I'm really trying to sleep

It's just one of those nights when sleep won't come. I was just sitting and praying and I got up to try to go to sleep but I don't feel very restful right now. We've gotten such good news about Nathan lately and I'm so thankful, but at the same time I still have a lot of fear. As long as the cancer is inside I still feel uneasy. Things are going so well, yet there's always reminders that it's there.

Nathan woke up yesterday with a ton of drainage from his ear on the the side where the cancer is. Also I think you'll remember that, though his tumor isn't in his eye, it still impacted it. Still to this day he doesn't produce tears out of his left eye and we don't know if he ever will again. I pray he will, for the longest he couldn't even move it because the tumor rested on the optic nerve, but now he can move it. I just pray he can produce tears in it again someday. He still has swelling on the side of his face and eye where the tumor is and the hair he has left just kind of sticks up everywhere fussy-like (it looks kind of cute actually). Still no surgeon will touch this mass because of all it's connected too so we're praying that the chemo and radiation works to kill it and so far he's responding to his treatments beautifully.

You're probably wondering where all of this came from especially with so much good news in the past few weeks. I guess lately I've been looking into schooling options for Nathan and Peyt and Sam and I are always looking for our next move and we just bought another vehicle and all of these things are good right? I think they are, but at the same toke as we're doing all of this I can't help but beg God to allow Nathan to be a part of our future. I know life isn't guaranteed to anyone, anymore than it is to Nathan. But the thought of possibly walking by an empty room or looking at an empty chair in the car overwhelms me at times. And when people see Nathan they're quick too tell me how "good" he looks and I know he looks good to them because when you think of cancer he may not meet your expectations, especially since he hasn't been completely bald yet. He'll always be beautiful to me, however, right now he looks sick to me. As beautiful as he is, I want his metaport out, I want his hair to all grow back. I don't want to keep pumping him full of medicines. I want to see tears pouring out of both of his eyes when he cries. And he loves to cuddle all of the time now and as a mom I appreciate that but I would appreciate it so much more if he wasn't doing it because he was overly tired or sick from chemo or scared.

Dear Lord

I really hate days like today. I'm so sorry for being so negative and Lord I really am grateful. Forgive me for my rants because I'm so very thankful for all that you've done thus far. I just wish I could move on Lord. I just wish cancer wasn't always on my mind. I try to push it out but it's never far from my thoughts. I can't escape the fact that Nathan has it. Lord what he's been through is heartbreaking and I hurt whenever he hurts, I just wish the pain he's going through would stop. I just want him to wake up and be ok. I really want him to be cancer free. Just recently I heard stories of two people who were on their deathbed, one lady literally planned her own funeral because the doctors told her there was nothing more they could do, another guy was given a 0% survival rate as he battled cancer for the second time, yet you healed them! I know you're a healing God, I know you can do this. Please Lord do this for Nathan, please Lord do this for my son. Let him be a success story. Tell me what you want me to do Lord and I'll do it. I'll proclaim your name, I'll tell anyone about you. I'll raise my children to love you. If you send me somewhere I'll go. My life is yours I lay it all down, just please spare my child. Thank you so much for the good news thus far. I just want to continue to hear good news. Just tell me where you want me to go and I'll go for you, just please heal him, that's all I ask, you can take what you want from me just spare him.

In Jesus Name
Amen