The problem is that the days are so unpredictable. One day Nathan's feeling great and then the next he's sick again. Nothing can be planned, really. I can say I'll meet someone somewhere and then wake up the next morning to a sick child and I just can't.
I have a wonderful little girl who'll be two next month and I have to remember to get her away daily for one on one time. Her vocabulary is exploding and it's really fun to talk to her and she brings me a ton of joy. In all of the sadness it's hard to find time to laugh and just have fun, but there's a ton of laughter when we're together. I truly feel that cancer has robbed Sam and me of just being able to enjoy our children, but we try hard to make all of our time together enjoyable.
A date night for Sam and me isn't in the near future. Nathan isn't verbal so we can't really leave him. It's too touch and go, we don't know the effect the radiation has had on his throat but he doesn't have a voice at all, he's forever congested and if you don't understand his gestures it can be a huge problem because if he's sick and need medical attention, you'll have to understand him to be able to help him. I know a time will come when he can be left for a little while in someone's care but now isn't the time.
Cancer just stinks. It's like a nightmare, we want to escape it so bad but it's always in our face. There's days when he's laughing and just so happy and it gives us so much hope and you go to sleep happy, then at 4:00 am he wakes up crying inconsolable and then is back sick again for several days. He doesn't seem to be at peace himself and though we're honest with him we don't discuss all the nitty gritty details with him. His hospital stay is coming up and he got really sick from the chemo the last time and since he's not well again, I'm guessing he'll get sick again.
I saw on the news that scientist are coming out with new ideas on how to cure cancer. Of course these ideas have to go through so much before they become approved and it's frustrating to watch because I want them implemented now. If they're that good, then I want them implemented as soon as possible so Nathan can benefit from them.
I've been staying up late again because my mind is just so full. It's weird because it's not that I can't sleep, if I chose to I could go to bed at 10 and sleep all night. But then all of my dreams lately center around hospital related stuff. They're not really morbid or anything but I'm still sick of them, so I just choose to stay up. I read Psalms every night before bed and Sam and I pray together and then I pull out my phone and watch happy movies until my eyes close on their own.
I'm just so sick of seeing Nathan so sick. I'm frustrated that I can't alleviate his pain. I do feel angry at times still(this is one of those times if you can't tell) and I take it to God. I just want Nathan's pain to stop. I want this year to end already. I want Nathan to be well and happy. We all feel robbed! I so wanted to be a mother and enjoy motherhood and I don't understand why God allowed this to happen and more important why did it have to happen to Nathan and not me.
Sam cut Nathan's hair for the last time in February, it was starting to come out so we decided to cut it instead of watching it fall out. And we saved it, I truthfully forgot to save his baby hair from his first haircut but we did save his hair in February and I came across the bag of hair today and I just pulled it out and held it in my hand. It's was so thick, I just can't believe the majority of it is gone and won't be back for a long time, it just made me sad I guess.
Nathan was also diagnosed with having Apraxia which is another big problem, though not as big as cancer. I debated whether I was going to talk about the Apraxia on this blog, truthfully I don't feel like discussing it in conversation right now, but it's not a fun diagnosis either, though after already having a cancer diagnosis we took this diagnosis pretty well.
It's a lot going on in this household and I truthfully don't look forward to a lot anymore. I just want to hear cancer free, that's all I'm waiting to hear is cancer free and pray that one day Nathan himself will be able to stand in front of you and give a powerful testimony as to what God can do. I pray that he'll speak eloquently when that day comes. I draw a lot of encouragement from Exodus 4:10-11, remember when God spoke to Moses and Moses said to Him:
"...O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.
And God replied11 ..."Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ?
Well I'm going to go start my night routine, it felt really good to write tonight. I know this post was kind of all over the place, I just kinda wrote my thoughts as they are in my head right now.
God Bless
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