Lord Thank You for Days Like Today

We had a wonderful Memorial Day with our family! Sam's siblings and their families were in town and I always enjoy watching Nathan and Peyton with their cousins. They've been really blessed with some wonderful cousins who really seem to love and look out for each other so it's always a joy to have them around! It was the first family gathering Nathan has had since he's been sick. When I heard everyone was coming into town I really wanted to see them and wanted Nathan and Peyton around so I talked to his doctors to make sure this would be alright. By now I know the rules of course and our family knows them all too but I still wanted to get the doctors opinion and ok. Cancer has changed our whole lives and it's so rare he gets to be around people that I so look forward to days like today. In a lot of ways Nathan's personality has changed, he's a lot more hesitant then he was in the past, however, when around family I always see the "old Nathan" surface, so when he can be around them it's a good thing. I even saw him laughing hysterically today at his cousins playing in the sprinkler, something that hasn't happened in awhile, that alone helped start this week off good.

It was so wonderful to watch him laugh. I took video of him and Peyton and their cousins that I keep watching over and over. I just so appreciate these days where memories are made. Sadly no one in our family is really having a good year so far, so days like these where we can be together and be silly and carefree are so important and precious to me.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for today. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for my nieces and nephews who bring so much joy and laughter. Thank you for my brother-in-laws and sister-in-laws and Sam's parents. Thank you that we were all able to be together today. Lord I pray for safe travel for all of them. Sam's brother and his family are on the road as I type. Please put a hedge around their vehicle and get them home safe and sound. Let them find everything as they left it. Lord you know what they're up against right now, please let everything work out for them Lord in their favor.

Lord I pray for Sam's sister and her family as they're about to travel back to NC in the morning. Please Father put a hedge around them as well and get them home safely. Lord please help them. This year just really stinks and I so want all of us to be able to welcome 2011 with everything behind us. If anything let this year be a testimony as to how you brought our family through some difficult times.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Good News

Dear Lord,

You never cease to amaze me!!! You told me not to worry, you said you'd take care of us. Lord thank you so very much, even though the big part of Nathan's tumor haven't shrunk, I came in and found out today a lot of the cells have died. Dear Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't thank you enough. It's big but a lot of it is dead, Father I just thank you.

I keep saying I don't know which direction this cancer is going to go but for right now it's dying. Lord thank you for hearing our prayers. Thank you so very much, words can't express what I'm feeling right now! I'm so thankful Lord. Thank you, Lord thank you so much.

We have a PET scan coming up in June that will show what percentage of the tumor is dead. Lord please continue to kill this tumor! Please Lord we want Nathan to be cancer free so badly. Please remove it and I pray that it, nor any other cancers return.

But oh Lord please let us learn and grow as a family as we continue to go through this valley.

Lord thank you so much for remembering my son, we don't deserve such good news anymore than anyone else, thank you for blessing him with such positive results. Lord please continue to blanket him with your comfort and protection.

And Lord please forgive me. I get disappointed so easily and I was highly disappointed when I found out the big part of his tumor was still there. Lord I need to quit worrying and step back and let you handle your business. You know what you're doing. You see the big picture. Help me not to panic at the least little thing.

Dear Lord thank you so very much.

In Jesus Name, that wonderful name.

Amen
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A little bit of humor part 2

Target
So a little while ago my cousin sent me a Target gift card for $25. It may have been for the entire family, however, since the envelope only had my name on it, I selfishly decided to spend it on myself. Before you judge me, let me say that usually everything in my shopping cart belongs to my children so by hording that $25 I was by no means taking anything away from them. Now the funny part was how much planning went into spending this $25 gift card. I seriously planned out every penny of it, of course Sam and I have money in the bank but usually we spend it on household stuff, very rarely do we splurge even $25 on ourselves. So for some reason the fact that this $25 was a gift and was mine was very exciting to me and I had a great time spending it. I ended up buying the movie 'Brothers' I have $4 left over from it which I have yet to spend!

*DISCLAIMER - the above information was by no means soliciting more target gift cards btw lol!!!

Peyton
Now Peyton had been sleeping in her crib. To set the scene, Peyt's crib was similar to the one below in that it had the dresser attached on the side. Next to the side with the dresser was a rocking chair. Well Nathan has known for awhile how to get up onto the rocking chair and climb into Peyton's crib but Peyt has been too little.

So a week ago I was home alone with the children and in my room doing my hair as they played in Nathan's room (or so I thought). I started hearing jumping on the bed and I figured they were jumping on Nathan's bed so I yelled at them to stop but the jumping continued. When I went into the hall I saw them both in Peyton's crib.... I was baffled! Did I put her in there at some point?

So I grabbed Peyton and placed her on the floor and told her to get into her crib. She hesitated for a moment and then scurried up onto the rocking chair and balanced herself on the arm of the chair (yes it looked as scary as it sounds) and pulled herself up and over into her crib. So I immediately put a call into the hubby to let him know that Nathan gets a twin bed today and Peyt gets the toddler bed! And by bedtime that night, Nathan was in a twin bed (which happens to be my childhood daybed that's solid wood and in great shape!) And Peyt inherited the toddler bed. Both did fantastic with the transition!Fence
We finally fenced our yard and I love it. We got the tallest fence we could and we paid extra to make sure there wouldn't be any gaps in between the wood so it's really private, I wish we would've done it a long time ago, don't get me wrong I love my neighbors to death but it's nice to have the privacy too. I have to remember though that our houses are two stories and the homes closest can still see over the top into our yard. I've been having so much fun outside with the kids that I forget I must look crazy running to anyone else who may see me lol.

IV
So Nathan is now a pro with maneuvering his IV around the hospital but the cute part is how serious he is about it. He even shows me how to position it. He knows to unplug it and wrap the cord to take it with us when we walk and to push the nurses button when it beeps.

Anyway we were sitting in his hospital room when Nathan heard something on TV beep and mistook it for his IV and pushed the nurses call button. So there's a cancel button in case you accidentally push it, the problem is it's right next to the Emergency button.

So when I went to cancel Nathan's call I found out that if you press the emergency button they don't announce anything, they just come running. I truly never saw a group of doctors run in so fast! I was just standing there clueless and then realizing what I'd pushed I was extremely embarrassed. Although now I know that if I ever need to push that button for real, there will be an immediate response and that's comforting.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the good times in the midst of the storm. It always feels so good to laugh and you still continue to provide joy even through our tears and we thank you for that.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Running From Chemo

It's sad but now I look at this poor mom and I so empathize with her. I'd heard this when it first happened, back when life was normal for us and truthfully I can't remember what I thought or if I put any thought into it at the time. Now when Sam and I watch this we can relate on so many different levels. The part where she discusses how she was being pushed into so much so fast really hit home with Sam and me because things moved so fast with Nathan as well. His first week in the hospital was full of quick decisions that had to be made and it was so hard because we'd never dealt with cancer and a ton was thrown our way in a short amount of time. My heart and prayers go out to this family. I know they're looked down upon by most but privately Sam and I have also had conversations on if we'd ever have to say "enough, no more for Nathan." Right now we're moving forward with the chemo but I do agree that the side effects are heavy. I'm so happy this little boy is cancer free now!!!! Pray for his father, it's a catch 22 if you ask me, if he doesn't get chemo the odds are possibly against him, yet even if he goes ahead with the chemo the doctors can't guarantee much of anything. Cancer sucks.

Hope

I heard a very good sermon tonight on Moody radio by James MacDonald from Walk in the Word, it was called "Why Trials" and it was just what I needed to hear tonight. In the sermon Pastor MacDonald asked a few questions and one stood out to me and it was "Do you still believe that God is good no matter what?" Truthfully I've never heard anyone ask that. Most people just spout the whole "God is good" and then the congregation answers "all the time." Pastor MacDonald has dealt with Prostate cancer himself as well as a prodigal daughter so he knows what suffering is, so I perked up at his sermon tonight.

I think I mentioned in earlier post how hard it is to find comfort at times. Not knowing the outcome of this is hard, even receiving the results from the first set of scans was hard. I believe in miracles and I know that God could make this cancer go away in an instant but for now He's chosen not to perform an instant miracle and sometimes as a christian that's hard to take. At least for me it is. I got saved at 23 and for the first time my faith is really being tested.

I've been transitioning so much lately, I said before that the pain of having such a sick child doesn't go away but Sam and I have learned how to cope. The night of the results we stayed up late talking and I had to ask Sam what if Nathan doesn't make it, unfortunately it's a topic that's come up a few times since January. I've had people tell me to keep believing he's going to be healed. Truthfully that doesn't make me feel any better because it's not up to me or the doctors anyway. I don't want to put a lot of hope into a situation. Let me clarify, I'm not giving up, and I want Nathan healed more than anyone, but it's a situation that can go either way.

So back to Pastor MacDonald's question, do I believe God is good even in this trial? Actually when I think and ponder it, I do. I really do. And the reason I won't put a lot of hope on the situation is because it's not guaranteed, so I choose to put my hope in Christ alone. I know that He's good. I know that He's in control. When I look at the situation sometimes it truly seems hopeless. When I look at how much Nathan has changed sometimes it feels hopeless. But when I look at who God is and what He's done in the past I have hope again. And that hope is that no matter what happens in the end, God is good and everything is going to work out for His good.

Pastor MacDonald gave several verses but one stuck out to me

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

You see I love the Lord. I can't express that enough to whoever reads this. I have a hope that is hard to describe at times. I hurt a lot and at times I get really angry at God, especially for allowing this to happen but I can never deny the fact that I trust Him or deny that I take comfort knowing He's commanding this ship. I don't know how God is going to use this situation in our lives or other peoples lives, but I do know that He's forever good and forever in control and that our hope will remain in him.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much, I just want to thank you so very much. I don't know much but I know you're real. I'm so thankful to be your child. I'm just thankful to know you, to be able to call you Lord. And I don't know what you're doing in this situation, but I know your glory will be shown no matter what.

Lord give Nathan strength. Lord keep him from being afraid. Lord I want you to heal him, I want him to grow old and testify on how you brought him out, but more importantly I'm now praying for your will to be done and for Sam and I to trust you even if it's against what we want.

Lord I pray that someone comes to know you in this situation. If you're using this to ultimately lead people to you, then so be it. I pray that despite everything going on that someone who doesn't know you come to know you.

Storms are going to come whether they're saved or not, but Oh Lord I can testify what it's like to know you in the midst of the storm. Lord I can say how I wouldn't be able to cope if it wasn't for you in my life. Lord I can say you give hope where there isn't any hope. You provide joy where there isn't any joy. You carry us when we don't feel like walking. You're there to listen when everyone else is asleep.

Lord you're real. I pray that people come to know you as their Lord and Savior. I pray that your light shines through this difficult situation. If only one person comes to you through this then it'll be worth it.

Lord let your light shine and your will be done and give us wisdom allowing us to accept it. Even though we don't always agree with it, let us accept it and when we feel down or angry remind us that you're here and you care. We may not see it now but we will one day.

We have hope in you and one day we will see you face to face and if all of this isn't made clear to us while on earth it will be made clear to us then.

Thank you for the time we all have with each other. Lord so many people are looking at Nathan's situation and we're all praying and hoping that he lives but truthfully the next five minutes isn't promised to ANYONE. We're no more guaranteed tomorrow then a sick child like Nathan. Please Father if you use this situation in any way, let it be to draw people closer to you.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Scan Results

Forgive me for being so lazy about posting lately. I wanted to share Nathan's scan results and it's getting late now so I'm going to copy and paste what I wrote a friend of mine regarding his results (I hope you don't mind!). I'll elaborate more late but for now I just wanted to put something out here.

Nathan got his scans on Monday, thankfully the cancer still hasn't spread anywhere else. The tumor in his head is huge, it stretches from his behind his eye (though not in his eye), in his brain cavity (though not in his brain) all the way down into his throat. The part in his throat and behind the ear has shrunk a significant amount which we're happy about, but the part of the tumor that's more in his head closest to his brain remains the same size which I'm not happy about. They said it's good though that it hasn't grown and the fact it hasn't grown is proof that the treatment is starting to work. We haven't seen pictures of the scans yet they just called us with the results, we'll get those next week and we can compare those to when he was first diagnosed in January to get a better idea of the difference. Already his left eye is moving better (it used to just stare straight ahead because the tumor was resting on the nerve that controlled movement) and behind his ear there was an obvious lump that we could see but don't see anymore. He still has a long way to go with the chemo, they do it in cycles and he completed his first cycle and will be starting the second cycle on the 27th. The surgeons still won't touch it because of it's location so we're just praying that he continues to respond to his chemo as we move forward.

Happy Birthday Peyton

My little girl is 2 today!!!!!! I just love her so very much and I'm so proud of her. She never ceases to amaze me.

I had such a great time celebrating with her today! I took her to Toys R Us and told her to pick out whatever she wanted (and truthfully I meant it, I was prepared to spend whatever amount on her), she picked a ball that cost $1.99. We stayed in the store for awhile and combed every inch and she walked around with that ball, holding it really tight. She'd put it down to play with stiuff on the shelf but quickly picked it up when we moved. So we got the ball and I took the liberty of throwing in a few extras:-)

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for my precious Peyton! I don't know what I'd do without her. May you continue to protect her as she grows! Thank you for her birthday and for allowing her to be 2 years old! She's such a wonderful gift from you and she brightens this house! I love her so very much and I'm just glad you chose me to be her mother!

In Jesus Name
Amen

Time

Being in a hospital so much is weird. It's become like our second home. Nathan has a routine at the hospital, just like he has at home. We get there and put our clothes in our little closet (lately he's been getting his own room), he still has to nap, he has the same bedtime etc. And it's a very familiar place to him now. He knows where the playroom is and he usually likes to go there to retrieve his favorite toy and paint and play with the other children, he knows where the milk is and the microwave and where we go to get linens, it's become a second home to him. And the people have become our family.

He knows all of his RNs and LPNs, child life specialist, and the people who clean his room are his friends, the doctors are probably like Aunts and Uncles to him. He truly lights up when he sees them. And I have to admit that as much as I hate cancer I truly am thankful for the people who've crossed our paths.

Because of their low immune systems, the childhood cancer floor is behind closed doors and you have to be buzzed in and you have to wash your hands and if you're sick you cannot visit. I've gone through those doors quite a few times now and I've grown more confident over the last few weeks. I no longer just hang in Nathan's room, but I now go out and mingle a bit with other parents and I've met some truly amazing people.

Another little boy named Dylan is in remission for the third time. He's 10 years old and was first diagnosed at 15 months and his Dad always greets us with a smile and lets us know it gets better. Dylan took Nathan under his wing when he was there and showed Nathan how to operate the older, cooler toys in the playroom! Oh and he made sure we knew the make a wish foundation was building a pool for him last week :-)

Right next to Nathan was a little Amish girl who's been in the hospital for a long time. Her parents are wonderful people who love the Lord and remind us that God can heal if He so chooses and we encourage each other to hang in there.

I got to go on a spa day with three wonderful mothers, we spent the whole day together swapping stories. All of us completely different though united in the fight to save our children. One mother let me know she has comfort in the fact that if her child were to die she knows she'll be in heaven with our Savior. Such faith.

I've wondered over the last few months why some children get such serious chronic illnesses. I've wondered why some parents have to deal with watching their children so sick. And when I meet these parents and see the strength they have, the amazing courage, the ability to still laugh even in the midst of heartache and to be able to see such good, even in such hard times it truly speaks to me. I know I'm going through this too, but I stand in awe when I see my peers and I draw so much from them.

Having a sick child is a hard weight to carry around. Statistics mean very little because each individual is different. I'd been told that with Nathan's situation if his cancer comes back a second time after he's in remission then his chances of survival aren't good. But remember Dylan up above? Well he's survived Rhabdomyosarcoma twice...I've learned God doesn't go by the world's statistics.

I can honestly say I haven't spent a lot of time worrying lately. In the past worry hasn't gotten me very far. Even when Nathan was hospitalized with a fever a week ago I didn't spend much time worrying. I think worry has exhausted me for now and I have no room for frustration at this time either, I'm sure they'll peek their heads back in soon enough but for now they're locked out. My perspective on things is ever changing and I've just been enjoying Sam, Nathan and Peyton and the time we have together now. I see my children in a way I didn't before cancer. Things I thought were important aren't, I have much more time for them then I ever had before. We paint and get downright messy, we roll on the floor being silly, we cuddle in the morning eating breakfast in bed while watching PBS kids and I truly love it.

Believe it or not, some parts of life are simpler then they were (I should put strong emphasis on SOME). I don't panic over spilled milk or a broken toy or ripped shirt. I try to keep a spotless house but I'll sacrifice doing dishes to go for a walk with Nathan and Peyton. I'm not always so angry when I have to go tend to Nathan or Peyton at night, I would like to sleep but I'm very thankful to still have them in their rooms, able to cry and wake me up. Things I used to put first take a backseat, quality time has been maximized and perspectives have been changed.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for the people you've placed in our lives. Thank you for the amount of time we have together as a family. I get so much one on one time with Nathan in the hospital and in the past I've been so angry being there that I didn't realize what a great opportunity it is for quality time. Thank you for the amount of time I've been having with both Nathan and Peyton at home, just sitting on the floor putting together puzzles!

And Lord I lift up the other little children in prayer, Victoria, Riley, Julian, Dylan, Holly, Benjamin, Zach and there are others, who's names I can't recall. Lord you love them more then we ever could. You know every hurt they feel and you're right there when they're going through what they're going through. Lord be with these babies. Please heal them. Continue to strengthen their parents. Lord when it feels like they can't go on, please carry them. Give them all peace that passes all understanding. And I pray for salvation, Lord for those of them who don't know you.

Please continue to strengthen all of our families, keep our marriages strong, give us wisdom when it comes to decision making.

And Lord thank you so much for the times of laughter that we have. Thank you for the time we all have together with our families right now.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Quick Updates

Hi! Here's more quick updates! Nathan's first set of scans have been scheduled for Monday, May 17th. He's getting a CT Scan, a MRI, and a chest scan to see how this tumor is responding to all of his treatment. We won't get the results until the 18th or 19th. I'm so excited to see how the cancer has responded, just looking at him it's really obvious the tumor has shrunk but we do know it was bigger than what we could see anyhow so it'll be interesting to see what's going on.

Nathan had chemo on Thursday and he did fantastic, he was actually in a pretty good mood the entire time and had a TON of energy. He'd been hospitalized the week before with a fever and he was given another blood transfusion before he was released and since he'd gone two weeks without chemo due to horrible mouth sores, his blood counts were excellent. The doctors even said they were probably better than ours and it showed, he had so much energy and so far he's still been feeling pretty good. We walked around the block twice yesterday in the morning and he didn't seem tired at all and it felt great to be outside enjoying the sunshine! Oh and remember how I said we have to administer a shot in his leg. Well now it doesn't take two of us to do it. Nathan just hops right up on a chair and takes it like a pro!

Little Miss Peyton is also doing very well! She got to spend a week with Grandma and Granddaddy while Nathan was in the hospital and she went to the park and had a great time. Her new thing is asking where we're going when we're leaving. I wish I could write it the way she says it because it's the cutest thing. The first time she asked it she was sitting in her carseat and it just caught me off guard and I was wondering "did she really just say that?" Now she says it all the time and I haven't gotten tired of it yet;-)

Spa Day

CLEVELAND - You could tell it was a place for relaxation. The water bubbled softly. There air was aromatic, smelling of perfumes and lotions. There were soft giggles as four women were pampered with cosmetics and fragrances.

There is nothing like a day at the spa. Especially if you can be limousined there and back home, too. That was the scene at the John Robert's Spa in Mayfield Heights as four specially-selected women received the spa treatment.

The women are mothers of seriously-ill children who are in the care of Rainbow Babies and Children's Hospital in Cleveland. This marks the eleventh year John Robert's Spa has selected several women for the free makeover.

"It has been challenging for my husband and my daughter," said Samantha Kotora. "I have a newborn also, so it has been challenging, but today has been very special," she added while in the middle of a pedicure.

The women also received shampoos and haircuts. There also were massages. When their bodies were not rubbed or painted, the women, relaxing in terry cloth robes, ate lunch brought in by the spa.

"I don't think that they can know the inmpact of doing this for a mom who's going through what we're going through," said Latoya Murray. "It makes for a very happy Mother's Day."

Throughout the spa the women giggled and chatted among themselves. They shared stories about their sick children and drew both comfort and strength from each other.

Each woman talked about the stress of raising children who are seriously ill and the need for mother's to be able to get away for a few minutes and have themselves pampered.

"Oh, this feels good; this feels sooooo good," said Samantha Kotora," as she was in a shampoo. The hairstylist massaged her scalp and ran the warm water through Samantha's hair. Samantha giggled.

It was a special Mother's Day present for several women who know the importance of motherhood. And who also know its demands, which, at times, can be stressful.

Taken from newsnet5.com

Very Quick

Nathan was admitted to the hospital late Thursday with a fever. The fever is gone and he had to have a blood transfusion but as of yesterday he still couldn't keep liquids down. Prayfully today he'll be able to go home as long as he can hold liquids down.


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