He's Done

I can't put into words what we're feeling right now. Nathan is officially coming off of treatment!!!!! His last day of chemo was yesterday and today he's home!!!! I'm so excited!

I can't gather the emotions I've felt. I've been in really good spirits. I sat down on Wed. night and just reflected on how this all began, in January Nathan was in a ton of pain and couldn't even move his left eye at all. Diagnosed with stage 3 cancer the doctors couldn't even tell us anything except the medicine they were going to try. They couldn't guarantee anything.

I've seen a lot this year and I have to thank God over and over. We don't have a declaration of remission yet and I'm not going to worry over the future. For now I'm just glad to be celebrating this present milestone.

It's been a long year, we said goodbye to the people on the floor today and had a mini celebration full of gifts and hugs. I almost got emotional when the resident walked in who sat with me the first week of Nathan's diagnosis, a ton of memories came back.

It's bittersweet. I've spent a ton of time on that floor and I genuinely love the staff and families like my own family. I've hung out in the hall at the desk many times at midnight and beyond talking to them and laughing when Nathan was asleep, I'll truly miss them. It was funny because as we hugged we knew as much as we all loved each other we never wanted to see each again at least not on that floor :-).

Dear Lord,

I thank you. As weird as it may sound to those who may not understand I thank you for what we went through this year. It drove us to our knees in ways I never thought were possible. I thank you for the hard times, I thank you for the good times. I thank you for the lessons learned.

The most important thing to me right now Lord is that we don't forget. I've been reading the Old Testament lately in Leviticus and Numbers about the grumbling and complaining of the Israelites. It seems so stupid to me. They saw all the plagues in Egypt, they literally saw a sea part right in front of their eyes yet they still grumbled and complained against you.

Lord I don't want to become them. I don't want to forget this ordeal. I saw you in action throughout this year. I've kept my sanity this year thanks only to you. You've been my strength and my comfort. You've changed my entire perspective and I don't want to go back to the way I was before. I want to continue learning and growing and I truly want this family to be used by you.

In the end let your will be done.

In Jesus Name

Amen

I Need Constant Reminders

Dear Lord,

I need constant reminders lately of who you are and what you're capable of. I long to be close to you right now just because that's where I find my strength and my comfort.

It's been a long year. A really long year. I'm stuck in a weird place right now. I've given everything to you. Everything that is important and that I hold dear is yours.

I've seen a lot. I know of two babies that have gone home to be with you. I've met more families coming in just finding out their children have cancer and I'm having a hard time with that. Everytime I hear their stories I have flashbacks to January and it saddens me that this is happening to other families. The pain of it all still comes back to me even months later.

Everything lately has been a faith walk. I'm scared about what next year is going to bring but at the same time I'm comforted that I can cast those worries and concerns on you.

But Lord, I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to live the rest of our lives in fear. I truly want to live. I want to give those fears to you and just plain live. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.

I truly don't know what the future holds for Nathan or the rest of our family but I know you hold the future.

I wish other people could know you Lord, I really do. I truly couldn't have made it through this year without you. All the nights I cried, you were there. All the days I didn't have anyone to talk to you were there.

Becoming a child of God didn't make my life easier. But you never guaranteed a cake walk, I was just hoping for one.

But Lord you promised never to leave us or forsake us. In the midst of our trials you have been here. Your promises are true.

When we didn't feel like we could get up, you extended your hand. You've carried this family.

I've learned that my children are not my own. I've learned that in the midst of the worst trials you are with Nathan. When I can't go into some rooms with him, I take comfort knowing you are always with him.

I've learned that EVERY child is a blessing. Someone said to me, that if most people knew what parenting entailed, then they wouldn't become parents. But Lord you gave me Nathan and my life is better because I have him in it. All the trials he's been through, Lord I still love him and I'm so thankful you chose us to be his parents. I wouldn't trade him or Peyton for any amount of money. Thank you for letting a 3 year old teach me so much about life.

I pray that people will accept you as their Lord and Savior. I take great comfort knowing that if something was to happen to my children or Sam that though it'll hurt like crazy, I'll see them again one day.

There is no other way to be saved but through you. Thank you for dying for me. Thank you for dying for my husband and children. Thank you for loving us as much as you do.

Please continue to bring us comfort and strength. I don't want to forget what you've done. It's so easy to forget but Lord I don't want to forget. I really don't want to forget.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Praise Him

No seriously I have been thanking God out loud all morning. My daughter is getting a kick out of hearing me and seeing me raising my hands and praising our wonderful Saviour!

We got a call this morning that Nathan's tumor has again shrunk significantly since the test last month and that the intensity is measuring low. I won't have the exact numbers until we actually go in and sit and talk with the Oncologist this Thursday and I'm so excited to hear them and look at the comparisons on paper.

But for right now we praise Him! God has been so good and gracious and I'm so thankful to Him for this wonderful report!

Listening to God

Sam and I prayed for guidance throughout Nathan's pregnancy on whether I should keep working or be home full time. In the end we felt strongly that God was leading us in the direction of having me home and so that's what we decided. We didn't consult many people on this decision. We were living off of two incomes and we were able to pay our bills just fine but whenever we did the math on just one income it wasn't adding up. I remember sending Sam a message from my desk showing how our bills would outweigh our income to the tune of over $400 if I were to quit and I remember Sam telling me to quit adding up numbers because it truly didn't make sense why God would want us to do this. We truly stepped out on faith for the first time.

The entire first year was ROUGH. We had to learn a totally different way of living. I've never been frugal because truthfully I never had to be but suddenly I had to learn and it was not easy for me to learn it. But without going into detail I can proudly say that we paid off more bills during that first year and a half then we ever did on two salaries it was still VERY hard to do and there were a quite a few bumps in the road, but we did it. By the time Peyton was born Sam had been blessed with increases at work and truthfully we were back to living pretty good. Oh and we learned how to live without credit cards (thank you so much Dave Ramsey!!!!!!!).

Why am I telling you this? Well I'm trying to set the scene I guess. It'd take all day to write a post on the nitty gritty details of that first year and a half. And truthfully we didn't know why God lead us in this direction and allowed us to have such hardships but neither Sam nor myself will ever deny the fact that it's what we felt God wanted us to do. I caught a lot of slack for being at home and it wasn't even because of what we were going through financially. Truthfully at the time we didn't tell anyone how hard that financial adjustment was. It wasn't until we were financially stable that we began sharing it a little. I caught a lot of slack because staying home in this day is really against the norm.

Now I can't argue whether a woman should work or not. In this day in age two incomes are almost needed to stay afloat. I understand that and with all the criticism I was getting I couldn't explain to people that this is truly what I felt called to do. And it was ironic that God lead us in this direction. I got my Bachelors in Computer Information Systems and for years after college I worked jobs I could care less about and then the week I got the job I always wanted, I found out I was pregnant with Nathan and then the internal struggle began. I loved my job, I loved my boss and the people I worked with. It was a great environment to work in. So why would God want me to leave it behind?

But being home has been the most fulfilling thing for me. Just this summer Sam and I were talking and looking back over the rough financial period we went through and I remember him saying, he'd do it all over again and I agreed with him. And again I couldn't explain to people that this is what God called me to do. I'm not talking about women even because when I would say that people would jump down my throat with the whole women's lib talk. I'm talking about me, LaToya - Sam and I prayed on it and being home is what I was meant to do.

Then Nathan gets cancer in January...You see God wasn't blindsided by Nathan's illness. Sam and I were but I truly believe God wasn't. Sam and I wondered why God would allow us to go through such a rough financial period and honestly before Nathan's cancer we were sailing. Life was great. Our bills were in order, we even have a savings! We figured out how to do this without struggling and then cancer. Sam and I don't understand much about why Nathan got cancer and a lot of things we'll never understand but we truly feel we understand this part of it.

"Aren't you glad you're home?" I've heard that a few times since Nathan's diagnosis and I don't think people can ever realize how glad I am that we listened to God's guidance back then. Had Nathan's cancer hit now, I would've had to quit my job immediately to take care of him. The only thing smooth about this whole diagnosis is that I was home already. We'd already set up this house around Sam's income and we'd had three years to make this set up work and it's been working well. Sam and I don't want to imagine how it would've been if we'd got a cancer diagnosis and on top of that tried now to live on one income, though we've talked about it and can't imagine how that would've worked.

This post isn't to say that every mother is to quit their job right now and go home. It also isn't suggesting that every mom is home because their child has the possibility of getting an illness in the future. It's just to say if you're ever in a situation where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is leading you in a direction (and sometimes that direction is uncomfortable) then don't be afraid to do what God's calling you to do.

I still don't like the fact that Nathan has cancer but truly there are situations like these where I have to give thanks. We didn't have to figure out who was going to take Nathan to his appointments, I didn't have to worry about a job, or losing income suddenly and for that I can't tell you how thankful Sam and I are. Quite a few of the families on Nathan's floor have one parent at home, either the mom or dad and as one mom told me "you have to be." And she's so right but sadly the economy is such that still others have to work and I know they feel torn and you do see young children and babies left alone. I remember the first week Nathan was in the hospital seeing a young girl around 11 pm roaming the halls. She was no more than 7 but she was there alone and I remember a nurse telling her "honey you have to stay in your room." I also remember seeing a 1 year old sitting behind the nurses station alone. One week when Nathan stayed he had a young room mate and I remember the doctors telling him they couldn't do anything until his mother got there and I remember this young child calling her telling her she had to come back out to the hospital. And let me stress to you these aren't bad people necessarily. Of course sadly there are cases of neglect but you can't just assume that's the case every time you see a child left alone. You don't know if it's a single parent home, or if the parents have to work. A lot of these people LOVE their children and it hurts them deeply to have to leave them on the cancer floor (or anywhere in the hospital I'm sure) but they truly have to work or have other children at home with no where to put them etc. and they need a lot of prayer.

Dear Lord,

I've been doing a ton of complaining lately and for that I'm sorry. But Lord I am thankful. I can complain all I want about having to go to these appointments with Nathan and it is hard to go, but Lord I'm sorry for not realizing the blessing in me being able to go. Lord you positioned Sam and me to be able to be there, every time Nathan has to go to the hospital we can take him. And Lord I never have to worry about leaving him alone to be somewhere else. When Sam and I found out Nathan was sick I didn't have to call and explain to anyone or report to anyone, you put me in a position to be able to concentrate on our son and his care. Lord forgive me for not acknowledging this sooner.

Lord thank you that my mother is home and Peyton's able to be with her and my father. Lord I'm comforted knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that they'll protect her in the same manner Sam and I would-with their very lives if need be. Thank you for Sam's manager being so supportive of Sam in this situation. Thank you for the flexibility he has at work.

You worked this out Lord and I thank you so much.

Lord I pray for the families that have to leave their children to handle other obligations for whatever reason. Some of these families don't want to do this and I know it has to hurt and who knows the criticism they may get from people who aren't in their shoes. Lord my heart goes out to them, it's hard enough having such a sick child but Lord I can't imagine the pain and guilt they must feel. Lord please comfort them and send them help. Lord they really need help. Before Nathan's cancer I didn't know about this world. I knew children with cancer were out there but I never knew what the families went through and I'm learning more and more every day.

Please continue to blanket Nathan with your comfort. Lord those first set of scans are coming up and I pray that this tumor goes away, in the mean time ease his pain and give him peace.

In Jesus Name

Publish Post

Amen

He Still Has a Chance

So Nathan couldn't get chemo this week. He was supposed to spend the night in the hospital but he had a mouth full of sores (which is a side affect from all of this medication). So his doctor didn't want him to have his chemo because one of the chemo drugs will make his existing mouth sores worse and more will come. So they want to give him several days so his mouth sores can heal. So he basically got a week off and because his blood counts were good the doctors gave the go ahead for him to participate in activities today so we decided to stop in at his old playgroup.

Now Nathan hasn't been to his playgroup in a long time. I'd talked to one of the grandmothers, who goes with her granddaughters, in February so the entire playgroup was already aware of Nathan's cancer. Nathan was so happy when we got in the parking lot and he walked in smiling, but when we got in the room he was a little hesitant to join the other children. In the past he would run straight to the group and start playing, but today he just kind of hung in the middle of the room staring, they'd rearranged the room so part of his apprehension could have been because everything looked different. One of the coordinators immediately grabbed his hand and took him over to the kitchen area to play and his hesitancy wore off really quick. It was so nice, he got to play with the water table (it had oatmeal in it the last time we were there) and he played in the kitchen area and just had a great time and didn't fuss when playtime was over.

One mom came up to me, Nathan and her son Mateo played together a lot when we used to come regularly, and she gave me a huge hug and asked how Sam and I were doing. She then gave me her home phone number and told me to call her and feel free to drop off Peyton if we ever needed a sitter and she stressed that she meant it and wasn't just talking. She then shared with me about a friend who's daughter is a cancer survivor and then she told me that she lost a child herself in between the two children she has (she had a three year old and an almost 1 year old). I wasn't expecting that. It's something how we see people so often and never know their backgrounds. Of course until now there never would've been a reason to bring it up.

She said her heart goes out to me and people in my situation who are dealing with a sick child because she understands the hurt. Her son was born without a brain. She said she knew when he was in the womb that he didn't develop one but her and her husband carried him anyway keeping hope alive that somehow the situation would be changed, but in the end he was born with out a brain and ultimately didn't survive. I asked her how she coped. I mean if you can meet this woman, she has so much joy and I've been around her a lot in the past at the playgroup and I can honestly say she's a wonderful mother, full of energy and I've truly never seen her down and I just had to ask how she got through it. And she told me she just had to take it one day at a time. She stressed how hard it was and how much she wrestled with how God could allow this to happen to a baby but eventually she found peace. Then she really ministered to me, I don't know if she knows how much but she started saying things that were in my head but I hadn't verbalized to anyone, but she said some things I'd been holding inside.

First she told me try not to worry too much about my other child. She said she knows a situation like this can cause a me to stress out over something happening to Peyton but don't do that, just trust God with her. It was like she was reading my mind. I pray for Peyton like I never prayed for her before and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I know some of it comes out of fear at times. I always ask God to blanket her with protection but now I'm very specific. I ask him to shield her from disease, from being kidnapped, from a fire, from car accidents, from falling down the steps, from peanut butter (hey I don't know if she's allergic or not yet), bee stings...seriously the list goes on and on but I plead with God to keep her intact now more than I ever have because I'm secretly not sure I can take something happening to another one of my children and when she said that it struck a nerve and made me realize I need to relax in this area and trust Christ.

Second and this kind of ties into the first. She said don't be afraid to have more children when the time is right. And when I do, she said don't be afraid you're not going to love them as much as the children I already have and too don't fear that they're going to be sick or handicapped, just trust God. Now this was important to me, for those of you who know Sam and me really well know that we really wanted two more children but after Nathan's cancer diagnosis, I gave up hope on that happening for so many reasons, it saddens me but I have so many fears over that. What if Nathan goes into remission and then comes out of remission and I'm pregnant or have a newborn, then how am I going to balance going to the hospital and taking care of a baby? Also I've thought, what if we were to lose Nathan, then could I really welcome a new child after the loss of another one and of course I thought what if the new baby gets sick. I've been ashamed to admit that on here and truthfully I've only discussed that with three people before this and I couldn't explain why I felt this way but when this mom spoke to me today it was if she read my mind and it comforted me knowing I'm not the only one who've had these similar fears. So I've placed the more children decision in God's hands, the time is not right, now of course, but it's up to him if we're to have more or not.

And lastly she reminded me that Nathan still has a chance and not to forget that. She said her and her husband knew when she was carrying their child that he really didn't stand a chance and she said she agonized over that but she said Nathan does. As long as he's here and as long as he's getting his chemo and he's had radiation and he's going to doctors appointments, then God is giving him a chance and she told me to keep fighting and hold on to that chance that God is giving him.

Dear Lord,

Did you set up this meeting with this mom today? It's like you were speaking to me through her. I've been keeping so much of what she said bottled up inside because I really couldn't explain to anyone why I felt that way or was having these thoughts and she really touched on a lot without me even saying a word.

Lord I've observed her in the past and have always admired her interactions with her little ones in the playgroup. I can't relate to what she's been through, Nathan's still here and I haven't experienced the loss of a child. She experienced such a huge loss in a very sad way but still she came up and ministered and shared it with me today. And all the many times we've been around each other, who knew that you'd use her in this way. Not only that, she has such obvious joy. I know what she went through was hard, she emphasized that but she also emphasized joy and as long as I've known her the joy is what I've always seen.

Lord I can't help but serve and love you. Even in difficult times you have these ways of bringing comfort. I'm constantly reminded that you haven't left. You promised you'd never leave me or forsake me and you've been true to your word. When I feel like quitting you send a reminder that you're still here. When I feel like you're far away you let me know that you're close. When I feel as if I'm alone, you remind me that I'm not.

Lord you remembered Hannah when she prayed and blessed her with Samuel, you remembered Noah in the ark and sent a wind to recede the waters, you heard the groaning of the Israelites and remembered your covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, you remembered Rachel and opened her womb, Lord you love Nathan and even though at times I feel that things are spiraling out of control you have a way of reminding me that you're still on your post and haven't left, you remember him, I know it.

Lord I know joy will come again someday. I know peace will be restored, no matter what but at times I need reminding of who you are and that you never forget. Thank you so much for giving Nathan a chance.

In Jesus Name
Amen

He's Gonna Live

So I told myself this past week that as long as Nathan is alive, he's going to live. The cancer has robbed him of so much but I promise that I'm going to make sure he has fun as often as possible. This past Wednesday I decided to take him to the zoo. He was so happy to be out. He wasn't feeling too well because of the radiation so he didn't walk much but it was still good to be out and since the zoo is so big and open it was easy to avoid crowds.

I heard a great program on Focus on the Family. It was actually an old broadcast dealing with childhoold cancer and I found it online and ordered it. One of the ladies lost her son when he was 8, he'd been dealing with cancer since he was 18 months old. She said something that struck me, she said that through it all she made sure that her son lived. If he was well enough to go somewhere then they went. She made sure that despite the pain, his life was still filled with good times.









Sam and I had a long talk on Thursday and we both feel we're on borrowed time now. Not saying we have a sense about what's going to happen truthfully we have no idea which is the hardest part about dealing with cancer. Some days are really great and we're so hopeful and others make us wonder what's going to happen. I don't get caught up with statistics at all anymore and I barely read about cancer and I have no desire to learn more about Rhabdomyosarcoma, it may not make sense to you but I learned all I really want to know about this disease anything else hasn't been of much benefit, if we start to question Nathan's treatment then i'll of course reasearch.

Truthfully I feel the outcome is specific to each individual, people do survive cancer and they survive the worst of cancers too. I've read about people who were told to go home and plan a funeral only to have the person recover and live long lives. So statistics mean nothing to me. Nathan and the rest of our family have life in us now so that's what we're focusing on.









I'm looking for a bigger stroller for Nathan, I've been blessed with an extremely tall child and his feet can touch the ground in most strollers and he's so long that his head hangs over the top and he gets too tired to walk when we're out so I'm going to get him the biggest stroller I can find so he can relax but still enjoy being out this summer. We're also fencing the yard and creating a mini playground in the back for him and Peyt. I'm also searching for more places for him that aren't confined or crowded but enjoyable for him and Peyt. I just got this new determination to enjoy life with him, Peyt, and Sam. As long as we're alive we're going to live.

Dear Lord,

Seriously we've all been kind of down lately. Nathan just completed radiation and Sam and I should be so happy about that but it's left us with an open wound. Please heal the wound, leave the scar to remind us of where you brought Nathan but please help heal the wounds. Nathan has gone through so much physical pain. Lord strengthen us once again. I know one day this will be a distant memory but it's hard to see past the present right now. We're sick of being on an emotional roller coaster. Lord I want Nathan to live but truthfully I'm concerned about him being in such physical pain. Lord I just ask that if you're going to continue to put him through pain that you'll let him be one of the survivors let it be worth something. Please let him grow old, please don't rob Peyton of her brother or Sam and I of a son. Lord let him stay here, allow him more time, allow him to outlive me. Lord I know who you are and I know you can do this. You alone control every breath we take. All you have to do is speak and things will be as you say. There is none like you and no one greater than you. Lord gives us peace and help us to accept your will for Nathan no matter what that is. You watched your only son suffer, you know what this feels like. Lord I can't add a single hour to Nathan's life by worrying, help us to have peace once again.

In Jesus name
Amen
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Privilege to Suffer for Him

For It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him.
Philippians 1:29

So I got to go to church today and it's the first time I've been back since Nathan's diagnosis. I was a little nervous about going, lately I cry so easily and I don't have that glamorous dainty cry that women on t.v. have, it's more that snot running down my face kinda thing but I planned on holding it together. But I cried as soon as I got through the door which was funny because out in the parking lot I was really good.

So much has changed since Nathan's diagnosis and in a way you begin to mourn those changes. Not being at church has been hard and I cried at seeing so many familiar faces. Seriously I haven't seen my church family since last year before all of this and oh my goodness it felt good to see them today and to know that so many prayers are going up for Nathan. And they even prayed for Nathan today at church, to know that so many people in one room were in agreement in prayer concerning my child...I can't even put into words what that feels like.

Well today is Palm Sunday and Pastor Maiden preached about suffering. He started preaching at John 12 where Jesus is making that triumphal entry and he preached about suffering because as you know our Lord died a horrific death for us. It was definitely a sermon I needed to hear.

I accepted Christ as Lord when I was 23. I went to church my entire life but it wasn't until age 23 when I finally acknowledged Jesus as Lord and asked Him to come live in my heart and so began the walk. I was in the process of losing my job due to cutbacks at the time I got saved and during that month off I listened to Moody radio and started seeking God for the first time in my life and I learned early on that accepting Christ didn't mean I'm was going to sail through life on this cloud, though I guess even though I learned that I still secretly hoped this was the case.

As our Pastor was preaching I leaned over to my friend and whispered I still don't want to suffer I want to sail through this walk and get a million dollars and a brand new S-Class on top of that. But reality is even if I were to get that stuff, there's still going to be suffering in this Christian walk and I'm so thankful for my Pastor and for the many ministries on Moody radio that tell the truth. We need to know that. So many people are quick to leave Christ when something goes astray instead of clinging to him with all of their might. We as a people have our own ideologies of what this life should entail and suffering is not a part of it. But Christ said that in this world there will be suffering. There's no way around it. And all of our suffering is different. Mine came in the form of a child with cancer and truthfully if God gives me a lot more years on this earth, this isn't going to be the last bit of suffering I feel.

The greatest thing I love about being a Christian is that I have so much hope. I get weary all the time right now but the hope still remains. I was listening to Focus on the Family this past week and Ann Graham Lotz was on preaching about Heaven and I just sat in awe listening. It's more beautiful than I could ever fathom. She preached from John 14 and in there God said that in His house are many rooms and when Thomas asked how do we get to this place He told us, that He is the Way the Truth and the Life. It's through Him that we'll get there.

Truthfully when I first started writing this blog I was only going to talk about my good days but then decided to include the bad. Some days truly stink and at times I'm angry and just a lot of stuff and I wonder a lot why Nathan had to be the one. But I have to tell anyone it's a privilege to know God. Things aren't easy but I love having a Savior like Christ, who understands suffering himself. A God who cares about all the little things I share with Him. I don't know if you realize it or not but in this situation even though Sam and I lean on each other for support it's not like one is going through more than the other. In other words it's not a situation where I broke my foot and I'm leaning on Sam to comfort me. Nathan is equally our child and though we rely on each other heavily there's times when neither of us have strength to offer the other one. I'm telling you now if I'd entered into a situation like this without my Lord I don't think I could make it.

Now I think the hardest part of being a parent is watching your child suffer, whether that be cancer, or bullying, etc. I may have said this before but now I truly understand why parents have refused to allow their children to continue getting cancer treatments. I've seen the stories on the news of parents on the run to avoid allowing any more chemo or radiation. I'm not saying it's right but I do fully understand now. Radiation is BRUTAL and hard to watch. Nathan has 4 more days and we're praying so hard he makes it through and then still he has almost a year left of chemo treatments and other therapies. Yeah I want to take him and run to. I want to tell the doctors enough, his body has already taken enough. It's hard accepting that to get better he has to get worse. It's just hard but even listening to our Pastor today I realized that Nathan isn't going to be exempt from suffering in this world. I obviously can't protect him from this. And I guess I needed to realize today that this suffering is going to include him as well. I wish I could take this away from him, I really do. But I do realize that God's will at some point is going to be made perfect, whether Nathan survives this or not God's will is going to be made perfect. He hadn't lost control when He died on the cross. Many probably felt He did, Satan probably thought He won but if you look back Jesus had been saying all along what he was going to do on that third day. He rose, he was in control and He still is even to this day.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for today. Thank you for the sermon reminding me what a privilege it is to suffer for you. I may not always agree with that and surely I don't always see it that way especially when going through difficult situations but to know that you are in control of this situation still brings comfort. I don't know what I would do without you. Being able to come to you with every little thing has been getting me through this. Thank you for my church and for the prayers going up for Nathan. You said where two or more are gathered in your name you are in the midst. I know you're hearing us Lord. I know you are. Thank you for hope even in the midst of struggle. Thank you so much for the being able to serve you.

In Jesus Name
Amen.

I Want to Meet her

So anyway when Nathan was first diagnosed with an ear infection on January 5th, the Doctor that day also recommended that he visit a Developmental Specialist. She recommended a Doctor named Dr. Nancy (I'll keep her last name private for this blog) and told us she was the best in the state of Ohio. Well come to find out she was so good her next available appointment was October...2010. So we made the appointment and they sent us a huge packet to fill out. Nathan was then diagnosed with the cancer before we could fill out the packet.

Fast forward to present day. I mentioned because of the effect cancer has on young children the Oncology team recommend they see a Developmental Specialist as well as a Psychologist. The child development department is really hard to get through to, even for us but we told Nathan's Oncologist about the scheduled appointment and even showed her the packet we had. She'd been trying for two weeks to get in touch with them through email and phone calls but couldn't get through. The lady Nathan is to see is supposed to be really good so they're trying to move up an appointment with her due to his current situation. Nathan's Oncologist called yesterday to let us know she decided to just walk over to the building to talk to them in person. She got there and explained the situation and they told her to have me bring in the packet today.

So today I go to the building to drop off the paper work and I must say I'm quite impressed with Nathan's doctor for walking there because it is not a close walk, as a matter of fact Nathan and I drove. The building was beautiful and as we were walking to the Child Development office I passed a woman in a business suit and a sudden thought popped into my head, "what if that's Dr. Nancy." I was only expecting to drop the paperwork off with the receptionist and leave but after seeing that woman, it got me thinking and I quickly prayed saying, "Lord I'd really like to meet this Doctor today." Right after that prayer we found the office.

We got in around 11:30 am and the lobby was empty except one other lady waiting. I rang the bell that was there because there was no receptionist and then a lady appeared at the desk, "can I help you? What time is your appt?" I then explained to her why I was there to drop off the paperwork and let her know Nathan's Oncologist had been in the day before, etc, etc. and I said he has an appointment with Dr. Nancy in October but we were hoping to move it up. And then the lady looked at me and said, "I am Dr. Nancy, I don't know where the receptionist is so I decided to come up when I heard the bell." I was shocked and in my head I immediately began praising and thanking the Lord. Here is this woman who is so good that everyone including Nathan's Oncologist has a hard time getting in touch with, yet God delivers her right in front of us.

She then took the paperwork and came out and kneeled in front of Nathan to meet him and told him she knows he's been through a lot. She asked me a few questions about the paperwork and off she went to check something, I then prayed that she could see him today really quick lol but God must have felt that was enough for one day because her schedule wouldn't allow it. She then came back and said that she'll have someone call us to schedule but she'd be going over the paperwork. But I left there so pumped because God heard that little simple prayer!!!

Lord we come to you so thankful today! You are a God who cares about our little prayers. Thank you so much for letting us meet Dr. Nancy today. Even though I said that prayer I truthfully felt the odds were against it but I should know now that nothing is too big for you. Thank you for Dr. Nancy being able to kneel down in front of Nathan today. Thank you that out of all the other doctors there (about 5), she happened to be the one to hear the bell and come out to the front desk. Lord I thank you that instead of handing that paperwork to a receptionist, I was able to hand it directly to the doctor. Lord you are so good. I pray that Nathan's appointment can be moved up. I pray that the phone will ring soon with a new appointment. Lord thank you that a doctor with her expertise is so close to us.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Poem

I just wanted to share this poem one of my husband's aunts sent it to us and it is beautiful. I'm not sure who wrote it.

I just got word that one of my aunts died suddenly today of cardiac arrest, please pray for her children and grandchildren.

In The Valley I Grow


Sometimes life seems hard to bear
Full of sorrow, trouble, and woe,
It's then I have to remember
..that it's in the valleys I grow.


If I always stayed on the mountain top
..and never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.


I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.


I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow.


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Who's in control

I'm reading an interesting chapter in James Dobson's book "When God Doesn't Make Sense" (a must read by the way). Dobson uses the story of the disciples in the boat, you remember the one where a furious squall came about and the disciples became afraid and Jesus was asleep in the boat while this was going on. The disciples woke Jesus up asking Him to save them, before quieting the storm Jesus said to his disciples, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"(Matthew 8:23-26). Did you catch what I just said? BEFORE the storm was calmed Jesus says "why are you so afraid?"

Dobson gives a good commentary, he says "fear and faith do not ride together in the same boat. And He wanted them (the disciples) to trust Him even when facing death."

See this is why I love the word of God so much, though I've read that passage many times it just struck me that Jesus questioned them before calming the storm.

Our storm isn't over, it's actually still ramping up yet I'm amazed at the amount of peace Sam and I have been given. A lot of things about that story sticks out to me. Jesus then rebukes the storm and the disciples had to wonder in amazament who this man was that even the winds and waves obey him (Matthew 8:27).

I look at Nathan's cancer realizing that God is so powerful, He can speak to those cancer cells making them go away and they'd have no choice but to obey Him. He spoke this whole world into existence. As we're going through this chemo and radiation I constantly remind myself of who's the captain of this ship.

As I learn more about this cancer I've totally dedicated Nathan to Christ. Trusting Him with our son's life and actually it's brought me some relief. I can sleep again, smile, laugh, move ahead. I'm not leaning towards my own understanding anymore.

So many wonderful things have happened already, Nathan's eye is doing so much better. At times it almost look normal. I try to make going to the clinic a fun experience and Nathan seems to look forward to going there and since I know how vital this place is to his recovery I've been changing my attitude about going to. I'm actually thankful to be in Cleveland now, our hospital is amazing, and despite the circumstances I'm glad to have met the people we've met. I can't say enough good things about the medical team, I just thank God for them and pray for them.

Nathan has been doing pretty well the last few weeks, he gets tired more than he used to but that's to be expected. Peyton really keeps him going, I'm so thankful for that little girl and her innocence in this situation. We treat Nathan so delicate, yet she still whacks him with her foam sword :-)

Lord I just thank you Father for watching over Nathan. Lord, he's come such a long way since this started. I thank you for University Hospitals, I thank you for the Doctors, nurses, LPN's, child life specialists, and the secretaries. All of the people involved Lord I thank you for them and again Lord I lift up Nathan before you, I place him in your care Lord, I pray that you heal his little body. And Lord it's hard for me as his mother to always know what he's thinking but you know him better than me. You created him and you know him. I pray that you be his comfort as he goes through this, give him peace Father, remove any fear his little heart may feel. Go with him as he gets radiation. Take control of the doctors and nurses who'll be working on him. And Lord help us to continue to seek you first in everything we do. In Jesus name!

Amen
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Nathan's Cancer, what happened?

A lot of you are to waiting to hear from me just to know what happened. What lead to Nathan being diagnosed with Cancer?

SATURDAY January 2, 2010

This is my day to sleep in. Sam came into the room with Nathan and they both had their coats on. He showed me a lump under Nathan's left ear. "Have you seen this?" I hadn't. He told me that he'd already called the doctor and that he was taking Nathan in.

I prayed because the lump looked really weird. It was huge and hard. Sam called me on the way from the doctors office saying that it was a severe ear infection and medicine was prescribed. The lump was from the infection pushing up against the ear drum causing fluid build up.

So Sam picks up the prescription and they come home. Nathan is still acting normal. Life continues.

THURSDAY January 7, 2010

Nathan had begun waking up during the night. Sam and I have never had an ear infection so we're figuring he'd been waking up from that. We talked to several people who told us they can be very painful and it just made sense.

I went into his room though early Thursday morning and it looked as though he had a stroke...it was very slight, I almost couldn't see it, but something was drooping, so I called Sam in to confirm and again the doctor was called.

Nathan was taken back to the doctor and diagnosed with Bell's Palsey. A condition where the face can become semi paralyzed due to an infection. Also his prescription was increased. We went home and of course I jumped on the internet because I'd never heard of this and I found it. Bell's Palsey can occur after an infection. Makes sense.

The new prescription given was supposed to be a 10 day prescription. I was told he should gradually begin to get better. We were told though that the Bell's Palsey would talk awhile to heal. A follow up appointment was made for January 19, 2010,

THE NEXT WEEK STARTS

Nathan slowly started acting worse. We were told that the prescription would knock out the ear infection and that we could give him tylenol for pain. The fussiness should begin to go down.

Again Sam and I have never had an ear infection and we talked to a lot of people who did that week and they said that they are excruitiating.

Over the next week Nathan quit sleeping. He quit eating. Actually he went in the cupboard and found some old baby food and begged for it and I gave it to him (I didn't even know it was in there). He was being potty trained and doing well at it but he quit wanting to do that.

TUESDAY January 12, 2010

Nathan was walking around the house begging to be carried crying almost constantly...It didn't make sense. Then he went and laid on the couch, something he NEVER does. So I called the doctor and they said to bring him in at 4:00 pm. I got off the phone and called Sam at work. While I was on the phone with Sam Nathan pops off the couch and starts walking around. Ok, I thought maybe I'm overreacting. I've never had an ear infection, maybe I should just wait until the follow up appointment. So I call back and cancel the appt.

WEDNESDAY January 13, 2010

Sam looks at Nathan late that night and questions the movement of his eye. Not sure but it looks like it's moving incorrectly on the side that has Bell's Palsey. Nathan has quit sleeping in his room and started sleeping in between us. His ear infection seemed so bad that we figured we'd let him sleep with us now and just break the habit later. It seemed to be helping him having him sleep in between us.

That night I give him some tylenol and we all go to bed.

THURSDAY January 14, 2010

Nathan is waking up every 20 minutes holding his head crying screaming "Help Baba!" Scares us half to death. We rock him and he's able to go back to sleep.

At 6:00 am we wake up (Sam's working from home this day) and we have a long talk. "Sam to me he's getting worse not better" Sam tells me "But by my understanding ear infections are pretty painful" I say "I know but I'm not comfortable" Sam says "Then we'll call again."

I call his doctor and he tells us to bring him in again, he may be resistent to the medication, which happens. So Sam takes him.

Sam said that when he got there the doctor checked his ear and said "that's funny, his ear infection actually looks better..." Sam told him about all of the personality changes we've been noticing. Then Sam said "Dr. get down in front of him and move in front of him so that his eyes follow you because it looks to us that his eye isn't moving correctly." The doctor does it and Sam said his entire demeanor changed. He said that has nothing to do with Bell's Palsey or an ear infection and he stepped out to make a few phone calls.

Sam was then sent to Marymount hospital for an emergency CT scan. He called me on the way and I started praying. After a horrible week and him saying what had happened so far, I knew in my gut that something was seriously wrong with Nathan.

About 2 hours later Sam called and said "what are you doing? Whatever it is drop it and meet me at Dr. Yeh's office right now, they found something on the CT scan" He said that the doctor doing the scan didn't even let it run for more than two minutes before he shut it down and called our doctor and then told Sam to go back to our pediatricians office because something was found.

I was hysterical. Literally. I called my neighbor and she sent her daughter to get Peyton and another little girl I was babysitting and I did 80 mph all the way to the doctors office.

When I got there the entire office was empty, cleared out for us. The receptionist sent me back to where our pediatrician was with Sam and Nathan. When I saw Sam I knew something was seriously wrong. My husband NEVER cries and tears were streaming.

Our doctor briefly explained that we were to go home and pack our bags and head out to University Hospitals where an Oncologist was waiting. ONCOLOGIST????? WHAT???? Why is an Oncologist waiting for us??? I started asking him what it was they found but he said that they didn't know other than it was a huge mass in his head. Everything else he said was a complete blur.

I remember walking out of that office crying, the receptionist grabbed me and hugged me but I didn't care.

I got in the care and called my father in tears and he said they were already on the highway.

My parents reached the house when we did and got Peyton, we packed quickly and went to the hospital.

We were admitted onto the pediatric Oncology floor.

FRIDAY January 15, 2010

Nathan is put to sleep to undergo an MRI and more detailed CT scan. Whatever this mass is, it's growing pretty fast.

We met a huge team of doctors etc. Cleveland may be known as one of the poorest cities in the country but it ranks at the top in medical care. One of the best pediatric neurosurgeon's in the world is at University Hospitals so as far as medical care went I knew we were in the best spot for this horrible situation...but I still didn't want to be here.

Later that night we sat with the Oncologist and met the Ear Nose Throat Surgeon and his team. A biopsy was going to be done in the morning on Nathan's mass and we had to be told about the risks.

The Oncologist then sat and talked to us. He told us, it's actually unethical for him to tell us this but based on the mass and the way it was pushing through Nathan's bone he's more than positive it's malignant. I broke down crying immediately. I didn't want to hear this!!!!! My son is three!!!!! Cancer!!!!!! This happens to other people! Not us! I planned this family! It's perfect! He has to be wrong!!!!

The doctor left to give us some time to digest this. When he came back he walked in with Dr. Barksdale...(Yes world renowned Dr. Barksdale). Our Oncologist introduced him to us. The reason why they were telling us tonight that they thought the tumor was malignant was because they wanted to move forward with putting in a metaport right after they did the biopsy. Dr Barksdale would do this. What they would do is take tissue samples and look under the microscope and if it was malignant they would put in the metaport (device used for chemo therapy). The reason they wanted to do this is because Nathan's mass was extremely aggressive and growing rapidly. Waiting to put in the metaport would delay chemotherapy. No matter what we had to wait until Tuesday January 19, 2010 when we got the exact name of the cancer but when they come back with a diagnosis they can immediately start chemo. If we wait on the metaport that would delay chemo because we would have to have surgery again to have the metaport put in. It was left up to us.

Believe it or not this was a hard decision for us. I knew before the biopsy that the tumor was malignant. Our Oncologist said he hopes he's wrong and we did too, but honestly I already knew in my gut he was right. But actually moving forward with a metaport was hard for me to accept. We felt like by saying yes we were accepting cancer before it was actually stated, so honestly we talked about this all night. In the end we decided to have the metaport put in. If this turned out to be cancer and if it was as bad as the doctors are saying then we'd rather not have chemo delayed by another surgery so we gave the doctors our consent to put in the metaport.

SATURDAY January 16, 2010

The morning of the biopsy. The Ear Nose Throat doctor came to talk to us before Nathan's surgery and showed us his MRI...

This mass is huge. So big that it's pushing everything in his head over to the right. When we got to the hospital one of the questions we were constantly asked was "how was Nathan breathing at home?" Now I understood why we kept being asked that. Another couple of weeks and he wouldn't have been breathing at all. EVERYTHING was being pushed over. They estimate the tumor hadn't been there long but it was growing fast which is why we saw such a change in his personality so quickly.

Nathan was then taken off to surgery. I started feeling sick. I went out into the hall and I just cried, I didn't care who saw me, it's like no one else existed. I just cried. The week, Nathan had fought me when getting his teeth brushed. I honestly thought it was a toddler being bad. It wasn't though. It was because it really really hurt him to have his teeth brushed. He had been in that amount of pain and I really as his mom didn't know it and that hurt me so bad. I'm supposed to protect him right? I'd made an appointment on Tuesday. Why did I cancel it???? I was inconsolable. Later on a nurse who'd passed me came and gave me a huge hug. She said she'd saw me earlier and didn't want to impose but she knew that I needed that...and I did.

After surgery Nathan was so weak. Our son is strong. He's tall for his age, handsome and he hardly ever gets sick. It was too much for Sam who cried again. I'm not used to seeing tears out of Sam, all of it was so overwhelming.

The Oncologist came and confirmed our worst fears. The Tumor in Nathan was malignant.

SUNDAY January 17, 2010

This was supposed to be a day of just waiting. But at three in the morning Nathan was up crying and I called his name from right in front of him but he wouldn't look at me. In fact it looked as if he was searching for me even though I was holding him. Sam and I called the doctors in and asked them if he was losing his sight, it'd never occurred to me before but suddenly it dawned on me that it was possible for Nathan to lose his sight and that scared me.

The doctors came in and said he could be acting that way because he was disoriented and on morphine but they weren't taking any chances and ordered an emergency CT scan at 4 am to make sure the tumore hadn't moved. There wasn't time to sedate Nathan for it and he did great. Thankfully the tumor hadn't grown.

Later that morning two Optometrist came to check Nathan's eyes. To make sure the left eye was still responding (his tumor is pushing against that nerve) and to make sure the right eye isn't being affected. So far everything checked out good. But he did tell me there is a possibility that Nathan could lose sight in his left eye.

MONDAY January 18, 2010

Nathan has to get a bone scan and a spinal tap as well as bone marrow taken to check and see if the cancer has spread. Also while he's sedated the Optometrist Oncologist is going to check his eyes.

TUESDAY January 19, 2010

Results day. Dr. Amma, Dr. Sterns, and Barb (NP) come in to tell us what kind of cancer Nathan has.

Rhabdomyosarcoma. A rare cancer that strikes only about 350 children a year, most commonlin children under the age of 6. This is a total nightmare. I began to feel so sick. I wanted to wake up. But I couldn't.

Survival rate is 65%. This isn't happening. Nathan's is in a spot that is inoperable. The plan is 43 weeks of chemo and 4 weeks of radiation. Prayerfully the radiation knocks it out or at least minimizes it so much that there's a chance to operate.

WEDNESDAY January 20, 2010

A Pet scan was done to determine if it's spread to any organs.

THURSDAY January 21, 2010

Nathan has his first day of Chemo therapy (from which he got really sick)

TODAY

And that's where we're at right now. Nathan has stage 3 Rhabdomyosarcoma. So far there isn't any evidence that it spread anywhere else, but it's in a very bad critical spot.

It's important to note that his pediatrician never mis diagnosed him in the beginning. Nathan DID have a severe ear infection, he DID have Bell's palsey and Sam and I count those two things as blessings in disguise, if that hadn't happened then who knows how much more this tumor would have grown before we caught it

So here we are. People ask how we are. Our three year old has cancer, we're horrible. It's hard to comprehend and it's hard to grasp. I'm learning what's important in life. We say we know, but trust me you really don't until that life is being compromised. Nothing else matters right now because my worst fears have already come true. Every other problem seems small right now. Nathan's speech problems...not such a big deal anymore. Half the time I don't even know what day it is. All the money in the world means nothing. I only want one thing and that's for our son to be healed. I want him to grow up and outlive me. I could care less about money, no matter how much, I don't care about a bigger house, a better school district. Absolutely nothing. I wouldn't be able to enjoy those things if Nathan isn't here to enjoy them with us.

Know this though, for those of you taking this hard as well. God is in control. Even though it may seem as if He's silent. He's in total control. No matter what He decides, whether He heals Nathan or not, He's still in control. He loves Nathan, more than Sam and I ever could and He hasn't left and He never will. I don't want anyone hearing our situation to start to doubt our faith or your faith in all of this. We serve a mighty God. Bad things happen on this earth and unfortunately they're going to continue to happen. If this hadn't happened to us it would've happened to someone else. And I'm learning there's a TON of Someone else's out there. Truthfully our son's situation can go one of two ways. But I do know that God is loving, He is gracious, He is Alpha and Omega and even though we don't understand all of this we do rest assured that He knows our pain (don't forget He watched His son suffer and die on the cross) and He hasn't left. No one enters into the Kingdom except through Him. God is the only one who can heal. We have a wonderful medical team and Cleveland leads the way with the nations best hospitals but even that doesn't matter if God decides not to heal Nathan. I pray He does. No one prays that more than Sam and I. No one wants to see our children grow up and live life more than us. But NO MATTER WHAT know that God is real, He loves us and He still hears.

God Bless

Miracles

I was reading the Bible today and for some reason a passage stuck out to me:

46Once more he visited Cana in Galilee where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. 47When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death. 48"Unless, you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe.". 49The royal official said "Sir, come down before my child dies. ". 50Jesus replied, "you may go. Your son will live." The man took Jesus at his word and departed. 51 While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. 52When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, "the fever left him yesterday at the seventh hour." 53Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus said to him "your son will live." So he and all his household believed. John 4:46-53

Now the verse that most stuck out to me today was 48. To dig a little deeper I went to my MacArther Bible Commentary for an explanation, here's how he explains it:

48 Unless you people see signs and wonders. The "you" is plural. Jesus addresses these words to the Galileans as a whole and not just to the nobleman. The response of the Galileans was fundamentally flawed because it disregarded the person of Christ and centered in the need for a constant display of miraculous signs. Such an attitude represents the deepest state of unbelief.

Now let's look at another story:

5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, " my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering." 7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him." 8The Centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the king will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 13 then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.". And his servant was healed at that very hour. Matthew 8:5-13

The thing that really just grabbed me was in John the man didn't believe until the miraculous sign was done. Do we realize who our God is?? Do we really? (I'm including myself in this 'we'). Do you have any idea the amount of people God has healed from cancer???This is huge to us, but to God it's nothing. He told Lazarus to come forth, goodness He raised himself from the dead even. We don't need to question God's ability. I just like to read the Gospels sometimes just to remind myself of who I serve.

I've always loved Matthew 6, now it's taking on a new meaning. The Lord covers so much in that chapter but I especially like starting at verse 25 where the Lord tell us not to worry. And He didn't make it optional which always struck me as odd. How can we not worry???? But in verse 33 He gives us our answer, He said to seek Him first. Instead of pondering or worrying we're supposed to spend time we'd waste on that seeking Him.

And you know what, so far I've found it helpful. I thought before if I ever was in a situation like this I'd go crazy. I truly thought an issue like this would do that. Sam and I were just talking yesterday about this and believe it or not the conversation was around "how are we still standing?"

For those of you who are truly praying for my family please continue. I was talking to my friend yesterday and she asked if I had peace because that's what she's been praying for, that the Lord will give me peace. At first I'm thinking , I still don't have peace but then it hit me after we got off, I actually did sleep sound the last three nights, there's been a TON of laughter this week even through two hospital visits and truthfully I don't dwell on this situation, I do think about it of course but Sam and I are moving forward...yes I'm starting to feel better. So those of you praying, it's getting heard, please don't get disappointed if God doesn't answer our prayers the way we may want.

I'm loving our Savior right now, this situation stinks but He's teaching Sam and me so much. We thought we already knew but there's so much we just didn't know that we're learning through this. I'm reading back through Matthew and John I'm looking at not only how God healed but the way people approached him. We often quote how God healed the blind man but what did he say to him in the process. What did Jesus say to the man lowered in on the mat? How did he address Mary and Martha when he arrived at Lazarus's tomb? And too don't you know God could've stopped the beheading of John the Baptist??

We're talking about God who created the heavens and the earth just by speaking. The same God who rebuked the winds and the waves.

I truthfully just started this ride I have no clue how hard the journey is going to get and honestly I'm not going to spend too much time thinking that far ahead anymore. But I'm comforted knowing who's in control of this situation and that He's not only going on this ride with us but commanding the ship.
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