Just some random thoughts.

My comfort in my suffering is this;

your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 119:50

Last weekend was pretty horrible, I was a bag of water works, crying most of the day Saturday into Sunday. I'd be doing dishes and tears would well up and begin to fall and the least little thing would trigger it.

I prayed and I took my cries to God saying "remember how you heard Hannah when she prayed to you? Well please hear me!" God always shows up when I pray, it's not always immediate but He still gives me comfort in little ways and I really yearned for His comfort this past weekend.

After praying that prayer I went and got my Bible to read I Samuel I believe in seeking God in prayer but to hear His voice I turn to His word. I came across the familiar passage of Hannah saying if God would just give her a son then she'd give him to the Lord all the days of his life. And I had to pause there. For some reason it just struck me of how Hannah prayed and then her reaction to God's gift.

I've had to keep giving Nathan over to the Lord. I did it again this weekend and I know when another tearful day comes up then I'll do it again and honestly when I remind myself that he belongs to God first and that God is still in control of this situation then I feel better.

I also read how Hannah rejoiced after giving Samuel to the Lord. She was happy! She praised God knowing she wasn't going to raise the son he gave her not even knowing if she'd have more children. The gift she yearned for she gave back and look how God used Samuel!

Already God has used this experience with Nathan to show me a lot of things.

I knew that Nathan was fantastic before but my respect for him as a parent has soared. God has showed me how to handle a difficult situation with grace just by watching him.

And any of you who truly knows Nathan knows he has what I like to call a quiet strength. He's an observer, if he sees something once he'll figure it out, he's always been the kind of kid who doesn't need things repeated over and over, if he sees it once I can guarantee as a parent he's got it. He learned his routine at the hospital really quick and he adjusted to this new life quicker than I did.

I pray constantly that Nathan and Peyton will love each other and remain close as brother and sister and just recently I noticed what an amazing big brother he is (it also helps that he has an awesome little sister ;-). But he helps her when she falls, I'll be in the kitchen and just hear "you alright Peyton?" Although they fight occasionally, he's really good at making sure she's taken care of, he makes sure she gets a piece of what he has and if he has a toy in his hand then he makes sure she has a toy in hers.

I've been a stay at home mother for almost 4 years now and most of those were spent on the go, from one play group to another and for the first time since Nathan was born we spent the entire year just at home. We've come up with a ton of things to do around the house and at times I felt would be nice if I could take him somewhere, but that's just me, if Nathan has Peyton here and some toys and books than he's good, that alone makes him happy.

I can't tell you how many people I've met who are going through or have been through the same or very similar circumstances with a chronically ill child who've touched me. I had a talk with one of Nathan's nurse who's been in Oncology for a very long time and she told me it never ceases to amaze her that the majority of the families that she's come in contact with who've been afflicted with child hood families have been the nicest people ever. People who you look at and go "why them?" And I have to agree with her. These people have become my family and my friends. Although we all wish we would've met under different circumstances I will proudly say my life is better because they're a part of it now and I'm so blessed to know them.

I've created a ton of memories over this past year. A ton of little things I store away in my heart watching both Nathan and Peyton. I try not to worry about the future. God told me tomorrow will worry about itself. At times I still get scared and lonely because this experience is truly like we're on an island but then I remember that I'm not alone that God comforts me and I can go to Him for that comfort and He rises to the occasion.