have anything to say, I go through it at the hospital so much I just don't feel like discussing it at home and I just withdraw, give me time and I'll be back again but these withdrawals are needed for me at times.

On Friday though my Great Aunt Ann (my grandmothers baby sister) who lives in Alabama called and we played phone tag until Saturday night. She wanted to check and see how I was doing and she said to me, "many people can sympathize with you but honey I empathize." Aunt Ann lost her son Paul to cancer. I was really young at the time (maybe 12 or so) and I hadn't remembered that. As soon as she said those words she stopped me in my tracks and had my undivided attention. Everything she said to me had great meaning. She asked all of the right questions and she said to me, "If God puts it on you He'll give you the grace to bear it." I asked her how she coped when she was going through and she told me how hard it was and she'd lost a lot of weight but she said "Sweetie, joy will come, God has to put us through these kinds of things so we'll grow, but even the worst situations have an end to them and then joy will come." She couldn't see me crying and honestly I held it together pretty good but to hear her tell me that she know it's hard now but joy will come touched me and I know she told me from experience. Paul was in his forties when he died and she said her main concern was his salvation and he was saved and that brings her great peace.

Dear Lord,

Honestly I'm struggling to pray right now. For these last few days I've struggled day and night. I'm pretty angry and I don't know who to direct my anger at. I'm mad at the situation and I'm so mad I can't change it. I feel frustrated beyond belief. I see life continuing around me, people enjoying this new year and I hate it with a passion. 2010 will go down in history as being horrible to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything, I just want to move on and have Nathan's cancer be a distant memory. I can't continue to smile right now, I just don't feel like it and comfort isn't really coming this week. When will this end and how will it end? Not knowing that tends to bother me. I trust you Lord I really do but I'm still weary. The road continues to get bumpier and we're just hitting tons of bumps right now. And to be honest I still don't think it's fair that my three year old son has this. Lord we had so many plans for a wonderful year, Disney World in March, traveling this summer. Why in the world did you do this? I just don't understand. Why do you want us to have such horrible memories? Did we really have to go through this? Why? What is your purpose in this? Why does Nathan have to go through this and why put our entire family through something like this? I wish I could see what you see Father, I really do. Until then I'm going to try to hold on to You but I'll admit it's hard, times are rough and during these times it's just hard. I don't want to turn my back on you, even in these times I know you haven't lost control, I just really wish I could figure out what you're doing.

In Jesus Name
Amen

I want to meet her...continued

FYI you'll have to read the previous post to understand this one :-)

I just wanted to say Nathan's appointment with Dr. Nancy got moved up to April 2nd!!!!!!! Thank you Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I Want to Meet her

So anyway when Nathan was first diagnosed with an ear infection on January 5th, the Doctor that day also recommended that he visit a Developmental Specialist. She recommended a Doctor named Dr. Nancy (I'll keep her last name private for this blog) and told us she was the best in the state of Ohio. Well come to find out she was so good her next available appointment was October...2010. So we made the appointment and they sent us a huge packet to fill out. Nathan was then diagnosed with the cancer before we could fill out the packet.

Fast forward to present day. I mentioned because of the effect cancer has on young children the Oncology team recommend they see a Developmental Specialist as well as a Psychologist. The child development department is really hard to get through to, even for us but we told Nathan's Oncologist about the scheduled appointment and even showed her the packet we had. She'd been trying for two weeks to get in touch with them through email and phone calls but couldn't get through. The lady Nathan is to see is supposed to be really good so they're trying to move up an appointment with her due to his current situation. Nathan's Oncologist called yesterday to let us know she decided to just walk over to the building to talk to them in person. She got there and explained the situation and they told her to have me bring in the packet today.

So today I go to the building to drop off the paper work and I must say I'm quite impressed with Nathan's doctor for walking there because it is not a close walk, as a matter of fact Nathan and I drove. The building was beautiful and as we were walking to the Child Development office I passed a woman in a business suit and a sudden thought popped into my head, "what if that's Dr. Nancy." I was only expecting to drop the paperwork off with the receptionist and leave but after seeing that woman, it got me thinking and I quickly prayed saying, "Lord I'd really like to meet this Doctor today." Right after that prayer we found the office.

We got in around 11:30 am and the lobby was empty except one other lady waiting. I rang the bell that was there because there was no receptionist and then a lady appeared at the desk, "can I help you? What time is your appt?" I then explained to her why I was there to drop off the paperwork and let her know Nathan's Oncologist had been in the day before, etc, etc. and I said he has an appointment with Dr. Nancy in October but we were hoping to move it up. And then the lady looked at me and said, "I am Dr. Nancy, I don't know where the receptionist is so I decided to come up when I heard the bell." I was shocked and in my head I immediately began praising and thanking the Lord. Here is this woman who is so good that everyone including Nathan's Oncologist has a hard time getting in touch with, yet God delivers her right in front of us.

She then took the paperwork and came out and kneeled in front of Nathan to meet him and told him she knows he's been through a lot. She asked me a few questions about the paperwork and off she went to check something, I then prayed that she could see him today really quick lol but God must have felt that was enough for one day because her schedule wouldn't allow it. She then came back and said that she'll have someone call us to schedule but she'd be going over the paperwork. But I left there so pumped because God heard that little simple prayer!!!

Lord we come to you so thankful today! You are a God who cares about our little prayers. Thank you so much for letting us meet Dr. Nancy today. Even though I said that prayer I truthfully felt the odds were against it but I should know now that nothing is too big for you. Thank you for Dr. Nancy being able to kneel down in front of Nathan today. Thank you that out of all the other doctors there (about 5), she happened to be the one to hear the bell and come out to the front desk. Lord I thank you that instead of handing that paperwork to a receptionist, I was able to hand it directly to the doctor. Lord you are so good. I pray that Nathan's appointment can be moved up. I pray that the phone will ring soon with a new appointment. Lord thank you that a doctor with her expertise is so close to us.

In Jesus Name
Amen

I don't want to forget

They forgot what he had done,
the wonders he had shown them
Psalm 78:11

Yesterday I was going through some old pictures on my phone and came across a picture of Nathan that I took in January. I mentioned before that before the cancer diagnosis Nathan went downhill very fast and in this picture he was laying on the couch pretty sick, at the time I took the pic because I'd never seen him lay down on his own before. The moment I saw the picture it brought back a flood of memories. I know January wasn't that long ago but I put a lot of time and effort into trying to forget what it was like when Nathan got that sick. The picture brought back intense sadness. Ironically yesterday I also was looking for something in one of my hospital notebooks given to us for Nathan and came across a picture of his MRI that showed the size of his tumor and that was a double whammy, too much for one day.

The beginning of this cancer journey was by far the hardest part, now Sam and I have had time to settle into this new life but we took a moment today and remembered the beginning after I told him about the picture and MRI incident from yesterday. It pains me to look at those pictures and some of you are wondering why don't I delete them and I almost deleted the pictures from my phone but something wouldn't let me do it. As painful as these memories are I don't want to completely erase them. I don't want visit them often but at the same token I don't want to forget what God has done for our family.

I'm humbled when I take time to think about Nathan's situation and at times I again have to throw my hands back up and ask the Lord for renewed strength. Everything had been going so smooth and now Nathan is going through radiation. The beam is hitting him right around his throat area and it's making him very irritable. He's got a few sores in his mouth and doesn't want to eat because his throat hurts and also his skin is red and irritated and though I have stuff to put on it he doesn't like it touched. And the doctor said it's only going to get worse as time goes on. It's also very common for cancer patients to regress (and he has) so Nathan has to see a Developmental Specialist as well as a child Psychologist. Nathan went from taking his medicine like a champ to not wanting to do it anymore. He whines all day long and truthfully my heart breaks for him. Last week I was so happy he wasn't on pain medication and now he's taking several.

Discipline is hard because I sympathize so much with what he's going through. I get tired of giving him medicine so truthfully I don't blame him for not wanting to take it and he's gone from a life full of activities and play groups to only going to the hospital. Today he thought we were going to Gymboree because we were on that side of town and it broke my heart to tell him no. I called Sam saying he doesn't get to have fun anymore. I can't take him anywhere there are crowds because of the infection risk, no church, no playgroups, no trips to the library, he can't have visitors, especially children...just the hospital and home.

And for us the winter just flew by, I never felt that way before about the winter but this year I feel like it went by so quick and I'm honestly not looking forward to spring or summer. Nathan loves going to the playgrounds, we went to several last year, at least three times a week and that's out. I just told Sam I really want to fix up our yard like a playground, buy a really nice swing set, fence the yard, add a water table, I just want to make it as fun as possible. Sadly since Nathan can't go neither can Peyton unless Sam or I can get away to take her which is going to be hard to do between Sam working and all the hospital visits.

This is a lot to go through and honestly I'm looking forward to when all of this is the past, when we can look back on it and as painful as it'll be then I still don't want to forget. I want to look back and just be able to say "Thank you Lord" and I'll just want to thank Him over and over and to do that I'll need a reminder every now and then. I tear up just thinking about it. When this is over I'll just want to thank Him. Already I thank Him for the peace He's given us. The peace that passes all understanding, I just thank Him for giving that to us. God is so real, I see that more now that I ever have. He's shown me that He's in charge and always has been. He's shown me that I have to trust Him with everything including my children. I love Him so much. I don't know how people who don't believe in Christ make it, I truly don't. If it wasn't for Him I don't know where I'd be. Not being able to help your child's pain go away is very hard, I can't cuddle or rock him enough. I can rub his back or his face but I can't go inside his mouth and rub the sores in there. I really wish I could, I can't tell you how much I would love to take this from him and that alone can be very frustrating. Nathan screams and cries like you wouldn't believe and I get so frustrated I just have to leave the room and all I can say at those times are "Lord please help." At times I have no clue what he wants. Does his head hurt? Is it his mouth? Is he eating enough? What can I fix him? How can I make him comfortable? What exactly is he feeling? Not having an answer to these questions is really frustrating. But I know this has an end to it and soon this will all be a memory.

Oh my goodness what a day that will be,
When Nathan is Cancer Free!
And then on that day
There's one thing I'll say
Lord I'm so glad this is done
Thank you for saving our son
and we've gotten past this, still yet
I don't want to forget

I Prayed for Nathan

I LOVE Nathan's medical team so much. Today when Nathan went for chemotherapy his doctor asked us how we were doing. His main doctor is from Ghana, a stunning woman who has the most beautiful personality and is such a good doctor, we are so blessed to have her on Nathan's team. Sam and I think very highly of her as well as everyone else.

Anyway she asked how we were doing and I told her a lot of people have been praying for Nathan and she said "I've been praying for him too." That statement moved me so much. To know that his doctor is a woman who prays and took time out to pray for Nathan spoke volumes and I was so thankful. I can't say it surprised me necessarily because she's just that beautiful of a person but it just really meant a lot to know that she prayed for him. I couldn't wait to get in the car to tell Sam and of course the first thing he said was "I've always liked that lady."

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for our medical team. Lord I really want to name names but I don't want to risk leaving anyone out because they're all so important to our family. Lord I just can't thank you enough for the entire medical team, for everyone who've crossed our paths, the doctors, nurses, child life specialist, secretaries, LPN's, janitors, Lord thank you for them. I thank you for the people working on Nathan, Lord I can't express to you what these people have meant in our lives. Lord Thank you so very much for them. I pray that you'll continue to guide them, not only where Nathan is concerned but with their other patients as well. Give them wisdom Lord, help them to be able to get the proper sleep and I know they have bad days as well Lord, they're doing such a huge task Lord and I know it has to be hard for them at times. Give them comfort, remove all guilt if they ever experience that, give them peace.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Powerful Men

A lot of you have asked how Sam is handling this with Nathan and right now he's at peace. He said he totally put it God's hands and he's at peace with that. It really hurt him of course. Nathan is our first born and honestly when we found out he was a boy I don't think I ever saw a bigger smile on that man's face. They mow the lawn together, shovel the snow together, work on projects together. I remember before Nathan was born Sam said "I'm gonna take him everywhere" and he does. He went to get the oil changed when Nathan was about 6 months and said that while the oil was being changed Nathan went to the restroom so he pulled him out of his seat and changed him right there in his lap during the oil change, something the mechanics said they never saw before. One of the best pictures we have was when Nathan was born and Sam was leaning over him, it's one of my best memories. And today this post is going to take a little different approach because I want to talk about Sam.

I don't know why but today when we were leaving the hospital I was walking behind two men. The were probably 60+ years old, very well dressed (nice jewelry etc.), both were pulling laptops. Something about them gave me the sense that they probably held powerful positions. I don't know why that thought came to me but for some reason it did immediately and it made me think, wow I have a powerful man in my life. My husband exudes powerful and I just wanted to share what powerful means to me and how it relates to him.

Provider: Sam has been an AMAZING provider. I truly believe that it's the man's responsibility to take care of a woman as good as or better than her father did (taking in account if the woman has a father or father figure in her life). I know I'm old fashioned in that way and I'm not against women holding high positions (please don't twist what I'm saying), but no matter how high our positions are I believe it's the man's job to provide for his family. I must say Sam is so wonderful at that. I literally don't worry about finances or meals etc. If there's a need in our house that needs to be met and he says he's going to handle it, I believe him, end of discussion.

After the shock of getting Nathan's diagnosis we of course starting looking at how much this is going to cost us. I remember when Sam checked online with our insurance company to see how much the bills were so far that the hospital had started submitting. He came and told me $100,000 and 20% would be our responsibility...mind you this was for one procedure. Of course I was very rattled but I remember us hugging in the kitchen and Sam said in his calm even matter, "don't worry about it." And to be honest with you I didn't after that.

You see I can add to this "P" in powerful, because not only is Sam a great Provider but he's also a man who Prays. When he said that he'd handle it I got comfort mainly because I know Sam is going to consult Christ for guidance. A few days later Sam came informed me that our deductible is $3700 per year, meaning that every year we're only responsible for up to $3700 per person in our household. Once the bills exceed $3700 then the insurance kicks in and covers 100%!!!!!

So did I mention too that P can also stand for Praise???? Because that's what me and Sam did after we heard that news!!!!!!!!

Observant: I keep getting compliments telling me how a mother knows her child and I appreciate that, it's a true statement, no denying that, but at times I get kind of upset at the lack of recognition our fathers get, especially fathers like Sam who are so involved in their children's lives. For those of you who don't know, Sam discovered Nathan's lump first. And it was Sam who made the initial appointment. Also it was Sam's observance of Nathan's eye not moving correctly that got us to this diagnosis. I've told people this and I'm going to repeat it. The third time Nathan was taken to the hospital, I truly believe that if Sam hadn't told the doctor to get in front of Nathan and make him follow him with his gaze I think we still would've been delayed in getting to the hospital. It was that action, taken by Sam that got this ball rolling. He's just as involved in our children's lives and I'm so thankful for him being so aware of what's going on.

Wise: Ok trying not to brag, but Sam is very wise to me. I'm not putting him on Solomon's level (though I bet they'd have a ton to talk about :-). I always like watch and listen to him handle business, such as paying bills or talking to the doctors and nurses. I know that sounds silly but he's very intelligent to me and the questions he ask are sometimes some I hadn't thought of. And he's very polite, never rude or nasty towards people but he still speaks with a certain authority that I just love (pretty sexy I might add).

Exceptional: Sam is one of those naturally intelligent people. You know one of those kind who just "gets it." While the rest of us has to study hard or never really figure out the method to studying at all he just gets it the first time or has such good study habits that it clicks faster than it does the rest of us. But I'll be honest having an exceptional person for a spouse can be kind of annoying at times lol he can explain the most difficult concept like it's very easy which tend to drive me nuts. But I must say this trait came in very handy in college. We both majored in Computer Information Systems and Sam was really good, getting A's in most of our computer classes and most classes called for us working in groups or with a partner. Sam was a sought out person in these classes cause he was known for catching on quick. I ALWAYS had him as a partner though because he was my boyfriend at the time!!!!

Rare: Sadly in this day and age a black man like him is extremely rare. A man who is faithful, who comes home after work and doesn't party on the weekends with his boys, a man who knows how to fix things (cars etc.). A man who has a good job, bringing stability into our home. A man who spends time with his children because he wants to. Oh and he can cook!!!!!

When I see so many horror stories about black men on TV I get angry. I know statistics don't lie but goodness there are some really good black men in this world who don't get enough credit. But looking at statistics I know he's rare but he's so wonderful.

Faithful: Sam and I have been married since 2002 and before that started dating in 1999 and throughout all of these years I've never once had to question his fidelity or wonder about it. Sam and I believe in praying for strength for each other in the area of faithfulness.

Besides being faithful in that area he's faithful in keeping his commitments. Since Nathan started his treatments we've told the nurses we'll do our part, such as keeping appointments and having Nathan's medicines etc. We're committed 100%.

Unique: I can't think of many people I can compare Sam to, he's definitely in a class of his own. One thing I like about our son Nathan is that I see a lot of Sam's traits in him. Nathan pays attention to detail and he's quiet as well. I like watching the two of them working side by side. I've never met a child quite like mine, I can't compare his personality to anyone at all other than his father. Nathan has a way about him that is a lot of fun, I'm happy when the doctors and nurses see it and I can proudly say "he's just like his father."

Loving: This brings me to the last letter in Powerful and it stands for "loving." Sam loves the Lord, he loves me and he loves our children. I was talking to a friend of mine recently and told her that Saturdays are my day to sleep in and this particular Saturday both children woke up at 7:30 am and Sam usually takes them in the basement so that I can sleep but that day decided to pack them up and ride to our nearest Hardees (which is about 45 minutes away). He just put them in the car in their PJ's and off they went. This is normal in my house and maybe I take it for granted because her reaction was "how many men would do that?" Sam does this kind of thing all the time. He truly loves spending time with Nathan and Peyton and I enjoy our time together.

Another day

Nathan had to get a blood transfusion today. It was his first. His blood count was a little low for radiation. As radiation is being done, the doctors want to keep his blood at a certain count. The more oxygen in the blood the better the radiation works, so a blood transfusion had to be done.

I was there with Nathan, Peyton is in Warren and Sam's hard at work. Of course I had to sit down with the doctors and hear all of the risks involved and sign a consent form. I then sent up a few quick prayers and the blood transfusion started. I'm extremely thankful that Nathan didn't have a reaction to the blood he received (so far at least). During the transfusion they really wanted Nathan to be pretty still and honestly Nathan did pretty good. The transfusion lasted 2 hours and although we couldn't convince him to lay in the bed for more than 5 minutes, he did stick to one play area on the floor for the majority of the time.

His radiation has been moving along too, so far I haven't noticed any redness on him or anything, but the doctors said that the side effects are definitely coming. His doctor told me point blank that he's going to make our child very cranky and irritable over the next month. He said we can expect Nathan's skin to get red and sore and because the tumor is so close to his throat, eventually it's going to hurt to swallow.

Nathan had two nosebleeds this weekend on the side of the tumor. Thankfully they were minor and the doctor said there's nothing to worry about as long as they stopped within 5 - 10 minutes of starting. He also has to get a shot in his leg every night, Sam and I have to give it, one of us usually holds him while the other administers the shot. He's been taking it pretty well but on Saturday he went crazy. He was trembling pretty bad and crying and it was extremely hard to give it to him. It took us over an hour and both of our hearts hurt over it. We didn't want it to be a punishment so we didn't discipline. We explained we had to give it but we were patient. He's never reacted this way to it, he was literally terrified and we don't see terror that often in Nathan so we were really patient with him. He had the same reaction to it on Sunday. Right after the shot he's fine but trying to get it is a headache. On the days he has radiation we can give it to him while he's sedated but on the days he doesn't then we have to give it to him ourselves.

The team of doctors is huge at University Hospitals and they're all so great. One approached me today to see how Nathan has been doing at home. She then told me she understands what we're going through because her 20 month old daughter has to be sedated a lot as well. I didn't pry because she was really trying to comfort me at the time and though she mentioned her situation I got a sense she only brought it up to let me know she can relate but not to discuss it necessarily but I did ask her how she was doing. The fact that she has a 20 month old that is going through sedation stuck out to me. I'm learning that children aren't sedated all the time unless there's an issue. I have no clue what her situation is but judging by the way she spoke she understands our plight on a personal level. You never know what people are going through. Here this lady is working on our son and her baby is going through a situation too.

And I want to share something else with you. When the actual Rhabdomyosarcoma diagnosis came back we were told by the doctors that there was a 65% survival rate involved with this cancer I remember crying after the doctor told us that but Sam didn't. And after the doctors left Sam was pumped. You see when the doctors told us that I heard, even though he didn't state it, that 25% don't survive, but Sam only heard that 65% do and I remember him relying on that information alone that day and he was actually happy about it. The fact of the matter is some people do survive cancer. I love our main nurse practitioner, not only is she very positive but she's been doing her job for over 25 years. I'm sure she's seen her share of losses but she's not shy about telling me about the success stories she's witnessed. Every nurse in the ICC (Ireland Cancer Center) have been there doing this for over 25 years and oh the stories they can tell. I still don't know what Nathan's situation is going to be but we have so much hope.

God Bless