I Need Constant Reminders

Dear Lord,

I need constant reminders lately of who you are and what you're capable of. I long to be close to you right now just because that's where I find my strength and my comfort.

It's been a long year. A really long year. I'm stuck in a weird place right now. I've given everything to you. Everything that is important and that I hold dear is yours.

I've seen a lot. I know of two babies that have gone home to be with you. I've met more families coming in just finding out their children have cancer and I'm having a hard time with that. Everytime I hear their stories I have flashbacks to January and it saddens me that this is happening to other families. The pain of it all still comes back to me even months later.

Everything lately has been a faith walk. I'm scared about what next year is going to bring but at the same time I'm comforted that I can cast those worries and concerns on you.

But Lord, I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to live the rest of our lives in fear. I truly want to live. I want to give those fears to you and just plain live. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.

I truly don't know what the future holds for Nathan or the rest of our family but I know you hold the future.

I wish other people could know you Lord, I really do. I truly couldn't have made it through this year without you. All the nights I cried, you were there. All the days I didn't have anyone to talk to you were there.

Becoming a child of God didn't make my life easier. But you never guaranteed a cake walk, I was just hoping for one.

But Lord you promised never to leave us or forsake us. In the midst of our trials you have been here. Your promises are true.

When we didn't feel like we could get up, you extended your hand. You've carried this family.

I've learned that my children are not my own. I've learned that in the midst of the worst trials you are with Nathan. When I can't go into some rooms with him, I take comfort knowing you are always with him.

I've learned that EVERY child is a blessing. Someone said to me, that if most people knew what parenting entailed, then they wouldn't become parents. But Lord you gave me Nathan and my life is better because I have him in it. All the trials he's been through, Lord I still love him and I'm so thankful you chose us to be his parents. I wouldn't trade him or Peyton for any amount of money. Thank you for letting a 3 year old teach me so much about life.

I pray that people will accept you as their Lord and Savior. I take great comfort knowing that if something was to happen to my children or Sam that though it'll hurt like crazy, I'll see them again one day.

There is no other way to be saved but through you. Thank you for dying for me. Thank you for dying for my husband and children. Thank you for loving us as much as you do.

Please continue to bring us comfort and strength. I don't want to forget what you've done. It's so easy to forget but Lord I don't want to forget. I really don't want to forget.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Change

"I'm pretty strong but at times I still cry. I get alone in a room and I let it all out and after that I feel better until the time comes where I have to do it all over again..."

Nathan and I had the pleasure of sharing his hospital room with an amazing 11 year old boy named Isaiah. Now for those of you who don't know, the Oncology and Hematology departments are joined at the children's hospital. So a lot of kids there either have cancer or a chronic blood disease. Without getting into too much detail, Isaiah has a blood disease where he doesn't stop bleeding. It's hard to explain but it's very painful, not only does he have times where his blood counts are extremely low which always leaves him at a huge risk for infection but another danger is if he gets a cut he doesn't stop bleeding, and his blood flows differently which can be pretty painful. Now we as parents know our children are going to fall at some point but imagine knowing that if they get the slightest cut, it can mean an extended hospital stay. Truthfully the same goes for Nathan if his blood counts are low, which they often are and it's a very scary filling. Now let me throw a monkey wrench in this story. Isaiah is 11 and has a 21 year old brother with the exact same thing...his parents have been basically living in the hospital for 21 years.

Isaiah was so sweet, he immediately smiled and waved when he entered the room. And he was very caring, Nathan is given a steroid with his chemo. For those of you who don't know, steroids are something else to witness. I know we've all read about people on them but reading and seeing are two different things. Picture your child having a temper tantrum literally all day long. The least little thing is upsetting. For those of you who pride yourselves on being 'strict disciplinarians' well you can throw that crap out the window when your toddler is on a steroid, it doesn't work because they can't control what they're feeling, yelling, whooping, time outs forget it. Anyway that's what was going on on our side of the room and my heart went out to Nathan and Isaiah because I knew they weren't getting any rest. Finally a room opened up and Nathan was able to be moved to his own room and when I went to say goodbye to Isaiah and his mom they literally begged us to stay (no kidding). Isaiah told me "I don't mind, I really don't, I actually would like to come play with him when I'm feeling better." His mother was praying for Nathan and they showed so much compassion.

It was funny because Isaiah's mom was blown away by how calm I was with Nathan as he was screaming and crying from the steroid, she said "I admire the fact that throughout all of that you kept a calm even voice." LOL truthfully it probably sounded better than it looked (she was on the other side of the curtain) and I wish I could pat myself on the back, though I think a lot of the calmness was due to the fact I was in the hospital and not at home where I could 'let loose' and yell or cry lol. I told her how much I admired Isaiah for how he seemed to be handling his illness. It changes all of us and in some ways I don't want to be who I was before this whole ordeal began.

Isaiah's mom told me that no matter how strong she gets, she still breaks down and cry and after she gets it out she feels better. And truthfully the same goes for me. I feel stronger to be honest with you. This cancer has made me stronger as a mom and as a wife. It tore me apart so much to hear this diagnosis that I don't think much else can phase me (though I don't want that statement challenged either). I had a ton of self doubt as a parent and truthfully it used to really hurt my feelings when I'd get questioned on my son's speech and him being 'different.' Nathan's Oncologist said that cancer will change our family, whether our child is a survivor or not it will change us. I'm sure that change isn't complete yet. But I'm slowly starting to become the parent that I always prayed to be. My son isn't perfect but he's absolutely perfect for me and honestly I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I know based off of God's word that there's a purpose in all of this madness. Psalm 139 makes that clear. No matter what happens this isn't without purpose. My prayer is that Nathan is healed and will one day stand in front of people and tell them what God did for him. I want to thank people who've always seen the potential in him, who were able to look past his handicap and see Nathan. I want to be like them because they've meant so much in our lives. And truly I look at it different now, if all people see when they look at Nathan is that he's not verbal, well that's their handicapp and their problem.

I had a long talk with Isaiah's mom too. The one thing I'll miss when this is over is the people I've met. Lately when I'm outside of the hospital I feel like a fish out of water. This is something that's shared across the board with other parents of these children. For some reason when we arrive on the hospital floor it's such a mixed feeling of emotions. On one hand there's sadness that we have to keep coming back on the other hand there's a certain indescribable comfort in being around other people who truly 'get' what the other is going through and feeling. One mom asked me, "does this all still feel like a bad dream to you or is it just me?" No, it's all of us. It's a very different environment. There's washers and dryers and everyone pretty much knows everyone else. The nurses, doctors, admins, LPN's, janitors, child life specialist - all become family. Nathan runs and hugs them and they usually kiss the top of his head.

And I'll share this too, I'd already mentioned before that Nathan was diagnosed with Apraxia of speech in April. But even before the cancer diagnosis he's always had speech issues and as parents we used to have the hardest struggles dealing with outside people. Except for a few close family members, most people didn't know how to react to that..."He's not talking yet???!!!!! Is he Autistic???? Does he have behavioral problems???" It was so hard as a parent especially when faced with parents who's children did everything 'early' or 'on time' and they could not grasp the concept that children are different. And I can't begin to tell you the criticism that we faced because of it. Though we were actively getting Nathan tested and help, we were always questioned on "why we weren't doing anything?" (very insulting) We were told what he needed, etc. etc and though all of the advice wasn't bad it was still a struggle. There were only three types of people who were understanding; those who had a child with delayed speech, those who truly understood that God made all of us different and those who were around Nathan for extended periods of time and realized despite his language delays he excelled in every other area.

I get a little emotional at times because when Nathan went into the hospital on January 14th except for close family members it was the first time he was around people who treated him 'normal' from the get go. It's as if they didn't even notice he had a speech delay or didn't care. I remember his first experience with the child life specialist and she was showing him how to use syringes on a toy doll they have and she talked to him just like she would talk to any other child. She didn't slow her speech, or talk extremely loud, or repeat herself over and over, she picked up really quickly that Nathan may have a speech issue but nothing else was wrong with him (except cancer of course). But I always remember her joking saying it only takes one time for Nathan to get something.

Nathan's speech therapist is the exact same way. She's been so patient and caring and he's making huge strides, this last time he was at the hospital for chemo the nurses were blown away at the things he's starting to say. That's another thing that's kind of fun is sharing these precious moments with others. Not many people can be around as he makes his progress so it's kind of exciting to go through this speech process with them. A stranger sees he isn't talking and that's all they can see but they see how far he's come and they're all his cheerleaders :-)

Lately I've been reading Psalm 139. I can't get enough of it. King David is just reveling in the fact that God knows him and it really makes me think of Nathan. Verse 16 is especially precious to me: "...All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." It just reminds me that the Lord formed Nathan for a purpose. All of his speech issues and this cancer, it wasn't hidden from him. Verse 15 says: "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body."

Dear Lord,

Despite these circumstances I still have so much to be thankful for. I can't thank you enough for the people we've met. I'm so thankful for the people you brought into our lives. I thank you for our 'extended family' who spend so much time with Nathan and see so much in him. I thank you for carrying him this far. So far we've been getting good news about his treatments working and Lord I'm so very thankful for that. Thank you for this hospital being so close. Thank you that he spends a lot of time at home especially since we know families who spend a months at a time in the hospital.

Lord thank you for my family and friends who've rallied around us. Lord I thank you for the lessons learned, I hate we had to learn them this way and I secretly wonder if this is the only way in which we could've learned them.

Lord I pray that you continue to give us strength and wisdom and when I say 'us' I mean all of the parents going through sickness with their children. It's rough and strength is really needed. I'm so thankful I serve a God like you. I know you understand our suffering and I know you're near and that you know us so well. You know Nathan better than we do and I'm so thankful for that. When he's upset you understand his pain, when he's happy you share in his joy, when he has fear you calm him down. Lord thank you so much.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Good News

Dear Lord,

You never cease to amaze me!!! You told me not to worry, you said you'd take care of us. Lord thank you so very much, even though the big part of Nathan's tumor haven't shrunk, I came in and found out today a lot of the cells have died. Dear Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't thank you enough. It's big but a lot of it is dead, Father I just thank you.

I keep saying I don't know which direction this cancer is going to go but for right now it's dying. Lord thank you for hearing our prayers. Thank you so very much, words can't express what I'm feeling right now! I'm so thankful Lord. Thank you, Lord thank you so much.

We have a PET scan coming up in June that will show what percentage of the tumor is dead. Lord please continue to kill this tumor! Please Lord we want Nathan to be cancer free so badly. Please remove it and I pray that it, nor any other cancers return.

But oh Lord please let us learn and grow as a family as we continue to go through this valley.

Lord thank you so much for remembering my son, we don't deserve such good news anymore than anyone else, thank you for blessing him with such positive results. Lord please continue to blanket him with your comfort and protection.

And Lord please forgive me. I get disappointed so easily and I was highly disappointed when I found out the big part of his tumor was still there. Lord I need to quit worrying and step back and let you handle your business. You know what you're doing. You see the big picture. Help me not to panic at the least little thing.

Dear Lord thank you so very much.

In Jesus Name, that wonderful name.

Amen
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Another Week Starts

Dear Lord

Another week is starting Lord and I have no clue what it's going to bring, I just pray for your protection. Lord forgive me for not calling on you last week. For being anxious and doubting you. Forgive me for not wanting to talk to you. Forgive me for my horrible mood swings and for being impatient. Lord please put a hedge around my family, protect Sam Lord, protect him as he's getting in the car, protect him as he's driving to and from work and protect him while in the office, Lord help him to to have a safe day in the office and guard his heart. Give him peace as he's going through having to balance work, family and Nathan's illness. Continue to hold him up Father.

Lord I pray that you protect Nathan tomorrow, I pray for the medical team that will be working on him, I pray that they've all gotten the proper rest. I pray for the dose of medicine that will be given to put him to sleep, I pray that you wake him back up safely. I pray over this tumor Lord, please remove it and block it or anything of it's kind from ever coming back. I pray comfort for Nathan Lord, I know it's rough on him but Lord comfort him, hold his hand when I'm not there to do it Lord. I pray that you ease the physical pain that he's in. Lord he has nine more days of radiation left, get him through it please. I pray for safe travel to and from the hospital. Please Lord protect us from anything that will stop us from getting there on time. We get in the garage so early there's hardly anyone there, please get us in the building safely.

I pray over Peyton Lord. I pray that you protect her this week. Lord cover my parents house, protect it from anyone wanting to break in, protect it from fires, carbon dioxide, Lord cover her. I pray that you keep her at peace. Put a shield around my parents vehicle, watch over them as they go into stores and restuarants. Lord please allow her to come home safely on Thursday. I pray from her development. I pray that she continues to learn new words. Lord I love her personality so much.

Lord I also pray for strength. Lord allow me to stay focused. Lord remind me constantly of who you are. Hold my hand this week Lord. I pray for peace, I ask for wisdom and guidance. Please give me understanding when talking to Nathan's team of doctor's this week, I pray that you bring the right questions to mind.

Lord I thank you. I thank you so much for carrying us this far. Thank you so much for remaining constant, for loving us even though we don't deserve it. I thank you for keeping our family together even in the midst of a difficult time. I thank you again for our medical team that seems to grow every week. I thank you that we're here in Cleveland, so close to UH and the Cleveland Clinic. I thank you that so far Nathan is responding to treatment. Lord I thank you for our friends and family Lord, thank you for our support circle.

And Lord last of all I pray for Holly, Benjamin, Zach, and Austin. Just four families I met who are in the same boat dealing with childhood cancer. Lord my hearts go out to them. I know their hurt. I know how deep it goes. I know what they're feeling. Lord child hood cancer stinks, it really does. Lord put a hedge around these families. If you wanted to you could heal them all instantly Lord. Please father show up. I thank you that Benjamin and Zach are now cancer free. Lord please let it stay that way. Allow these children to grow old. I know you're here, I know you still hear us. Lord show up for us and families like us. You are Alpha and Omega, the great I AM. Lord hear us please and show up. Rescue all of our children from this horrible disease. Until then we will trust you. We will wait, we will serve you and we will trust you.

In Jesus Name
Amen

What are you doing

Seriously this last week has been very stressful so much going on and I've just been feeling very bogged down. I've kind of withdrawn, I'm not much for talking on the phone, don't really feel like smiling or laughing, haven't felt like praying either, just going through motions the last few days.

Nathan is really feeling the side effects from his radiation and his chemo didn't go so well last week, he literally started crying hysterically after he was admitted to the floor, he just wouldn't cooperate and didn't want to be there. Then he had to stay later at the hospital the next day because they wouldn't release him unless he ate or drank something. The weekend was full of crying from him and the stress just really got to me for some reason and I really needed to 'escape.' My husband was gracious enough to let me handle the shopping which gave me time to get out of the house and then he took both children to Warren to drop of Peyton at my parents which let me be in the house alone. Very thoughtful of him considering we're both going through this.

On Saturday Nathan was chasing Peyton and tripped and went head first into the wall hitting his forehead. Not only was it scary but we had to call the doctor to report it and check his platelets etc. A simple fall (although that one wasn't simple) can be a huge deal now. Thankfully he was ok but then we started noticing his cry was weak throughout the night and by Sunday evening he had no voice so we called the doctor and was told to bring him into the ER. They at first suspected it was laryngitis and since he didn't have a fever or show any signs of breathing problems he was able to go home. But you know how the ER goes - we were there until almost midnight, we didn't get him in bed until around 1 am and had to be back up at 6:45 am. I literally had to take him out of the house kicking and screaming, he was exhausted and still sick. And with a throat problem he can't be sedated because of the threat of asphyxia and since he can't be sedated he can't get radiation. So the Ear Nose Throat doctor had to look down his throat, by sticking a probe down his nose (yes that's as uncomfortable as it sounds). And Nathan wasn't happy about that. Come to find out his vocal cord is swollen which is causing the loss of his voice so he has to go to OR tomorrow so they can get a better look.

Since Nathan is immunocompromised I have to be extremely strict about who comes around and even taking him to the ER is a challenge because we have to find a hallway to walk in to keep him away from the crowd. When he went downstairs to see the ENT the receptionist was understanding and let us wait in an empty exam room. I have to be strict with parents who allow their children to approach him. I don't think I was a mean person before, but this situation has a brought a lot out of me.

I still have a certain amount of peace but I still feel a huge weight at times. I think that's why I avoid the phone so much and conversation at those times. I may not necessarily feel like talking, or have anything to say, I go through it at the hospital so much I just don't feel like discussing it at home and I just withdraw, give me time and I'll be back again but these withdrawals are needed for me at times.

On Friday though my Great Aunt Ann (my grandmothers baby sister) who lives in Alabama called and we played phone tag until Saturday night. She wanted to check and see how I was doing and she said to me, "many people can sympathize with you but honey I empathize." Aunt Ann lost her son Paul to cancer. I was really young at the time (maybe 12 or so) and I hadn't remembered that. As soon as she said those words she stopped me in my tracks and had my undivided attention. Everything she said to me had great meaning. She asked all of the right questions and she said to me, "If God puts it on you He'll give you the grace to bear it." I asked her how she coped when she was going through and she told me how hard it was and she'd lost a lot of weight but she said "Sweetie, joy will come, God has to put us through these kinds of things so we'll grow, but even the worst situations have an end to them and then joy will come." She couldn't see me crying and honestly I held it together pretty good but to hear her tell me that she know it's hard now but joy will come touched me and I know she told me from experience. Paul was in his forties when he died and she said her main concern was his salvation and he was saved and that brings her great peace.

Dear Lord,

Honestly I'm struggling to pray right now. For these last few days I've struggled day and night. I'm pretty angry and I don't know who to direct my anger at. I'm mad at the situation and I'm so mad I can't change it. I feel frustrated beyond belief. I see life continuing around me, people enjoying this new year and I hate it with a passion. 2010 will go down in history as being horrible to me. I don't feel like celebrating anything, I just want to move on and have Nathan's cancer be a distant memory. I can't continue to smile right now, I just don't feel like it and comfort isn't really coming this week. When will this end and how will it end? Not knowing that tends to bother me. I trust you Lord I really do but I'm still weary. The road continues to get bumpier and we're just hitting tons of bumps right now. And to be honest I still don't think it's fair that my three year old son has this. Lord we had so many plans for a wonderful year, Disney World in March, traveling this summer. Why in the world did you do this? I just don't understand. Why do you want us to have such horrible memories? Did we really have to go through this? Why? What is your purpose in this? Why does Nathan have to go through this and why put our entire family through something like this? I wish I could see what you see Father, I really do. Until then I'm going to try to hold on to You but I'll admit it's hard, times are rough and during these times it's just hard. I don't want to turn my back on you, even in these times I know you haven't lost control, I just really wish I could figure out what you're doing.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Poem

I just wanted to share this poem one of my husband's aunts sent it to us and it is beautiful. I'm not sure who wrote it.

I just got word that one of my aunts died suddenly today of cardiac arrest, please pray for her children and grandchildren.

In The Valley I Grow


Sometimes life seems hard to bear
Full of sorrow, trouble, and woe,
It's then I have to remember
..that it's in the valleys I grow.


If I always stayed on the mountain top
..and never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.


I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.


I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

One Day

One day I swear I'm going to return every one's calls. One of my BFF's told me to just write for now. I honestly wish I could talk and some days it's easier than others but it's hard. I think I put up a good front. Not all of it is a front though, there's definitely some strength there but at times I'm really weak. Last night I came across a picture of Nathan, we were at Preston's Hope a park here in Cleveland and in the picture Nathan is walking into a big house that's on the playground. I took the picture from behind and his little arms are open and he's in mid stride and there's this big opening and he's heading in and I don't know why but for some reason I had a vision of him walking into glory and of course the tears began to flow and now when I cry it's horrible. I cry like I never have before. I can feel it in my stomach it's so painful. I went in the bathroom so I wouldn't disturb Sam and I just cried myself sick literally. I feel as if this is a nightmare. And I've gotten so many kind words and acts of kindness thrown our way but it doesn't help. I know God can fix this. I know He can heal Nathan and I know he could do it right away. So why is He stalling? I don't know. I still trust Him. Honestly I have no where else to go but to Him and that's where I've been. Begging God to spare our child. I literally pleaded with Him not to take Nathan's life. Honestly a car accident would be better than this. I've watched Nathan suffer so much already. They have to put him to sleep everytime they do a lot of CT scans and MRI's because he's too young to understand not to move. Have you ever seen anyone put your child under? Every see your child go from screaming to crying to just floppy limp? Have you ever seen your kid have out of it calling for his Dad? Have you ever had to send your baby away over and over into the hands of strangers, knowing they're going to be probing him etc and you can't go in to protect them.

To do the CT Scan to measure for radiation they had to put Nathan asleep and bolt his head to the table...literally. They do it with a mesh facial mask that they wet in water and quickly put on your face to mold it to the shape of your face. They do this because when they get radiation, they absolutely cannot move so he'll be put under to get the radiation that will last everyday for 4 weeks starting feb. 15. We were in there when they put the first facial mask over his face and they closed his mouth and were molding the mask but he had been breathing out of his mouth instead of his nose so the Doctor in the room had to quickly have them unbolt the mask because his oxygen level went down. I was so thankful for that doctor. Have you ever had to give your child an injection? It hurts enough to watch the doctor do it but imagine giving a 3 year old a shot every single day.

Some people have suggested I talk to someone... well talk to who? Some specialist who've never experienced having a sick child? I don't think so. Maybe in the future I'll talk to someone but not now.

I want to scream over and over but I can't, it's not helping. My child has changed, he's sick and it's almost like he's sad. I just got off the phone with my husband who said that he's calling the doctor because he still feels like they're missing something. He said even if we have to bring him back today he wants him looked at. So I'm here getting our clothes ready. I hate life right now. I want to love it but I can't if our child isn't well.

I hate to sound like I'm contradicting my last post but get used to inconsistencies if you're reading this. Some days are OK and some are horrible.

Can I do This

I have a horrible migraine. I want to sleep and at the same time I don't want to. I'm just wondering if I can do this. I know there's no choice but Lord can I do this????

Chemo is tomorrow and Nathan is starting to act better. But Lord next week is his hospital stay when he'll be knocked back down again.

I just found a survivor story online. I contacted the mother who left a number for me to call her. Her daughter's situation was similar to Nathan's. But Lord as I read her journey online, the ups and downs, I just don't know if I can do this.

Lord I need strength so badly, not sure if I can do this. It's still the beginning, but Father I don't want to go through this.

What if Nathan gets a fever? What about the side effects from radiation? What about the sores in his mouth from Chemo? Lord the nausea? I just can't do this.

Lord how will I know what is causing him pain? His vocabulary is so limited, how will I know?

Lord give me the confidence of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo when they entered the furnace. Grant me just 1% of Solomon's wisdom. Give me the same heart as Hannah help me to entrust my only son into your care.

Lord you love Nathan. You made him and you know him. Give him peace. I'm not sure how much his young mind can understand right now. Heal his little body. I know we have to go through but Father please go easy on him. Calm him Lord. Hold him in your arms.

Lord is there anyway I can take his place? Can I please take his place, my life for his, my body for his?

Spare my child Lord. I know I don't deserve to have this answered any more than the next person. But I'm going to be asking it for awhile. Please spare him, let him grow up, get married and grow old serving you.

I know you'll get us through this no matter what. Lord you talk about peace that passes all understanding, Daniel had it in the lion's den, Paul wrote about being content. It exists, I know it does, Lord I need that, not just for me but for Sam and Nathan also.

Lastly Lord I thank you. I thank you for blessing me with my children. I thank you for a wonderful child like Nathan. Lord strange enough I thank you for trusting me with such a huge responsibility, especially since I don't trust myself. I thank you for a Godly, strong husband like Sam and a bright beautiful innocent daughter like Peyton. I thank you that Peyton is to young to understand this. I thank you for friends and family who have surrounded us. I just thank you for hearing my prayers. I thank you for everyone taking time to pray for us. There's so many people out there praying similar prayers I just thank you for the opportunity to present mine.

Lord help me to do this. To be strong for Nathan, it's such a long road I don't want to crash and burn now. Lord just please help me do this. In Jesus name Amen

Miracles

I was reading the Bible today and for some reason a passage stuck out to me:

46Once more he visited Cana in Galilee where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. 47When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death. 48"Unless, you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe.". 49The royal official said "Sir, come down before my child dies. ". 50Jesus replied, "you may go. Your son will live." The man took Jesus at his word and departed. 51 While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. 52When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, "the fever left him yesterday at the seventh hour." 53Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus said to him "your son will live." So he and all his household believed. John 4:46-53

Now the verse that most stuck out to me today was 48. To dig a little deeper I went to my MacArther Bible Commentary for an explanation, here's how he explains it:

48 Unless you people see signs and wonders. The "you" is plural. Jesus addresses these words to the Galileans as a whole and not just to the nobleman. The response of the Galileans was fundamentally flawed because it disregarded the person of Christ and centered in the need for a constant display of miraculous signs. Such an attitude represents the deepest state of unbelief.

Now let's look at another story:

5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, " my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering." 7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him." 8The Centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the king will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 13 then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.". And his servant was healed at that very hour. Matthew 8:5-13

The thing that really just grabbed me was in John the man didn't believe until the miraculous sign was done. Do we realize who our God is?? Do we really? (I'm including myself in this 'we'). Do you have any idea the amount of people God has healed from cancer???This is huge to us, but to God it's nothing. He told Lazarus to come forth, goodness He raised himself from the dead even. We don't need to question God's ability. I just like to read the Gospels sometimes just to remind myself of who I serve.

I've always loved Matthew 6, now it's taking on a new meaning. The Lord covers so much in that chapter but I especially like starting at verse 25 where the Lord tell us not to worry. And He didn't make it optional which always struck me as odd. How can we not worry???? But in verse 33 He gives us our answer, He said to seek Him first. Instead of pondering or worrying we're supposed to spend time we'd waste on that seeking Him.

And you know what, so far I've found it helpful. I thought before if I ever was in a situation like this I'd go crazy. I truly thought an issue like this would do that. Sam and I were just talking yesterday about this and believe it or not the conversation was around "how are we still standing?"

For those of you who are truly praying for my family please continue. I was talking to my friend yesterday and she asked if I had peace because that's what she's been praying for, that the Lord will give me peace. At first I'm thinking , I still don't have peace but then it hit me after we got off, I actually did sleep sound the last three nights, there's been a TON of laughter this week even through two hospital visits and truthfully I don't dwell on this situation, I do think about it of course but Sam and I are moving forward...yes I'm starting to feel better. So those of you praying, it's getting heard, please don't get disappointed if God doesn't answer our prayers the way we may want.

I'm loving our Savior right now, this situation stinks but He's teaching Sam and me so much. We thought we already knew but there's so much we just didn't know that we're learning through this. I'm reading back through Matthew and John I'm looking at not only how God healed but the way people approached him. We often quote how God healed the blind man but what did he say to him in the process. What did Jesus say to the man lowered in on the mat? How did he address Mary and Martha when he arrived at Lazarus's tomb? And too don't you know God could've stopped the beheading of John the Baptist??

We're talking about God who created the heavens and the earth just by speaking. The same God who rebuked the winds and the waves.

I truthfully just started this ride I have no clue how hard the journey is going to get and honestly I'm not going to spend too much time thinking that far ahead anymore. But I'm comforted knowing who's in control of this situation and that He's not only going on this ride with us but commanding the ship.
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