Nathan's tumor is inoperable so I was told some of it will always be there but I'm praying that when they look at the last set of scans they don't see anything. I pray they have to wonder, "Where is it?"
I've mentioned this prayer to a few people and their response has been to tell me that would be nice but you know it's highly unlikely that will happen. I want God to prove them wrong so bad. I've even asked Him too. I've begged him to let those people know who He is and that nothing is impossible with Him.
I expected to feel total joy at seeing the end just around the corner. What I didn't expect is this new fear to creep into the picture. As much as I'm looking forward to Nathan being done with chemo another part of me is terrified to see it end.
To many of you this is a ludicrous fear. Totally crazy. But honestly I haven't talked to one parent of a child with cancer who hasn't shared the same fear in one way or another.
As much as I want Nathan to be done with chemo and not have to deal with it's side affects, I have a false sense of comfort while he's getting the medicine. After the medicine stops than the waiting game begins...and that concept is extremely nerve wracking to me.
The doctor has informed me of several things. Believe it or not it's about 5 years after treatment before a person's chances improve of the cancer not coming back. If they make it to 10 years without the cancer coming back then thats even better. If the cancer were to come back shortly after he's taken off the medicine then the doctors will determine that the treatment didn't work and will try something else.
What if he gets a headache? What if another lump appears? You see for Nathan a headache will never be just a headache anymore. A lump will always have to be looked at. Since he's had cancer once, he's at a higher risk than the rest of us to get cancer again. Whenever something comes up with him we'll always go to the doctor hoping/praying that it's not cancer.
Some of the side effects from the radiation and chemo could take awhile to manifest. Because of the location of the tumor, radiation was done very close to his brain. We still don't know what effects that will have on his future.
Chemo has been brutal to Nathan these last two treatments. His immune system is taking longer to recover so he's not bouncing back as quickly as he used to. Right now I have plastic bags strategically placed all around the house in every room that we're normally in. It may look messy if you were to visit but if Nathan says "bag" then there's always one really close to hold up in front of him.
I truly miss our lives before this. Peyton and I were just looking at pictures of our last Christmas...we had no idea what was going to happen less than a month after those pictures were taken. Life seemed so simple then. Cancer wasn't even a thought.
Now I'm truly trying to figure out how we're going to start over. We can't go back to the way things were. I so wish we could but a certain 'innocence' is gone and our perspectives on life have changed.
My dependence and awareness of God has increased and for that I'm grateful. All of these things I'm writing I've taken to him and will continue to take to him. I don't want cancer or the fear of cancer to control our future. I really want to move on.
Some things have gotten better. I've learned what's important and truthfully I think I can let things go easier than a lot of my peers. Outside of this cancer nothing else really rattles me. LOL I'll admit I'm not the person to call if your issue isn't life threatening, I may not be able to offer much assistance. As long as your family is healthy and you have a roof over your heard, well I can't see much past that right now.
I've made life long friends. I'm so grateful for the hospital staff and people who've enriched our lives. I love the families I've met both here and out of state who've also been affected by childhood cancer. I met children with cancer who've changed my life.
I just came across a 13 year old named Jake who was diagnosed with Leukemia in July. He'll be doing treatment for 3 years. He asked Nathan to come sing while he played the guitar on the Wii. He was so kind and encouraging, complimenting Nathan's "singing". I took a ton of pictures. One nurse stopped to watch them as tears fell down her cheeks at the sight of the two of them together. I still say my life is better after meeting all of these people.
Dear Father,
I just want peace about the future. You told me not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
So I'm seeking you. I've learned that I am nothing apart from you. I've learned that you're in control and not me.
I want to depend on you and not worry about this. No matter what happens I want joy to return to this house.
Please forgive me for the doubt and worry that still find its way in.
Lord you know my prayer. You know my every desire concerning Nathan's cancer.
I pray that your will be done no matter what. And I pray for the strength to be able to accept whatever that will is...but Lord I do ask that those scans come back showing nothing...I still want your will but if it's ok I just wanted to throw in my own personal request.
Thank you so much for hearing me. Thank you so much for loving Nathan and my family. Thank you so much for the people you've placed in our lives.
I pray that I always remain close to you even after this treatment has ended. I pray that I remember to pray in the good times as I have been during the bad.
In Jesus Name
Amen
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