***IMPORTANT***

I know I haven't posted much in awhile and I will soon I promise but right now I've been in contact with my friend who's baby has Lukemia and he's just been moved to the ICU because of pneuomonia and respitory distress. He's only 6 months old (diagnosed at 2 months). Please keep their family lifted up in prayer. He has an identical twin brother as well (who isn't sick) but he's only 6 months so I know this is a lot of stress. He's a wonderful sweet little guy. Please, please, please pray!!!!!! I'm going to stop and see him tomorrow and will keep everyone posted but for now please stop what you're doing and send up a prayer for this little boy.

Quick updates

Really quick updates.

I didn't realize I'd forgotten to update on Nathan's nurse and my cousin.

Nathan's nurses brother is in rehab, doing much better!!!! Thank you for your prayers!

And my little cuz is home and expected to make a full recovery!!!

Nathan's next set of scans will be August 27th so please keep him in your prayers!

God Bless


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As a side note

I just thought I'd add this sense I've spent a lot of time venting lately. Truthfully I don't vent around the house or even talk the way I write on here.

Nathan is going through so much that I try not to let this stuff out during the day. Everyone needs an outlet and this is mine as raw as it is.

When people call or when I call people I usually only discuss cancer when it's brought up. I don't mind discussing it but I usually won't have this kind of rant on the phone (anymore) nor will I have them in front of my children. I just reserve those for here.

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Interesting article

Ok so I stole this post from another blog I just stumbled up on. It's very interesting, although the author wrote it about herself dealing with breast cancer, as a mother of a child with cancer I can relate to a TON of stuff on this list and I'm sure my friends at the hospital would agree with it.

The last few weeks have been pretty hard and burn out stage has arrived. I've been running like crazy. Nathan's blood counts have been low so he can't go out in public and truthfully it'll probably be like this until the end of his treatment.

I can't just take Nathan to the store anymore so I have to find time to do the grocery shopping when Sam's not working so I can leave him, lately Sam has been trying to get that out of the way early Sunday morning and on top of that I have to find time to cook. The house pretty much stays trashed with a pile of clean clothes in the living room because I don't really have time (or the energy for that matter) to fold them.

With Apraxia the therapy is pretty intense, I can't explain how hard it really is to correct this. Nathan is doing so well though but the road is going to be pretty long.

The Oncologist wants him to go to physical therapy and truthfully I'm trying to figure out how I can squeeze that into an already busy schedule.

Tomorrow I have to drive an hour both ways and then get back in time to run Nathan to his appointment, only to wake up and go to the hospital again on Thursday.

I've gotten invited to several things in these upcoming weeks and believe me I'd like to come but truthfully I'm exhausted, Nathan has been waking at night so we're not getting sleep and with all the running Sam and I do (almost everyday we have to be somewhere now) I'm just truly exhausted so I have to say no to everything right now outside of any activity I can find that Nathan can go to.

Dear Lord,

I'm thinking of Psalm 23 where King David says; "He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,
³ he restores my soul"
Lord I need to find those green pastures and still waters and I really need my soul restored.
The day tomorrow is going to be long again and truthfully I want to just cancel everything I have to do but unfortunately everything I have to do HAS to be done.
Lord I just ask for strength. I'm sitting here trying to finish something Nathan needs for tomorrow but don't even feel like doing it. I just need strength. Help me to stay awake and alert on the road tomorrow. Give me energy only you can give.
Please comfort Nathan, heal his little body and help him with his speech. Please continue to give me creative ideas as to how I can help him more and thank you so much for his wonderful therapist. He still gets really frustrated at times, please give Sam and me wisdom so we can help ease that frustration.
Please put a hedge around Peyton. Thank you so much for her and for that fact she's in such good health right now. I thank you for her wonderful little personality as well as Nathan's.
Lord please give Sam strength as he has a ton on his plate as well at work and at home.
In Jesus Name
Amen

Random Thoughts

I still occasionally read other cancer moms stories. I know I probably shouldn't cause they don't always help, but at times I still do. Maybe I just want to hear someone who shares something in common with me.

I've been seeking God so much over this past year and lately I can't get through my day without turning to God's word and it's bringing me so much comfort as it usually does. I see life so differently now. I literally live life day to day. That doesn't mean I don't have goals but it's still so hard to know what the future holds and I don't try to figure it out. All I know is that today I woke up and both of our children were in their rooms and my husband was beside me and that's all I truly cared about.

As Nathan's treatments progress it takes longer for his white blood counts to recover after chemo (his white counts fight infections) so we have to be extra careful now more than ever that he doesn't get sick. I've become very strict in who comes over...I actually don't allow anyone over other than grandparents to be honest with you and they have to be well.

Cancer isn't a heavy topic anymore amongst our household when no one's around. We keep an eye out to make sure Nathan's not sick or anything but we're all about having fun and truthfully I believe we may have more fun than most families on a more regular basis.

I don't have time to be stuffy anymore and neither does Sam. We run, play, and act silly with the children as often as possible and make sure it's not a sad atmosphere. It's really no reason for it to be. There's nothing we can do but keep praying and we've been doing that.

The times when I get sad and of course it still happens I do turn to my growing group of cancer mom friends and it brings a weird sense of comfort. Unfortunately I'm not alone and when no one else understands why LaToya is acting "weird" they get it.

Life will never be the same. And in a way I pray it's going to be better. I've grown as a wife and mother in so many ways. I've always had goals that centered around my family but now they're so much more profound and can't be shaken by others opinions.

I've learned through this what God has been trying to teach us all and that is, life is short but eternity with Him is our ultimate goal. We have so much to look forward to when we realize God's ultimate plan for us as Christians. We're put here on earth for however long he gives us to do the task he instructed us to do. All of our paths and stories are going to be different. In these few short months I've learned more than I ever wanted to and have been through things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I just pray God gets the glory for the everything I've shared with you in this blog.

I sometimes try to think of what our family would be doing this summer if cancer hadn't struck but I have no clue. It's totally taken over our lives so I don't know. I look at Nathan and try to think of how he'd be if he wasn't sick. I even try to remember how he was before cancer hit, but my memory fails me at times. Then I try to think of what we're going to do when his treatments are done and he's in remission and I can't think that far ahead either. What's it going to be like when I'm not going to the hospital several days every week? What's it going to be like when I can actually take him out in public places again without worrying about him getting sick? What's it going to be like when we can go to church again as a family? So many things I did every day all summer that I took for granted and crave to be able to do again. And will I get to attend his wedding one day? And meet his children? I don't know, that's up to God. But someday, no matter what happens, joy will return and this trial will pass and we all look forward to that day.

Being a mother has brought me an incredible amount of joy. I love spending each and every moment with Nathan and remember it just being him and me when he was born and then we welcomed Peyton and that just added to that joy. Despite what we've gone through as a family this year I still don't see Nathan as a burden. I'd bend over backwards for either of our children or my own husband for that matter. It's hard going back and forth to the hospital so much but Nathan is the one who is going through the treatment so my driving him and sitting there doesn't compare to what he goes through and I never forget that. I just want to see him better and watch him and Peyton growing up together and if that means I have to be at the hospital everyday to do that will then so be it.

I know a lot of people when their children are healed of cancer decide to never talk about it again and take their blog down. Some make it into their ministry and carry their stories out into the world. I truthfully don't know if there's any right or wrong thing to do. I write this blog now because it is therapeutic for me. I had another blog but shut it down because the content didn't matter to me much anymore.

I asked Sam what he wants to do when this is all done and he said "leave it behind and move on with life" and I actually agree. I'll leave this blog out here for others to read but the day Nathan's declared to be cancer free is when I'm going to 'retire' from this whole blogging thing. We'll tell Nathan all about his cancer and apraxia and let him use his story however he sees fit, but I agree with Sam when that day comes, I'm done. I don't think I want to talk about it or think about it or answer anymore questions about it. I have enough private journals around here that Nathan and Peyton will have more information about exactly what happened but unless God directs me to do otherwise (and truthfully I'm praying he doesn't) after this cancer is done so am I.

Keep the prayers coming

My little cuz is still in critical condition, in a medically induced coma on life support, so please keep praying.

I haven't talked to Nathan's nurse yet but will post updates on her brother when I do.


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Fun Stuff

Ok I know I'm blogging a ton today and forgive me because I'm going so quick I know I didn't do much spell checking in these posts today. I'm just playing catch up because it'll probably be another week or so before I can do it again. I just wanted to share the fun things Nathan's been able to do.

Two weeks ago he went on his first boat ride. There's an organization here called The Littles Heroes that organize all sorts of fun things for children with cancer and their families and they have something called "Yachts of Fun." A man who owns his own Yacht took it upon himself to offer boat rides to children with cancer and their families. It's so nice, he even treats them to dinner! So Nathan was able to go!

We didn't know how him or Peyton would react to being on a boat. We frequent the lake now a days, because it's so warm and the lake area is so spread out. He can run and have a good time without necessarily being close to people. One thing we noticed whenever we go, is that he loves the boats. He's always pointing them out and yelling "Boat, Mommy boat" (yes he says 'Mommy' ALL the time now and I LOVE it!!!!) So we knew he liked looking at boats but we weren't sure how he'd like being on one.

As soon as Nathan and Peyton saw the boat they took off running (which was pretty scary cause we were on a pier mind you). They were jumping up and down with their little life jackets on so very excited!!! They loved every minute of it!!!!! The owner, Captain Ray, even let Nathan drive which was a huge highlight of the day and dinner was wonderful. We all just had a great time.

Yesterday we went to a picnic sponsered by the Oncology department at the hospital. The weather was wonderful! There were so many activities, face painting, Corn hole, water ballons etc. Nathan and Peyton especially loved the Parachute. Remember those from elementary school? We'd play with them in the gym and run under etc. Well I was very happy to see one there because Nathan's class he used to go to before he got sick had one and it was always his favorite and he hasn't played with one since. All of the adults kept flipping it up in the air and Nathan was running and playing with all of the other kids, throwing balls on top and just had a wonderful time.

I saw a little of the 'old' Nathan come out yesterday. I was kicking myself because I forgot my video camera but I got so much joy seeing him and Peyton running and laughing carefree under that tent, such a wonderful memory.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for the fun things we were able to fit in these last two weeks. I thank you for the organizations that arranged them and the fact that Nathan was out of the hospital and able to go. I pray for many more days like this.

Thank you for these times when Nathan is able to be around others who understand what he is going through, sometimes that 'common ground' is so nice.

Thank you for the laughter and smiles it brought him and us. I'm just thankful most of all for that parachute being there, knowing how much he loves that thing!!!!

In Jesus Name

Amen