Reflections

[Name], do you take [Name] to be your wedded [husband/wife] to live together in marriage. Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep [him/her] For better orworse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to [him/her] so long as you both shall live...

I'm going to totally switch gears just for today and tomorrow I'll be back on topic with Nathan's cancer.

Sam and I spent a great deal talking over the last week, leading up to our anniversary today. For some reason we've been interested in looking at what wedding vows say. When we first went on our date in 1995, we never guessed we'd be married 7 years later. We were 15 and 16 at the time and went on one date (December 9, 1995) but broke up soon after (lol there's still disputes over who initiated that breakup), only to reunite 4 years later and get married 3 years after that. When we look at those old high school pictures one thing we always say is "who would've thought?" Who would've thought that young man would one day become my husband? I looked at those pics so many times over the years, when I was 16, 17, 18, 19 and didn't know I was looking at the man God had chosen for me.

Now we look at them saying not only who would've thought we'd get married but who would've thought we'd be parents of a child with cancer. I was recently talking to a close family member who just started dating and hasn't reached the engagement or marriage stage yet and I told him really look at the person you're going to be spending life with, because you have no clue what that life is going to bring you. A friend of Sam's from the Philippines asked him why do so many American marriages fall apart. Last I knew our divorce rate was 50% for first time marriages, thankfully Sam and I didn't have an answer for him but he was really curious as to why we as Americans don't take vows seriously. My only answer I guess is when we say those vows we really don't know what they mean at the time of us saying them. And that's what Sam and I have been on this past week.

When we said "Sickness and in Health" we meant each other, and we still mean that because we have no clue what the future holds, but we never at the time thought that could mean a child. When you tell people about a sick child some ask how Sam and I are doing, and that's a valid question because a situation like this can put a strain on everything. Truthfully we're doing fine but I've witnessed families that are not because it's so hard.

I thankfully grew up with many fine examples of marriage, both sets of grandparents were happily married, and so are my parents. I grew up not being able to relate to divorce, it was like a foreign language, sure it was all around me but not close enough to have an impact on me because all of my close examples had happy marriages, so I grew up with the belief of marriage is for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for sickness and in health, in fat or skinny (lol I had to add that), till DEATH do us part. I'm not going to get into the abuse aspect and when you should leave etc, etc, that's not what this is particular post is about.

I'm really happy to celebrate 8 years with Sam today and I pray for many many more with him. I guess I wanted to shift gears and write this post about marriage today, not to sound conceited or anything but I think marriage should be lifted up as much as possible. I see so many shows about how and why men and women can't get along, and how do you find a good man or woman and I never see anything positive about marriage. I know marriage is hard and we all can give examples of friends and family members who are married and not making it. Sadly when I talk to some people about marriages they always see the negative and not the positive. It's very hard to make anything worthwhile in life work, if you want to be a entreprenuer then it's going to take HARD work, if you want to be the BEST in your field it's going to take HARD work, if you want your children to succeed in life it's going to take HARD work. If you want a marriage that's going to stand the test of time it's going to take HARD work.

So if you're engaged, read over the marriage vows with your soon to be husband or wife, I'm kind of against changing the traditional vows because in my opinion they're the most realistic, in marriage you're going to encounter some, if not all of what the vows speak to at some point or another. If you're married take the time to read over the marriage vows again and recommit yourselves to your spouse.

Dear Lord,

I just thank you today for Sam and for 8 years with him, and although this storm we're in really stinks I'm just so grateful you chose him to be the one to go through this with. I pray that you continue to strenghthen our marriage. I pray that we can both resist temptation in whatever form it may come. Even though the road is rough right now I pray that we continue to remember to look to you first, each other second, children third. I thank you for the children you've blessed us with, I wouldn't trade Nathan or Peyton for anything, thank you so much for them and I pray that our marriage will continue to stand the test of time, that one day we'll be in the paper celebrating 50 years :-)

In Jesus Name

Amern

What are you doing

Seriously this last week has been very stressful so much going on and I've just been feeling very bogged down. I've kind of withdrawn, I'm not much for talking on the phone, don't really feel like smiling or laughing, haven't felt like praying either, just going through motions the last few days.

Nathan is really feeling the side effects from his radiation and his chemo didn't go so well last week, he literally started crying hysterically after he was admitted to the floor, he just wouldn't cooperate and didn't want to be there. Then he had to stay later at the hospital the next day because they wouldn't release him unless he ate or drank something. The weekend was full of crying from him and the stress just really got to me for some reason and I really needed to 'escape.' My husband was gracious enough to let me handle the shopping which gave me time to get out of the house and then he took both children to Warren to drop of Peyton at my parents which let me be in the house alone. Very thoughtful of him considering we're both going through this.

On Saturday Nathan was chasing Peyton and tripped and went head first into the wall hitting his forehead. Not only was it scary but we had to call the doctor to report it and check his platelets etc. A simple fall (although that one wasn't simple) can be a huge deal now. Thankfully he was ok but then we started noticing his cry was weak throughout the night and by Sunday evening he had no voice so we called the doctor and was told to bring him into the ER. They at first suspected it was laryngitis and since he didn't have a fever or show any signs of breathing problems he was able to go home. But you know how the ER goes - we were there until almost midnight, we didn't get him in bed until around 1 am and had to be back up at 6:45 am. I literally had to take him out of the house kicking and screaming, he was exhausted and still sick. And with a throat problem he can't be sedated because of the threat of asphyxia and since he can't be sedated he can't get radiation. So the Ear Nose Throat doctor had to look down his throat, by sticking a probe down his nose (yes that's as uncomfortable as it sounds). And Nathan wasn't happy about that. Come to find out his vocal cord is swollen which is causing the loss of his voice so he has to go to OR tomorrow so they can get a better look.

Since Nathan is immunocompromised I have to be extremely strict about who comes around and even taking him to the ER is a challenge because we have to find a hallway to walk in to keep him away from the crowd. When he went downstairs to see the ENT the receptionist was understanding and let us wait in an empty exam room. I have to be strict with parents who allow their children to approach him. I don't think I was a mean person before, but this situation has a brought a lot out of me.

I still have a certain amount of peace but I still feel a huge weight at times. I think that's why I avoid the phone so much and conversation at those times. I may not necessarily feel like talking, or have anything to say, I go through it at the hospital so much I just don't feel like discussing it at home and I just withdraw, give me time and I'll be back again but these withdrawals are needed for me at times.

On Friday though my Great Aunt Ann (my grandmothers baby sister) who lives in Alabama called and we played phone tag until Saturday night. She wanted to check and see how I was doing and she said to me, "many people can sympathize with you but honey I empathize." Aunt Ann lost her son Paul to cancer. I was really young at the time (maybe 12 or so) and I hadn't remembered that. As soon as she said those words she stopped me in my tracks and had my undivided attention. Everything she said to me had great meaning. She asked all of the right questions and she said to me, "If God puts it on you He'll give you the grace to bear it." I asked her how she coped when she was going through and she told me how hard it was and she'd lost a lot of weight but she said "Sweetie, joy will come, God has to put us through these kinds of things so we'll grow, but even the worst situations have an end to them and then joy will come." She couldn't see me crying and honestly I held it together pretty good but to hear her tell me that she know it's hard now but joy will come touched me and I know she told me from experience. Paul was in his forties when he died and she said her main concern was his salvation and he was saved and that brings her great peace.

Dear Lord,

Honestly I'm struggling to pray right now. For these last few days I've struggled day and night. I'm pretty angry and I don't know who to direct my anger at. I'm mad at the situation and I'm so mad I can't change it. I feel frustrated beyond belief. I see life continuing around me, people enjoying this new year and I hate it with a passion. 2010 will go down in history as being horrible to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything, I just want to move on and have Nathan's cancer be a distant memory. I can't continue to smile right now, I just don't feel like it and comfort isn't really coming this week. When will this end and how will it end? Not knowing that tends to bother me. I trust you Lord I really do but I'm still weary. The road continues to get bumpier and we're just hitting tons of bumps right now. And to be honest I still don't think it's fair that my three year old son has this. Lord we had so many plans for a wonderful year, Disney World in March, traveling this summer. Why in the world did you do this? I just don't understand. Why do you want us to have such horrible memories? Did we really have to go through this? Why? What is your purpose in this? Why does Nathan have to go through this and why put our entire family through something like this? I wish I could see what you see Father, I really do. Until then I'm going to try to hold on to You but I'll admit it's hard, times are rough and during these times it's just hard. I don't want to turn my back on you, even in these times I know you haven't lost control, I just really wish I could figure out what you're doing.

In Jesus Name
Amen

How to Discipline

Nathan took a flying leap off of the couch today!!!!! Sam and I were so happy but then something occurred to us...he's not allowed to do that!!!! Then I got to thinking of something else - How in the world do you discipline a child going through chemotherapy???

Now my doctor told me that I have to still discipline like I would if he were well. That advice has been some of the best ever, it helped us teach Nathan to listen to the doctors, especially when things are being done to him that are painless (such as blood pressure) and it's helped.

But I used to believe in time outs and sometimes spanking but spanking Nathan right now just feels weird (I would say whoopins but I don't know if that's politically correct:-) Peyton of course has noticed us let up a little and is taking full advantage of this situation.

But also the doctors point out that what Nathan is going through can be traumatic to adults so who knows what it does to a child. And we have noticed changes in Nathan's personality, so much so that when the 'old' Nathan shines through and he starts cutting up, it actually bring us joy, weird huh. Now I wouldn't go visiting other people now, not sure they'd feel the same way we do :-).

My only fear is starting bad habits. Nathan has to eat a ton of calories while on chemo. I was actually told the more fattening foods the better. Plus chemo changes your taste buds, things he used to like he now hates. Actually he only wants pringles...so for two days he ate pringles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...I know this was a dream come true for him but I had to talk to his dietitian about this because we felt he was getting away with murder. Poor Peyton begged to do the same but we didn't let her. When we went back to the doctor I was told he gained two kilos (whatever that means), but he had a heavy sweater on too, I refuse to give pringles any credit.

So that's what's on my mind today. I'm trying to maintain some stability around here not easy but has to be done. I haven't got my formula down yet, I'll update more when we do.