Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Time

Being in a hospital so much is weird. It's become like our second home. Nathan has a routine at the hospital, just like he has at home. We get there and put our clothes in our little closet (lately he's been getting his own room), he still has to nap, he has the same bedtime etc. And it's a very familiar place to him now. He knows where the playroom is and he usually likes to go there to retrieve his favorite toy and paint and play with the other children, he knows where the milk is and the microwave and where we go to get linens, it's become a second home to him. And the people have become our family.

He knows all of his RNs and LPNs, child life specialist, and the people who clean his room are his friends, the doctors are probably like Aunts and Uncles to him. He truly lights up when he sees them. And I have to admit that as much as I hate cancer I truly am thankful for the people who've crossed our paths.

Because of their low immune systems, the childhood cancer floor is behind closed doors and you have to be buzzed in and you have to wash your hands and if you're sick you cannot visit. I've gone through those doors quite a few times now and I've grown more confident over the last few weeks. I no longer just hang in Nathan's room, but I now go out and mingle a bit with other parents and I've met some truly amazing people.

Another little boy named Dylan is in remission for the third time. He's 10 years old and was first diagnosed at 15 months and his Dad always greets us with a smile and lets us know it gets better. Dylan took Nathan under his wing when he was there and showed Nathan how to operate the older, cooler toys in the playroom! Oh and he made sure we knew the make a wish foundation was building a pool for him last week :-)

Right next to Nathan was a little Amish girl who's been in the hospital for a long time. Her parents are wonderful people who love the Lord and remind us that God can heal if He so chooses and we encourage each other to hang in there.

I got to go on a spa day with three wonderful mothers, we spent the whole day together swapping stories. All of us completely different though united in the fight to save our children. One mother let me know she has comfort in the fact that if her child were to die she knows she'll be in heaven with our Savior. Such faith.

I've wondered over the last few months why some children get such serious chronic illnesses. I've wondered why some parents have to deal with watching their children so sick. And when I meet these parents and see the strength they have, the amazing courage, the ability to still laugh even in the midst of heartache and to be able to see such good, even in such hard times it truly speaks to me. I know I'm going through this too, but I stand in awe when I see my peers and I draw so much from them.

Having a sick child is a hard weight to carry around. Statistics mean very little because each individual is different. I'd been told that with Nathan's situation if his cancer comes back a second time after he's in remission then his chances of survival aren't good. But remember Dylan up above? Well he's survived Rhabdomyosarcoma twice...I've learned God doesn't go by the world's statistics.

I can honestly say I haven't spent a lot of time worrying lately. In the past worry hasn't gotten me very far. Even when Nathan was hospitalized with a fever a week ago I didn't spend much time worrying. I think worry has exhausted me for now and I have no room for frustration at this time either, I'm sure they'll peek their heads back in soon enough but for now they're locked out. My perspective on things is ever changing and I've just been enjoying Sam, Nathan and Peyton and the time we have together now. I see my children in a way I didn't before cancer. Things I thought were important aren't, I have much more time for them then I ever had before. We paint and get downright messy, we roll on the floor being silly, we cuddle in the morning eating breakfast in bed while watching PBS kids and I truly love it.

Believe it or not, some parts of life are simpler then they were (I should put strong emphasis on SOME). I don't panic over spilled milk or a broken toy or ripped shirt. I try to keep a spotless house but I'll sacrifice doing dishes to go for a walk with Nathan and Peyton. I'm not always so angry when I have to go tend to Nathan or Peyton at night, I would like to sleep but I'm very thankful to still have them in their rooms, able to cry and wake me up. Things I used to put first take a backseat, quality time has been maximized and perspectives have been changed.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for the people you've placed in our lives. Thank you for the amount of time we have together as a family. I get so much one on one time with Nathan in the hospital and in the past I've been so angry being there that I didn't realize what a great opportunity it is for quality time. Thank you for the amount of time I've been having with both Nathan and Peyton at home, just sitting on the floor putting together puzzles!

And Lord I lift up the other little children in prayer, Victoria, Riley, Julian, Dylan, Holly, Benjamin, Zach and there are others, who's names I can't recall. Lord you love them more then we ever could. You know every hurt they feel and you're right there when they're going through what they're going through. Lord be with these babies. Please heal them. Continue to strengthen their parents. Lord when it feels like they can't go on, please carry them. Give them all peace that passes all understanding. And I pray for salvation, Lord for those of them who don't know you.

Please continue to strengthen all of our families, keep our marriages strong, give us wisdom when it comes to decision making.

And Lord thank you so much for the times of laughter that we have. Thank you for the time we all have together with our families right now.

In Jesus Name
Amen

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