I've Decided to Continue

I almost stopped blogging. I got really hurtful feedback on how I've been blogging and writing on facebook that literally almost made me stop.

Having to deal with cancer is one of the hardest things Sam and I have ever had to face and the person who gave me the feedback even questioned why I'd put my every thought out here for everyone to read. I've been told it's abrasive and no one knows how to deal with me. And truthfully after hearing that I almost stopped altogether. I prayed on it hard. I shut down my facebook account and I truly contemplated closing this blog as well. But I decided to pray on that before making a decision.

When I first started this blog my intention was only to talk about the good days. The days where Nathan was feeling good and Sam and I were in good spirits but then I decided that sugarcoating cancer isn't what I wanted to do. This blog isn't meant to insult anyone. I wish I could smile through this entire journey but I can't. Many families have come before me and dealt with childhood cancer and many will come after me.

I love the book of Psalms. If you read it you'll see the Psalmist crying out to God in ways that may seem unholy to some today. Some of the Psalmist even questioned where God was and why He was hiding from them. The Psalms are also full of praise and worship and it has become one of my favorite books of the Bible as I'm going through this with Nathan.

If you haven't been through what I'm going through or something similar then I don't expect you to know what I'm feeling, that would be dumb of me. This blog was created to tell you. Sam and I truly feel like we're in a nightmare and the hurt is beyond what we can describe. We definitely have good days and we have bad. To see our son whom we love so very much suffer is very very difficult and I do struggle. I've been told by the same person I should start thinking about others when I write. The point of this blog is to share not only Nathan's cancer story but to show everything that comes along with it. I want it to be real and it's for the people who'll come after Sam and I. It's for the next family who'll have a child diagnosed with cancer. I know the emotions that come with it. I know how it feels as a Christian to have my faith rattled and I want this out there for them when they start feeling this way, I want them to know that someone else felt that way to and they're not alone. Hopefully by that time we'll be where we can testify and they can read the journey, how raw and difficult it is, the ups and the downs and then get the conclusion at the end as to how God brought us out. Ever read the poem footprints, well for us it's like that, we know God is in the midst but at times it's just hard to feel His presence and if any other Christians ever feel this way they're not alone. Not only that but this blog is an outlet for me, when I'm feeling down, I write, I always have kept journals, but I decided to make this one public.

For those of you reading this who are going through something similar and for those of you who will be, I want you to know that it's ok to feel hurt. It's ok to cry, it's ok to be angry but try not to sin in that anger, and it's ok to cry out to God and above all tell Him exactly how you feel. When the emotions come upon you, tell Him.

For those of you watching someone go through a situation like this maybe this blog will give you insight on how to deal with them. When a person is told that their child has cancer it stops everything. The doctors tell you what the plan is, but even they can't tell you the outcome. It's not like having a cold and the doctor says: "take this and it should clear up in a few days." A parents love is usually deep for their children. Sam and I would give our lives in a heartbeat if it meant saving our children. It's a very hard thing to swallow, in an instant that parents life is turned upside down. There are times of laughter of course, but then there are other times where you literally feel like you're on the brink of depression. Then the treatments start and all the medications. All of the medical professionals are wonderful because even though they see cancer everyday, they're quick to tell you they don't have a clue how it'll feel going through it as a parent and the treatment you get at the hospital is top notch. But understand, if you can, how hard it is to get the diagnosis and then have to retell it over and over to family members and friends as they find out and want to know. We as parents know the intentions are good but still it's VERY hard for a parent to keep repeating the diagnosis over and over. Granted in a hospital situation they have to and you can do it. But outside the hospital it's harder because when you're dealing with the general public, they have no idea the emotions that go along with dealing with a child with cancer. Please try to be considerate of that parent. They may not want to repeat "what happened" over and over and they may not want to talk about the survival rate. We know that God is able, but we also know that truthfully our son could die and the reality of that is HARD to hear once and even harder to say over and over again.

What can you do? If anything just listen to what they have to say and let the parent give the amount of information they want to give and always, ALWAYS be willing to pray with that parent. Many people feel they have to offer something, then offer them prayer, or a shoulder to cry on, offer them laughter if the situation is appropriate for it. Offer them love, I remember a friend of ours called and just left a message on the machine saying nothing else but "I Love You." Don't get mad at them or take it personal if they go through a period where they don't return your calls right away. It's good to offer help but don't get mad if the person doesn't know what they want or need, truly it's a time when it's just hard to think straight, if you can cook then it's ok to drop off dinner or if you have something special God laid on your heart to do for them then do it. Send a card if you want but if you do anything just pray, pray and keep praying. Most parents are so caught up in what's going on with their kids they're not sitting around thinking "I'm mad that this person isn't calling etc." Truthfully all we want to hear is that our child is cancer free and we want the suffering to stop. Try to be patient with that person, when it seems they're hard to deal with and maybe they are but instead of getting angry with them why not pray for them. It could be a sign that they're hurting and it's definitely not a time to cut them down. Remember you're not there with them every night when they're waking up sometimes 4 times a night to deal with a sick child and this isn't just two weeks for a cold or a flu but EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for different lengths of time, you're not there when they have to rush that child to the ER at midnight, you're not there to see the side effects from the 14 medications that they're on, you're not there to see their little bodies left severely burned from radiation...I could go on and on...just realize you're not there, you don't see it. Be patient with them and if you have nothing positive to offer it's always ok to just say nothing.

Now in saying all of this I'm not saying constructive criticism may not be needed at times but I remember when I first visited the church where Sam and I are now members and our Pastor was preaching a sermon I'll never forget and it was called "Confronting in Love." It had me on the edge of my seat. If you're going to confront that person, please check your motive first. Pray about how you're going to confront them, because please remember they're hurting and the hurt is pretty much around the clock, they have up times of course but the hurt doesn't go away. So pray before you lash out. Ask God for guidance in what to say and also make sure you're close to that person and not just an associate. Maybe call and ask how their child or love one that's sick is doing before you confront see if you can help them in anyway. Sometimes what you may mistake as weirdness is really just hurt.

So the blogging is going to continue, I love my son and family so very much and I do want to share with you. I'm praying that in the end you get to celebrate with me Nathan's being cancer free and even if God takes Him I pray that in my writing you'll see God's hand in the midst and truthfully this account is going to help me. When I'm looking at the one set of footprints now I feel they're my own I can't wait to be able to look back realizing they were God's all along carrying our precious Nathan through this difficult journey. God Bless