He Still Has a Chance

So Nathan couldn't get chemo this week. He was supposed to spend the night in the hospital but he had a mouth full of sores (which is a side affect from all of this medication). So his doctor didn't want him to have his chemo because one of the chemo drugs will make his existing mouth sores worse and more will come. So they want to give him several days so his mouth sores can heal. So he basically got a week off and because his blood counts were good the doctors gave the go ahead for him to participate in activities today so we decided to stop in at his old playgroup.

Now Nathan hasn't been to his playgroup in a long time. I'd talked to one of the grandmothers, who goes with her granddaughters, in February so the entire playgroup was already aware of Nathan's cancer. Nathan was so happy when we got in the parking lot and he walked in smiling, but when we got in the room he was a little hesitant to join the other children. In the past he would run straight to the group and start playing, but today he just kind of hung in the middle of the room staring, they'd rearranged the room so part of his apprehension could have been because everything looked different. One of the coordinators immediately grabbed his hand and took him over to the kitchen area to play and his hesitancy wore off really quick. It was so nice, he got to play with the water table (it had oatmeal in it the last time we were there) and he played in the kitchen area and just had a great time and didn't fuss when playtime was over.

One mom came up to me, Nathan and her son Mateo played together a lot when we used to come regularly, and she gave me a huge hug and asked how Sam and I were doing. She then gave me her home phone number and told me to call her and feel free to drop off Peyton if we ever needed a sitter and she stressed that she meant it and wasn't just talking. She then shared with me about a friend who's daughter is a cancer survivor and then she told me that she lost a child herself in between the two children she has (she had a three year old and an almost 1 year old). I wasn't expecting that. It's something how we see people so often and never know their backgrounds. Of course until now there never would've been a reason to bring it up.

She said her heart goes out to me and people in my situation who are dealing with a sick child because she understands the hurt. Her son was born without a brain. She said she knew when he was in the womb that he didn't develop one but her and her husband carried him anyway keeping hope alive that somehow the situation would be changed, but in the end he was born with out a brain and ultimately didn't survive. I asked her how she coped. I mean if you can meet this woman, she has so much joy and I've been around her a lot in the past at the playgroup and I can honestly say she's a wonderful mother, full of energy and I've truly never seen her down and I just had to ask how she got through it. And she told me she just had to take it one day at a time. She stressed how hard it was and how much she wrestled with how God could allow this to happen to a baby but eventually she found peace. Then she really ministered to me, I don't know if she knows how much but she started saying things that were in my head but I hadn't verbalized to anyone, but she said some things I'd been holding inside.

First she told me try not to worry too much about my other child. She said she knows a situation like this can cause a me to stress out over something happening to Peyton but don't do that, just trust God with her. It was like she was reading my mind. I pray for Peyton like I never prayed for her before and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I know some of it comes out of fear at times. I always ask God to blanket her with protection but now I'm very specific. I ask him to shield her from disease, from being kidnapped, from a fire, from car accidents, from falling down the steps, from peanut butter (hey I don't know if she's allergic or not yet), bee stings...seriously the list goes on and on but I plead with God to keep her intact now more than I ever have because I'm secretly not sure I can take something happening to another one of my children and when she said that it struck a nerve and made me realize I need to relax in this area and trust Christ.

Second and this kind of ties into the first. She said don't be afraid to have more children when the time is right. And when I do, she said don't be afraid you're not going to love them as much as the children I already have and too don't fear that they're going to be sick or handicapped, just trust God. Now this was important to me, for those of you who know Sam and me really well know that we really wanted two more children but after Nathan's cancer diagnosis, I gave up hope on that happening for so many reasons, it saddens me but I have so many fears over that. What if Nathan goes into remission and then comes out of remission and I'm pregnant or have a newborn, then how am I going to balance going to the hospital and taking care of a baby? Also I've thought, what if we were to lose Nathan, then could I really welcome a new child after the loss of another one and of course I thought what if the new baby gets sick. I've been ashamed to admit that on here and truthfully I've only discussed that with three people before this and I couldn't explain why I felt this way but when this mom spoke to me today it was if she read my mind and it comforted me knowing I'm not the only one who've had these similar fears. So I've placed the more children decision in God's hands, the time is not right, now of course, but it's up to him if we're to have more or not.

And lastly she reminded me that Nathan still has a chance and not to forget that. She said her and her husband knew when she was carrying their child that he really didn't stand a chance and she said she agonized over that but she said Nathan does. As long as he's here and as long as he's getting his chemo and he's had radiation and he's going to doctors appointments, then God is giving him a chance and she told me to keep fighting and hold on to that chance that God is giving him.

Dear Lord,

Did you set up this meeting with this mom today? It's like you were speaking to me through her. I've been keeping so much of what she said bottled up inside because I really couldn't explain to anyone why I felt that way or was having these thoughts and she really touched on a lot without me even saying a word.

Lord I've observed her in the past and have always admired her interactions with her little ones in the playgroup. I can't relate to what she's been through, Nathan's still here and I haven't experienced the loss of a child. She experienced such a huge loss in a very sad way but still she came up and ministered and shared it with me today. And all the many times we've been around each other, who knew that you'd use her in this way. Not only that, she has such obvious joy. I know what she went through was hard, she emphasized that but she also emphasized joy and as long as I've known her the joy is what I've always seen.

Lord I can't help but serve and love you. Even in difficult times you have these ways of bringing comfort. I'm constantly reminded that you haven't left. You promised you'd never leave me or forsake me and you've been true to your word. When I feel like quitting you send a reminder that you're still here. When I feel like you're far away you let me know that you're close. When I feel as if I'm alone, you remind me that I'm not.

Lord you remembered Hannah when she prayed and blessed her with Samuel, you remembered Noah in the ark and sent a wind to recede the waters, you heard the groaning of the Israelites and remembered your covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, you remembered Rachel and opened her womb, Lord you love Nathan and even though at times I feel that things are spiraling out of control you have a way of reminding me that you're still on your post and haven't left, you remember him, I know it.

Lord I know joy will come again someday. I know peace will be restored, no matter what but at times I need reminding of who you are and that you never forget. Thank you so much for giving Nathan a chance.

In Jesus Name
Amen