So I told myself this past week that as long as Nathan is alive, he's going to live. The cancer has robbed him of so much but I promise that I'm going to make sure he has fun as often as possible. This past Wednesday I decided to take him to the zoo. He was so happy to be out. He wasn't feeling too well because of the radiation so he didn't walk much but it was still good to be out and since the zoo is so big and open it was easy to avoid crowds.
I heard a great program on Focus on the Family. It was actually an old broadcast dealing with childhoold cancer and I found it online and ordered it. One of the ladies lost her son when he was 8, he'd been dealing with cancer since he was 18 months old. She said something that struck me, she said that through it all she made sure that her son lived. If he was well enough to go somewhere then they went. She made sure that despite the pain, his life was still filled with good times.
Sam and I had a long talk on Thursday and we both feel we're on borrowed time now. Not saying we have a sense about what's going to happen truthfully we have no idea which is the hardest part about dealing with cancer. Some days are really great and we're so hopeful and others make us wonder what's going to happen. I don't get caught up with statistics at all anymore and I barely read about cancer and I have no desire to learn more about Rhabdomyosarcoma, it may not make sense to you but I learned all I really want to know about this disease anything else hasn't been of much benefit, if we start to question Nathan's treatment then i'll of course reasearch.
Truthfully I feel the outcome is specific to each individual, people do survive cancer and they survive the worst of cancers too. I've read about people who were told to go home and plan a funeral only to have the person recover and live long lives. So statistics mean nothing to me. Nathan and the rest of our family have life in us now so that's what we're focusing on.
I'm looking for a bigger stroller for Nathan, I've been blessed with an extremely tall child and his feet can touch the ground in most strollers and he's so long that his head hangs over the top and he gets too tired to walk when we're out so I'm going to get him the biggest stroller I can find so he can relax but still enjoy being out this summer. We're also fencing the yard and creating a mini playground in the back for him and Peyt. I'm also searching for more places for him that aren't confined or crowded but enjoyable for him and Peyt. I just got this new determination to enjoy life with him, Peyt, and Sam. As long as we're alive we're going to live.
Dear Lord,
Seriously we've all been kind of down lately. Nathan just completed radiation and Sam and I should be so happy about that but it's left us with an open wound. Please heal the wound, leave the scar to remind us of where you brought Nathan but please help heal the wounds. Nathan has gone through so much physical pain. Lord strengthen us once again. I know one day this will be a distant memory but it's hard to see past the present right now. We're sick of being on an emotional roller coaster. Lord I want Nathan to live but truthfully I'm concerned about him being in such physical pain. Lord I just ask that if you're going to continue to put him through pain that you'll let him be one of the survivors let it be worth something. Please let him grow old, please don't rob Peyton of her brother or Sam and I of a son. Lord let him stay here, allow him more time, allow him to outlive me. Lord I know who you are and I know you can do this. You alone control every breath we take. All you have to do is speak and things will be as you say. There is none like you and no one greater than you. Lord gives us peace and help us to accept your will for Nathan no matter what that is. You watched your only son suffer, you know what this feels like. Lord I can't add a single hour to Nathan's life by worrying, help us to have peace once again.
In Jesus name
Amen
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