Setbacks

I still trust God but I'll be lying if I didn't admit my set backs. I had a serious one Tuesday night and yesterday. I decided to go back out to carepages.com to 'check' something. Big mistake. A lot of my strength came in avoiding sites like those and I'd been doing good at that. My plan was to go out to read one thing but I ended up clicking around in it. Carepages.com seems to be a site for cancer patients (and many other illnesses I'm sure) but a site to go and find other peoples stories that are similar to ours.

I LIVED on carepages when we first got the diagnoses. I only set up an account but I spent time reading other peoples stories...but after reading several it became overwhelming and decided to take a break from it. I then noticed my mood lifted. I starting focusing on God's word again and found peace in it and was doing good.

So I don't know why I went back out there on Tuesday night but I did and it's at times sad, often depressing. I was actually about to read the Bible but decided to take a 'quick' look. It's amazing how quickly our mood can change when we look away from Christ to get answers elsewhere.

It reminds me of Matthew 29:25-31. Remeber when Jesus approached his disciples walking on water and they became afraid and the ever eager Peter said "Lord if it is you call me to you". And the Lord told him to come. Unbelievably Peter then too walked on water!!!! Can you imagine that??? Have you ever tried walking on water? If not try it in the tub tonight, see how far you go. But Peter was doing it, but then he began to look around...he heard the wind around him, he panicked and began to sink. He then cries "Lord help me." And the text says (NIV) immediately Christ reached out his hand to save him asking Peter, " you of little faith why did you doubt?"

I still have doubts at times, I don't doubt God's power but sometimes I do question if Nathan will be one that the Lord heals and that thought still hurts me. What will I do without my little man. People keep telling me about an awesome testimony we're going to have...I don't want this testimony.

Nathan couldn't sleep Tuesday night so I went in and rocked him, singing "Jesus Loves me". We also played a little and he was laughing hysterically (at 11 pm mind you:-). It was wonderful and it sounds negative but at times I do question how many nights I may have left. To see him and Peyton play together sometimes makes me sad.

It's hard to feel peaceful at times and when I take my eyes off of Christ it's almost impossible. I know what we want but still question what we'll get.

I'm at the hospital now, I have a love/hate relationship for this place, the people are wonderful and I made some lifelong friendships but at times I get mad that I met them this way...
I want all of our stories to have a happy evening.

Nathan's hair is starting to fall out and I get mad at that. I dread him getting chemo and radiation and I ask that God doesn't put him through these weeks especially if he's going to take him anyhow.

We were all supposed to go to Disney World in March. He should be running and playing not coming for Chemo treatments and radiation!!! He's only three!!!!

Lord I come to you highly upset and downright frustrated. Why him??? You could've let this happen to me, so why him. I'm already 30 and have seen a ton more than him. Lord I beg you for a healing, remove this cancer, let the chemo shrink it and the radiation burn it!!! Get this out of his body, please Lord. Step in and deliver Him. Lord let him grow old. Help me to once again focus my attention on you Lord. You promised you'll never leave us or forsake us. Carry Nathan through this Father. If this is to be his testimony then so be it Lord I just want him to be the one telling it. Lord once again give me peace in this storm. Remind me daily of my need for you. Lord before Peter began to doubt he was walking on water. I can do the impossible when I put my faith and trust in you but at times I need reminding. Remind me daily Lord who's in control since I tend to look away and Lord please help us to remember how much you love and care for Nathan and that you haven't left and never will.

In Jesus name
Amen
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